Whiter than Rice

Top 10 Red Sox Moments of 2007

2007-10-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

They will be rated by
1) significance - X Ortiz Clutch Hits out of 10
2) Awesomeness - X Papelbon Fistpumps out of 10

(All Images are stolen from BDD or Google)

10. 6 Run 9th inning Walkoff Victory vs. Baltimore Orioles

The essence of this moment: everything that is shitty about the universe coming together to create something awesome.
1) The Baltimore Orioles Bullpen
2) A Julio Lugo Useless Groundball to First base
3) Kevin Millar’s 1B defense

Imagine if Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini got together and decided to start a charity for cancer kids. That’s what this moment was like.

Significance: 5 Clutch Hits out of 10. Awesomeness: 5 Fistpumps out of 10

9. The first game where Eric Hinske did not suck

Hits 2 run dinger, then makes awesome catch

Significance: 5.5/10 Awesomeness: 5/10

8. That second game where Eric Hinske did not suck
9/15/2007 – Beckett outduels Wang for a 10-1 Victory at Fenway.

Eric Hinske destroys Posada at the plate.
Yes, the best thing Eric Hinske did all season consisted of him getting thrown out at home.

Significance: 6/10 Awesomeness: 6.5/10

7. Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back

The pitcher victimized: ChXXX WrXXXX. It was unfortunate it wasn’t TyXXX ClXXXXXX, that guy owes me money.

Significance: 5.5/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

6. Okajima’s First Save on St. Patrick’s day

Comes Back from 6-2 deficit, start of season long abuse of Okajima’s Arm. Also starts season long sexual fantasies about Okajima’s wife.

Significance: 6/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

5. With one swing of the bat, JD Drew vanquishes a season full of suck.

Did I mention his son is less retarded than Posada’s son?

Significance: 8/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

4. MANNY-BOMB

That is a very bad man.

Significance: 7/10 Awesomeness: 9/10

3. TACOBY BELLSBURY

With stolen base, Tacoby brings free tacos for America, spreads democracy and freedom to Middle East and defeats the terrorists. Also, that run didn’t score, which pretty much sums up the offense for the year.

Significance: 6.5/10 Awesomeness: 10/10

2. LAPTOP THIEF THROWS NO-HITTER

It should only count for half a no-hitter because it was against the Orioles, but I don’t really give a shit. I didn’t really see much of the game either, because the changeup was so good it made me blind.

Significance: 8/10 Awesomeness: 9/10

1. Lester 1, Cancer 0

Significance: 10/10 Awesomeness: 10/10

Note: To Javier Lopez and Eric Gagne: we may forgive, but we never forget.

Theo Epstein Needs to Get Some ATTITUDE and Learn from the WWE

2007-09-17T22:38:00.001-07:00

Hey, I'd never ever want Vince McMahon running the Sox, because we'd end up with stupid plotlines like Larry Lucchino faking his own death by blowing up his limo, or allowing things like Jonathan Papelbon taking a dump in Hazel Mae's gym bag, but they call the WWE "Sports Entertainment" for a reason. Because it's damn entertaining.

ideas/Changes:

1) Vince McMahon would never take this sub .400 SLG bullshit from JD Drew. Vince McMahon would walk down to the dressing room and inject JD himself.

2) The whole NESN team fired and replaced with the WWE team. Lillian Garcia is about 20 times hotter than Tina Cervasio, so there's no reason that shouldn't happen. Orsillo is a rambling fool, and JR has a Texas Accent, so Jim Ross wins by default. Jerry the King Lawler I think molested a 15 year old once, so sorry, Remdawg is gone.

Can you imagine the goodness:

"BY GAWD!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! HE JUST SINGLED THROUGH BRIMSTONE AND HELLFIRE TO GIVE THE RED SOX THE LEAD!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!! HE DESTROYED THAT BALL UP THE MIDDLE AS IF GOD HIMSELF CAME DOWN AND SMITED THE TESTICLES OF LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!"

3) Apparently tonight on Raw, Randy Orton fought JOHN CENA'S DAD (you're reading that correctly) with John Cena handcuffed to the ring. And Orton RKO'ed his dad. Maybe Theo can get a roid-raged Giambi to fight Mike Timlin in a cage.The age difference is probably similar and it would be awesome to watch.

4) Francona would be fired.

Gimmicks/Plotlines:

1) Kevin Youkilis as the Kosher Killer. Gabe Kapler would be his sidekick friend.

2) Dustin Pedroia as the Godfather. He needs to come out to every AB with like 5 Hoes. All of them should be taller than he is, and the Fenway speakers should play 80's porno music.

After the games, he'd visit the NESN news booth and slap Hazel Mae in the ass and ask her to perform sexual favours on air. She'd agree and enjoy it. I know I would.

3) Julio Lugo as the Mexican Dream. Of course, when the dream is shattered, he drinks a bottle of tequila and puts his wife through a table.

4) Jacoby vs. Joba: Loser Goes Back to the Reservation Match. There's some tribal feud over sacred burial grounds, and Kyle Lohse is the special guest referee. But they end up finding out Kyle Lohse was the guy who betrayed their tribes to the White Man by polluting their ancestral lands for a 30 mil 4 yer a contract with the Atlanta Braves, so they tag-team together and beat up Kyle Lohse with whiskey bottles and smallpox syringes.

Seriously, the top 3 causes of the Native American Man's Fall: 1) Whiskey 2) Smallpox 3) Kyle Lohse. That man alone basically set his entire people back 10 years.

5) Jonathan Papelbon as Kane. He should burn off his eyebrows, and instead of entering to "Wild Thing", he should enter to the Kane theme song, Fenway should go dark, and there should be fire everywhere.

6) Giambi and Sheffield while on roid rage with Hideki Matsui's help kidnap Okajima and Matsuzaka's wives, threaten to turn them into Japanese Porn Stars and put them through tables. But they tag team with Mike Lowell to rescue them.

7) Manny and Tavarez as a pirate tag-team.

8) Ortiz should drive a limo and run over Clemens and say he "did it for Manny". I don't really care what he did it for, somebody should be running over Clemens anyway.

9) Eric Gagne turns heel, chairshots Papelbon, rips off his Red Sox jersey, reveals a Baltimore Orioles jersey, and joins Eric Bedard and Justin Morneau as the Canadian Legion of Doom.

10) The 0-VORP Squad: Dougie, Hinske, Cora, and Snyder. Singles are for pussies.

11) There Should be a Rival Faction called the "Radical Leftists" consisting of Johan Santana, Scott Kazmir, CC Sabathia, Mark Buerhle, Andy Pettite, Eric Bedard, Chad Gaudin, and Ted Lilly. They dominate the Sox all the time, but then Mike Myers would turn face and come to the Red Sox rescue.

There should also be a sideplot with Javier Lopez wanting to join the leftists and getting rejected because he stinks. The Leftists also try to recruit Okajima, but he turns them down because he cannot betray his reverse platoon splits.

12) The Main Event Venue: Evolution with Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett, and Clay Buccholz.

Clay's finishing move would be smashing a laptop over somebody's head and his catchphrase would be "I STOLE IT FROM POSADA'S SON!!!!"

Note: Yes, we're all burning in hell when we die, receiving crippler-crossfaces for eternity.

Supposed to link this

2007-09-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.im.tv/vlog/personal/1459536/2447590

Hey, if a pretty girl says it's good, then it must be awesome.

紅襪FAQ - 版上用語, 棒球用語，版史

2007-05-20T20:43:00.001-07:00

XXX sucks
當你覺得某球員打的很爛的時候，就可以罵一句XXX sucks. 這是一個紅襪球迷最基本需要的用詞.

XXX球員的歷年成績? XXX比賽發生什麼事情? XXX跟XXX的對戰成績?
Baseball-reference.com Retrosheet.org ESPN.com 有split.
不要在問了. 都不行試看看Wikipedia. (還會有版上人才出一篇"有用紅襪網站"

DFA –
DFA的意思是”designated for assignment”. 如果一位資深球員打的太爛球隊不要了，球隊除了release以外也可以把他DFA. DFA就是下放小聯盟… 然後15天內如果有別的球隊想要撿他的話可以直接撿起來. 15天內沒人要球員可以選擇下放小聯盟，或者要球球隊放他走人.

Replacement Level – 字面上是 “路上找一個來都打的比較好” 其實Replacement level是有一個定義的，好像是League Average的幾個deviation以外… 不重要. 有個數據是VORP, or value over replacement level, 是用”runs”來做單位，而且只評估攻擊數據. 0分的球員是剛剛好replacement level, 就是隨便AAA叫一上來都一樣. 分數是負的表示你已經below replacement level. 這時候你就可以罵一句XXX sucks, he is below replacement level.

Mendoza Line
Mario Mendoza是一位守備很好但是打擊不太行的游擊手. Mendoza line代表是打擊率2成: 大部分聽到是會提的是 “Mendoza line保衛戰”
Addendum: Hancock line
Josh Hancock是一位最近車禍過世的紅雀投手，待過紅襪.. 他車禍的時候血液濃度是.157. 這就變成國外鄉民所定義的 “Hancock line”. 用法可以自己發揮

紅襪球隊又什麼天敵?
能把球放靠近好球帶的任何左撇子. 等級不分，從Johan Santana到Scott Kazmir都怕. 最怕的是Ted Lilly. Chacin也變成紅襪天敵.

紅襪球員會得癌症?
是的，但是紅襪球員得癌症都不會死. 因為有隔壁版的沒誠意祝福，他們化學治療會變的特別有效. (Mike Lowell是testicular cancer的survivor, Jon Lester是lymphoma)

為什麼紅襪球迷在紐約很危險?
因為你當時在辦事的大樓會莫名其妙有洋機投手開飛機撞

我在Star movie台看過紅襪的電影是不是? 男女主角是誰啊?
那部電影叫做Fever Pitch. Farrelly Brothers拍的 (他們比較有名的電影是There’s Something about Mary). 女主角是Drew Barrymore. 可以用字面上的 “replacement level”來形容. 男主角是Jimmy Fallon, 他原本是SNL的演員. 他是個偽裝的紅襪迷，因為他其實是個洋機迷. 他在SNL的時候常常台詞搞錯然後會莫名其妙笑起來把整個skit 搞爛，然後他拍的片都是爛片.

常看到”I’m XXXXX, Bitch!”? 是怎樣啊?
最原本的用法是 “I’m Rick James, bitch!”, 是黑人搞笑大師Dave Chapelle模仿Rick James (磕很多藥的黑人歌手)用的經點台詞. 2005年春訓的時候, Julian Tavarez扁了當時在魔鬼魚的Joey Gathright一拳, 然後tavarez.ytmnd.com 就出了一句台詞:

I’M JULIAN TAVAREZ, BITCH!

自從以後，只要紅襪球員當天有好的表現，偶爾會版名改成 “I’m XXXXX, BITCH, 來表揚當天的表現.

怎麼常常提到蛇?
Snakes on a Plane, 或者中文翻譯 “飛機上有蛇”, 是2006年暑假黑人動作片明星Samuel L Jackson的電影. 劇情是Samuel Jackson是一位FBI的探員，要護送一位證人從夏威夷到LA. 但是壞人(韓國幫派，請不要懷疑) 在這台飛機上放了300之毒蛇, 希望把飛機上的人全部殺死，然後飛機墜落.

在棒球版的用法是, 哪裡有蛇，就是哪裡是球隊的爛攤子或弱點. 當球迷忍受不住的時候，他就會喊一句電影台詞:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT, WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES, ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!

為什麼DOUGIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT? 他不是不常出場嗎?
如果他天天出場的話他的成績會是375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S.
為什麼呢? 一壘安打是給娘砲打的!!!

為什麼我們要喊口號? 而且常是塔瓦雷資美聯賽洋獎, 還要推齊?

喊口號這個東西是台灣綜藝節目 “全民大悶鍋”所來的，在裡面有個單元是對岸某兩岸關係政府部門的記者會裡，最後張民清部長都會要求所有的記者喊口號.

我們紅襪版的口號常常是塔瓦雷資美聯賽洋獎!, 因為大寶雖然是第五先發，常常遇到對方的賽洋獎投手(Santana, Halladay, etc.). 但是最近紅襪這些比賽反而不會輸得很慘，所以為了鼓舞版上的士氣，就決定大家喊口號，為我們的大寶加油.

我怎麼記得以前版主不是這些人?
自從2004年來，紅襪總共有7個版主. 幹，陳水扁八年來都沒換那麼多行政部長. 這件事只能肯定PTT鄉民的能力，他們幹掉版主比立法院幹調內閣的能力還要高.

我在別的版上看到過什麼10大洋機紅襪PTT衝突記錄? 那是發生什麼事情?
不要理他，那是一個自以為中立時間太多的人才寫的垃圾文. 我也時間很多，但是我不會自以為中立誤導別人.

為什麼PTT上有那麼多球員上來波文章?
跟上一題答案有點像: PTT上很多時間太多的人才.

紅襪版FAQ - 靠紅襪吃飯的人

2007-05-20T09:54:00.000-07:00

1. 誰是CHB?
CHB是Curly Haired Boyfriend 的簡寫，他是指Boston體育記者Dan Shaungnessy. CHB這個代號是前紅襪外野手Carl Everett (對他不需要知道太多… he’s a crazy person 就夠了) 取的. Dan Shaunessy 寫了一本書: The Curse of the Bambino. 他一定要提魔咒這件事. 差點因為2004年World Series沒工作，因為這個他編出來的魔咒被迫了，但是他實在是很厲害，可以繼續留下來寫他的垃圾文，而且還很多人看.

2. 誰是Peter Gammons?
Peter Gammons是ESPN的記者. 他主要的工作是報球員轉會的rumour (在ptt上會用 “乳摸” 這兩個字). 幾乎他報的都不會成…但是有成的他幾乎都有報到. 運動家GM Billy Beane很信. 前一段時間中風. 他去年進了名人堂.

3. 誰是Robothal?
Robothal是Fox Sports的 Ken Rosenthal, 他也是報乳摸類新聞的記者. 他幾乎是個機器人, 天天都有新聞張. The hardest working man in sports journalism.

4. 誰是Joe Morgan?
Joe Morgan是 ESPN Baseball tonight的colour man, 是名人堂的二壘手. 他愛smallball 跟 run manufacturing, 還有他認為Moneyball是Billy Beane寫的.

5. 誰是Tim McCarver?
Tim McCarver是Fox的Colourman, 以前是大聯盟捕手. 有一次在電視上給Jeter口交

6. 為什麼大家那麼怕Scott Boras?
Scott Boras是一位大聯盟球員經紀人. 他功力最強是在選秀跟自由球員市場上，能幫忙球員拿到最大的簽約金跟合約. 我們跟他常打交道松版，隊長，都是他的客戶. 基本上你不給他想要的條件，他就會搞你屁眼. 但是他的條件通常都跟搞屁眼沒兩樣，所以跟他打交道最好的方法就是乖乖的把褲子脫掉往前彎撿肥皂, 這樣大家都省時間跟精力.

7. 台灣有個記者很愛寫紅襪的新聞是不是?
沒錯! 他叫許昭彥. 他是聯合的記者. UDN.com上有他的文章. 可以去參考一下. 如果看完你對他的文章有強烈的認同的話，恭喜: 你可以往你最近的窗戶跳出去.

8. NESN 是什麼小? 為什麼有時候紅襪比賽莫名其妙兩個主撥會笑個不停?

NESN是New England Sports Network, 是專門報New England球隊的有線電視台. 最注重的球隊除了紅襪以外有Boston Bruins, Boston Celtics, New England Patriots, 還有附近大學的體育活動.

紅襪的主撥是Don Orsillo, Colourman 是Jerry Remy. Jerry Remy是紅襪以前的二壘手，生涯有7支全壘打. 他會在撥球賽的時候推銷你去買他代言或他自己公司的產品. 最常提到的就是他的熱狗店.

Tina Cervasio是在NESN球場內訪問球員的記者. 他是個正妹

Pre-game show是Hazel Mae負責. 有人覺得他很正，他以前在加拿大的Sportsnet報早上的體育新聞跟藍鳥的特別節目. 基本上我覺得他的聲音很討厭.

大家有空可以去google一下: Martine Gaillard, Jody Vance, Jennifer Hedger, 跟 Erin Andrews. 前面三位是加拿大的體育記者，Erin Andrews是ESPN的. 四個都很正.

紅襪版FAQ - 老朋友篇

2007-05-20T09:51:00.000-07:00

1. 為什麼全聯盟沒人喜歡Shea Hillenbrand?
因為他是一個自以為是個明星球員但是完全沒有價值的廢物. 他在紅襪的時候上了收音機罵了theo Epstein “faggot”. 他從紅襪到響尾蛇，藍鳥，巨人，現在在天使. 每一站大家都賭爛，因為他實在是太機掰了.

2. 誰是關鍵時刻投的最差的投手?
韓國同胞金炳賢. (請參考2001年WS, 2003年ALDS, 2006年WBC等)
(2003年他沒來我們倒是進不了Playoffs. 還有他最後給Fenway的球迷中指看… 然後就走了)

3. 版上有個DLowe大? 他好像是個球員是不是?
DLowe是Derek Lowe, 紅襪的投手. 他本來是水手的prospect, 跟隊長同時交換來的. 他是個sinkerballer, 本來在牛棚，後來轉先發.
2004年被打爆，大家都很幹，但是最後在季後賽作了英雄，三場淘汰賽都是他拿勝投. 那年結束後去了LA Dodgers. 還有他把他老婆丟了去搞個體育記者.

4. Dave Roberts? 我有去查他的成績, 只有待一下下而已，為什麼大家常常提到他?
http://bostondirtdogs.boston.com/DR_10.17_WS_bgsg.jpg

5. Mueller? Miller? Millar?
Bill Mueller是紅襪2003-2005的三壘手, 2003AL 年打擊王, 2004年季後賽把上一題那分打回來.

Wade Miller在2005年只投了91局, 本來是太空人的promising RHP, 後來就爛了

Kevin Millar: 上一題的那一分是他保送上壘的. 基本上他不會跑不會接不會丟. 在一壘是對別的內野手的累贅, 在外野基本上是個錯誤示範教科書. 他倒是很有power… warning track power. 還有他自以為他是一個cowboy. 常常叫隊友要”cowboy up.” 其實他只會cowbay.

6. 常常聽人說紅襪很會廢物利用, 為什麼?
因為Kevin Millar是個廢物，然後我們用了很久.

7. 紅襪有叛徒跟內奸?
紅襪這幾年的第一叛徒是Johnny Damon. 在2002年以自由球員的身份加入紅襪. 2004年因為他留了長頭髮跟鬍子打下了優異成績, 尤其是在ALCS Game 7幹了一砲滿灌，當時當場變成全國性的pop culture icon. 當年10月份上了Saturday Night Live. (例子: Veronica在戲裡是Damon的球迷，然後House MD裡的Cameron希望Damon給他個foot massage). 他還寫了一本書叫做”Idiot”.

2004年球季結束時他取了第二妻Michelle Damon. 他是一位亞裔女性，有段時間在NESN有自己的節目. 他胸部很大，不知道是真的還假的.

2005年球季結束以後Damon合約到期，因為紅襪高層怕一位中外野手的decline phase 很恐怖，不敢給太久或太大的合約，所以給了一個40/4的合約 (跟Varitek的一樣). Damon結果跑到隔壁洋機，收了一份52/4 的合約. 大家賭爛的原因是因為他講過一句話:

“I could never play for the Yankees”… 反正就是差不多那類型的豪小.

紅襪在洋機這幾年很多內奸: 這些球員都是在紅襪貢獻很多，然後爛了，不要了，被洋機撿走，然後擺爛. 這些球員包括:
2B Mark Bellhorn: (2004年季後賽幹了一堆關鍵砲… 是一個Three True Outcomes類型的球員. 他臉上留了一個goatee. 2005年被紅襪DFA後去洋機… 打的很爛)
RP Mike Myers: 左投下勾. 其實平常投的不錯，但是他都被派上來投老爹… 效果不是很好
RP Tom Gordon: 以前紅襪重用的投手，2004年到了洋機. Playoffs被紅襪打爛
1B Doug Mientkiewicz: 除了金手套防守跟不還球的故事以外，在紅襪沒有待很久. 現在在洋機是個扮演後半段棒次出局數的角色.

8. 以前是不是有個游擊很強? Nomar是不是? 跑到哪裡去了?
Nomar Garciaparra是90年代後跟2000年代最紅的紅襪野手. 他是個all-star SS, 常常跟A-Rod跟Jeter比. 在2004年因為受傷，合約，跟守備範圍減少等等因素被交易掉，換了Orlando Cabrera跟Doug Mientkiewicz來. 當初換的時候大家都罵的很慘，贏了World Series以後又說換的好.

Note: Jeter/A-Rod/Garciaparra 現在只剩Jeter守游擊.

他的老婆是美國女子足球隊國腳Mia Hamm. 是個正妹

9. 紅襪以前有個投手有個band是不是?
Bronson Arroyo現在是紅人的先發，投的成績不錯. 他的投球成績比他的音樂好

10. Mark Loretta跟老爹的打球風格差別最多在哪裡?

老爹跑得比較快

11. Pedro Martinez很有名是不是?
他在紅襪的時候是上帝的右手，然後很喜歡用那個右手往他不爽的人拿球丟. 他的右手還把一個80幾歲的老頭摔到地上過. 現在在大都會.

12. Who is Karim Garcia?
I don’t know who he is.

Save a Horse, Ride a Taiwanese?

2007-04-11T08:12:00.000-07:00

Another one goes under the "What the Fuck" category.

Seriously, Taiwanese People don't eat horses, we don't even HAVE fucking horses.

Blame THESE people instead:

Ow ow back ow

2007-03-05T04:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah

Psycho Bitches That Go Into YOUR Work

2007-01-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you here work/have worked in retail. I have read many of your stories. This will probably rank among up there.

This morning, this 25 year old Asian chick walks in. She is TINY. I look at her arms. I swear to god this bitch is anorexic.

Anyways, I drag her to an exam room, and I ask her why she has visited our out-patient department today.

The next three minutes of my life I may never get back, but I will also never forget.

"I want to know what the hell went wrong with my laser procedure for my skin... The other Doctor from the place I got the laser thing from that did it was like 'oh, there will be no redness after the laser takes away all my spots from my cheeks, but it's been a month, and it's still red! He gave me this cream for it, I used it for 3 days, but it didn't go away, so I went to see this other Doctor, and he gave this other this other cream, I've been using it ever since, and it still doesn't work. I want to know what the hell went wrong with my laser procedure!"

(Don't worry if you didn't understand that last paragraph, I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about either)

*All this while, I'm staring at her face, and I couldn't figure out WHAT THE FUCK she was talking about. The only thing wrong I could figure out was that she was ugly*

Me: "Um... so what area of the face was the procedure done?"

UPB (For Ugly Psycho Bitch): "I got the dye laser over the left cheek. They didn't do it my right cheek. See the spots on my right cheek? They used the laser to get rid of them on the left. And now my left is all red!"

*Knowing this is not going to turn out good, I'm FURIOUSLY comparing the left and right. They both look the same to me. Quite frankly, this nutjob has better skin than I do*

While I'm struggling for words, this is the kicker quote of the day:

UPB: "CAN YOU SEE [the changes] OR NOT?"

In a very un-me fashion, I replied with the following:
"Miss (can't remember what the woman's last name was), I'm sorry, I really can't tell the difference, I'm a student, I just got here, and my knowledge of cosmetic dermatology procedures is not very extensive. If you please wait outside for a moment, I will organize your history and physical findings, and then my supervising Doctor will see you."

And then I did my paperwork thing, all the while rolling my eyes.

When my supervisor finally saw her:
Supervisor: "Your face looks fine."
UPB: "Can I laser it again to fix the redness?"
Supervisor: "Sometimes cosmetic medicine can only do so much. ONce you hit a certain point, the positive effects are no longer visible, only side effects become visible."

Translation: You're too ugly to fix, and I'm too lazy to get you a psych referral.

I take solace in the fact that some other less-ethical Doctor will lie to her and get her to hand a shitload of money to get some other invisible laser surgery.

Did I mention she was unemployed?

Meh.

There was a bit of fun today though:

18 year old comes in with HAIR-LOSS:

Me: Any family history of hair loss or skin diseases?
The kid's dad: *points at own head*
*I nod in silence*

I May Hate Children, But Sometimes It's Really Not Their Fault

2007-01-23T07:48:00.000-08:00

On Friday Morning, I had the wonderful experience of seeing Audrey, a two year-old-girl with intermittent left eye deviation to the temporal side. There were a bunch of patients we could choose from, but I got her because everybody went "Hey Tony, the name on the patient chart is English instead of Chinese, she must be Foreign, you take this one!"

Anyhoo, the kid wasn't actually White, but was American. Dad was Taiwanese, Mom was a Honger. So I spoke Mandarin to the dad while I spoke English to the mom.

I won't bore you with medical details, because they were really really boring. Opthalmology just generally blows.

Our department head's instructions that morning were to "take a detailed history, leave the physical and local findings to me". So I did that.

Of course, when the Department Head (he's this old balding fat guy) tried to examine the eye, the little girl started crying like there was no tomorrow. He tried to sweet-talk the little girl, tried to have her grab the examination scope to prove it's harmlessness, nothing. Then they tried getting her to take pupil-dilation drops for a fundus examination, she started crying even louder.

The problem in the end wasn't that serious, our department head told them to come back for a follow up session. (they SAY they're coming back next year when they come back to Taiwan from the USA, but everybody lies.)

Maybe I should have said something... but seeing how I'm in Asia, it was a good idea that I didn't. It's HIS fault that he couldn't figure out that the kid DOESN'T SPEAK MANDARIN. The kid's parents speak English to her, while the grandmother (mom's side) speak Cantonese to her.

If I were a 2 year-old-girl with some fat old strange Asian guy speaking some weird gibberish at me while flashing a bright light in my eye, I'd fucking cry too.

I did say something to the mom as they left:
"Don't blame Audrey, I have the same reaction whenever I see our department head too."

Merry Christmas - You've Got Cancer, Bitch!

2006-12-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

Havne't blogged much because I wrote it in Facebook

I don't know what you folks are doing for Christmas day, but my plans for tomorrow:

1. Arrive to work at 8 am so our chief resident can make fun of us for an hour.

2. Follow my attending around like a lemming for an hour.

3. Arrange a bone scan.

4. Call and whine for pathology results. (Although the pathology prof our attending designated is actually really really nice)

5. And if all goes as expected, I have to tell some old dude he's got lung cancer. That's metastatized to his skull.

Here's how this conversation should go:

Tony: "Good afternoon, Mr. [insert blank for patient confidentiality]. Merry Christmas! Good news, despite our pathology department's continued dedication to bureaucratic inefficiency, they managed to have your pathology results ready in two business days!"

Old guy: "That's good... right?"

Tony: "Well, good for me, because I can kick you outta and hand your old ass to oncology, because you have inoperable metastatized lung cancer! And you don't even smoke! I guess Jesus hates you, bitch!"

*note* The above conversation is a fictional dramatization of what will likely happen tomorrow. Solemn and respectful conversations make for bad blog posts.

Racist Toothpaste

2006-11-13T08:19:00.000-08:00

For those of you that don't read Chink...

The name of this toothpaste is called, and I shit you not...

BLACK MAN TOOTHPASTE.

And look at the guy on the box! What is he supposed to be, a pimp? "My teeth are so bright, my hoes think it's bling!"

Edit: According to my very enlightened roomate... the "Darlie" was originally a "Darkie"

And now in contrast, my weapon of choice for dental hygiene:

WHITE MAN TOOTHPASTE.

I shit you not.

Man Asian people are racist.

What I've Been Saying All These Years is Now Finally Law

2006-10-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

Scottish Judge Rules Chinese People ALL LOOK SAME!!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20061023/od_afp/britainscotlandchina_061023160022

LONDON (AFP) - A Scottish judge cleared a student from China of a motoring offence after claiming that "all Chinese people can look the same", a newspaper has reported.

Sheriff Margaret Gimblett dismissed the evidence of two police officers who had identified Hui Yu, 23, who had been charged with driving without insurance.

She was quoted by The Times Monday as telling Greenock Sheriff Court, near Glasgow: "Without wanting to be derogatory in any way, sometimes it is said that all black people look the same at first glance and the same can be said that all Chinese people can look the same to a native Scot.

"It's only when you have time to look that you begin to see the differences."

"It is the same for Chinese people -- we find it quite hard at first to tell the difference between groups of Scots," the Times quoted him as saying.

Corpsed Pulled out of Lake at NTU

2006-10-13T02:31:00.000-07:00

Yup. Picture courtesy of the Apple Daily

Wasn't a student, some 40 year old woman's corpse. Andin case you're wondering, wasn't Cory Lidle

This is the lake pre-corpse jumping/dumping.

See the booth in the middle? Yeah, people used to be able to walk to it and chill, but then they TORE DOWN THE BRIDGE that leads to the booth, and then they fenced off the lake with bamboo fence, because they didn't want people jumping.

And rumours have it that the chem labs dump all their waste in there.

Stupid Dead Kid, Part II

2006-10-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

Anyways, I took the train back from from Taichung to Taipei... a few notes

1) My train stopped at the station the kid died at. There was a metal pole every FIVE FRAKKING METERS.

2) By my calculation, it took 12 FRAKKING MINUTES to get to Taichung to Fengyuan. 12 FRAKKING MINUTES. So had the kid not jumped and took another train back, the trip back would have been 12 FRAKKING MINUTES. Maybe a little longer, 25 AT THE MOST

3) I don't even know how to get the frakking door open when the train is moving. The electronic override is locked, and you can't pry the door open with your own hands.

Seriously, Charles Darwin called, and the kid picked up.

Must Have Been Snakes On a Train

2006-09-21T02:13:00.000-07:00

Kid Dies In Our Department after JUMPING OFF A MOVING TRAIN

So he gets on this train, realizes that this train wasn't stopping at the station he wanted, so when the train is speeding at 100 km/hr by his desired station, he prys the doors open, leaves the train, and hits a support beam in the head. Killed instantly.

Either he was pushed out or it was suicide, because NOBODY is this stupid. I mean, that kid is in my department, and in high school he won AWARDS IN PHYSICS, he MUST have been at least somewhat good at high school physics to know that this is stupid.

Supposedly "he wanted to see his gf" or some bullshit like that. The reason the train didn't stop at his stop was because he got on a train that was half an hour early. Man, that girl must have been a giant bitch or somethin'.

My friend went and checked the schedule. Had he just gotten off the next stop and took a train back, it would have been 5 minutes faster then his ORIGINAL TRAIN.

Our department head (who's a total douche) commented:

Isn't it common sense not to jump off trains?

Sliteye Vindicated

2006-08-21T14:48:00.000-07:00

Here is what I wrote about Battlestar Galactica:

5) They had this loser Asian character pilot that they killed in like 3 episode in season I. I really don't have a problem with the concept of "Expendable loser Asian male with 3 lines that die", but you could have given him a better call-sign. His call-sign was CHUCKLES. It was bad enough that he was the "Expendable loser Asian male with 3 lines that die", but make his callsign the most GIRLISH CALLSIGN EVER? That's just wrong. They might as well made his call-sign Sliteye or something.

"SLITEYE YOU'VE GOT ONE ON YOUR SIX! SLITEYE BREAK LEFT!"
"I'm HIT!!"
"Oh well he was going to die eventually."

Guess what, the guy who played "Sliteye", Terry Chen of Alberta, Canada, is in SNAKES IN A PLANE.

And he's a badass kickboxer

And he displays leadership qualities

And he saves a White Woman from Death from Snakes.

AND HE LIVES!!!

Sliteye vindicated, indeed.

The Red Sox Self-Immolation Post

2006-08-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

Try to pick out which statements are emo, and which statements describe the Red Sox:

KEVIN YOUKILIS IS HITTING FIFTH!!!

MY PARENT'S DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!!!

MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME WHEN SHE HOOKED UP WITH ANOTHER GUY AT THE CREED CONCERT!!!

RUDY SEANEZ DFA'ED!!

YOU BROKE MY LIFE!!!!

MIKE TIMLIN WITH INHERITED RUNNERS IN HIGH LEVERAGE SITUATIONS!!!

MY DADDY DOESN'T LIKE MY BOYFRIEND BECAUSE HE'S GOT A TATTOO!!!

MY MOMMY WON'T GIVE ME MONEY FOR THE SIMPLE PLAN CONCERT!!!

JOSH BECKETT WON'T THROW STRIKES!!!!

P.S. Chelsea bought Bouhlarouz. Awesome. I hope he'll finish the job on Cristiano.

Why I Hate People

2006-08-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Only Real Men with Real Balls Do This

This actually happened. Your job is to decide whether it should have.

In a nine- and 10-year-old PONY league championship game in Bountiful, Utah, the Yankees lead the Red Sox by one run. The Sox are up in the bottom of the last inning, two outs, a runner on third. At the plate is the Sox' best hitter, a kid named Jordan. On deck is the Sox' worst hitter, a kid named Romney. He's a scrawny cancer survivor who has to take human growth hormone and has a shunt in his brain.

So, you're the coach: Do you intentionally walk the star hitter so you can face the kid who can barely swing?

Wait! Before you answer.... This is a league where everybody gets to bat, there's a four-runs-per-inning max, and no stealing until the ball crosses the plate. On the other hand, the stands are packed and it is the title game.

So ... do you pitch to the star or do you lay it all on the kid who's been through hell already?

Yanks coach Bob Farley decided to walk the star.

I've been engaged in a 4 page discussion with regard to this topic... so I'm going to break it down into the POSSIBLE avenues this douchebag could have taken:

1) Coach goes with the hands off approach:
a) Kid pitches to the slugger
i) Pitcher gets slugger out
Coach: "Good job kid. I knew you could do it. Ice cream for everyone, we just won the championship!"

ii) Pitcher doesn't get slugger out, the team loses the game
Coach: "That's alright kid, you did your best, and you faced him like a man. That's the important thing. We still finished second, ice cream for everyone!"

b) Kid walks the slugger on his own, gets the cancer kid to win the game.
Coach: "I didn't like what you did out there, but I understand you did it for the team. You may not always get to "pitch around the batter" in life. I want you to go and think about what you did. I want you to know that you can be better."

Edit: To qualify the following article, I'll have to admit that a) I have been constantly pitched to my ENTIRE LIFE and b) When I was 10, I'd be the first guy on the team to propose to pitch around and find the cancer kid.

This is what little league is about. Not trophies for dumb White guys with bruised egos trying to relive their childhood through kids. It's about the unadulterated spirit of the game, fair competition, kids dealing with their decisions, and fun for everyone. Don't take the ball out of the kid's hands. Let HIM make the decision. STAY OUT OF THE DECISION MAKING.

That being said, if the kid DOES get flak for walking the slugger, it's the ADULT'S job to come out and take responsibility and say "I let my kids make their own decisions, but in the end, I'm the adult, and the buck stops here. If you have a problem with the way my kids play, you come talk to me, not the kid."

Of course, this guy goes with plan C: Be the biggest douchebag possible, SPECIFICALLY ORDER an IBB

As you know, I am not a "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!1111 OH NOES!!!" person, but seirously, what kind of a message did this tool send to his team? What does this asshole did was tell his pitcher the following:

"No, YOU'RE not good enough, we don't believe in your abilities, I want you to beat up on your weaker peers, but it's clearly the best way to get to places in life!"

10 year old kids have... i don't know, SELF-ESTEEMS to build. You wanna know what's going to happen to this pitcher when he goes back to school during recess:

"Hey look, there's the chicken who was picking on the cancer kid!!!"

Still, the best part was the coach's defense of his own douchebaggery:

"Isn't that strategy?" he asks. "Isn't that trying to win? Do we let the kid feel like he's a winner by having the whole league play easy on him? This isn't the Special Olympics. He's not retarded."

You may think a man who does the right thing by facing challanges has balls, but you'd be wrong. It takes a REAL MAN with REAL BALLS to make a wrong decision for petty personal gain, be ready to face the scorn of an entire nation, and then BLAME THE VICTIM afterwards.

Using strategy to win? Sure, but again, if you RTFA, there's a 4 run inning cap, everybody has to bat, so you couldn't even pinch-hit for the cancer kid... I mean, sure it was "comptetive", but the context of the game came NOWHERE CLOSE to calling for an IBB.

By the way, the next morning, Romney woke up and decided to do something about what happened to him.

"I'm going to work on my batting," he told his dad. "Then maybe someday I'll be the one they walk."

Apparently I undervalued 10 year old kids. There is a silver lining in this whole fiasco after all. This is a tough kid. He's learnt something from this. If he can fight cancer, than he can survive the douchebaggery of this planet.

Edit: Why the cancer kid was hitting behind the good kid (from BBTF):

If, in this league, teams typically approach their 4-run limit in a given inning, then spreading the "outs" is, in fact, a wise move. It doesn't make sense to frontload your lineup with your seven best hitters, see all but one get on base and score the maximum number of runs, then watch your seven worst hitters fail to score in the next two innings. Since Reilly doesn't provide the final score, we don't know the particular run environment to determine whether spreading his lineup was the proper call.

Today's Words of Wisdom: KICK HIM

2006-08-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

I played 3 hours today of soccer… because I saw some guys play in a park as I waswalking by. Played for 3 hours.

At one point… I was defending 1 on 1… my teammate (South AMerican) is SCREMAING:

KICK HIM!!!!!

Of course, I don’t do it.

After the play ends.. I go up to him and ask… “what doyou mean by kick him?”

Answer:
“I want you to kick him! To tackel!! To step on him! (then he does a stomping motion). So what if you foul, no big deal. Rules are made to be broken. You
foul him a couple of times, he be scared no? Rules are made to be broken. That’s why South American Football is the best.”

P.S. Never slide without long socks on ARTIFICIAL TURF. I have about this palm sized area on my shin without skin right now.

Bitch, Fuck You, Fuck You In Your Bleeding Ass

2006-07-25T18:01:00.000-07:00

Kelly Ellard's Lawyer Wants a 4th Trial Due to What the Son of a Bitch refers to as a sentence "too harsh"

VANCOUVER -- A lawyer expects there will be a fourth trial for Kelly Ellard, who was convicted of second-degree murder after Reena Virk was beaten to death.

Peter Wilson, Ms. Ellard's lawyer, wants either an acquittal or another trial.

Ms. Ellard received an automatic life sentence in April, 2005 from Mr. Justice Robert Bauman of the B.C. Supreme Court, and was ordered to serve seven years before being eligible for parole.

Ms. Ellard, 15 at the time, was charged in 1997 in the death of 14-year-old Reena, who was beaten and drowned in Victoria's Gorge Waterway.

Ms. Ellard was tried in adult court and, after three trials, was convicted of second-degree murder.

So you and your stupid White Bitch friends gangbeat and drown a poor innocent Brown girl, and 7 years in a Mickey Mouse Prison is TOO HARSH??? What, rich daddy and mommy can't stand the thought of their poor little White princess in prison?

Maybe you should have thought of that before you put Reena's head in the water and kept it there because she was Brown.

Can't they send her to a male prison filled with angry Brown people?

Soccer in Canada

2006-07-21T17:59:00.000-07:00

Let's see:

Opponents - The girls are something like Vancouver City All-Stars and University Varsity

Boys - A bunch of large White men who are all specimens of athletic prowess

My Wildcard: the wonderful smooth grass which allows me to slide about 20 feet.

Who needs to be athletic when all you need to be is insane?

Must. Buy. Materazzi. Jersey.

2006-07-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

The man is my new role model. It's too bad he's a stupid Italian like Todd Bertuzzi. Otherwise I'd worship him.

Seriously:

1) If Materazzi DID say something racist, he should have the book thrown at him Di Canio style. I mean, there is a GIANT FUCKING BANNER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STADIUM that says "NO TO RACISM".

2) Fans that are racist are stupid, should be thrown out of stadiums, and be disqualified from life. Making monkey noises and throwing bananas at African players don't make you funny. It makes you a racist asshole who has chosen to make himself an ass at a soccer game for no apparent reason other than making yourself an ass.

3) All that being said, if I could get somebody as good as Zidane sent off, I'd say/do anything and everything. Screw pushing the envelope. I'd fucking burn the envelope. I'd talk about his whore sister, his dying mother, his dead grandmother, his gay uncle, his molested kids, whatever was available. I'd use every single racist slur ever devised by any ignorant redneck. I'd talk about fucking his kids, White Noise style. If there was something worth trading your personal integrity for, the World Cup, the glory, and the hot and cold running pools of high class poontang would probably be one.

In short, I don't condone racism, but I'd engage in it if it wins me a World Cup.

There is a subtle difference being just a racist douchebag for no apparent reason, and trading your personal integrity and honour for a World cup. It's subtle, both despicable, but it's there. And I have never ever claimed to be a saint.

I mean, I got some Belgian guy who's 5 times the player I am to take a Yellow Card (should have been sent off) for telling him to "Cry me a river." Imagine what would have happened had I told him to "Go Back to Holland." Supposedly Belgians get really angry when they are mixed up with the dutch, kind of like Koreans and Japanese. Had I had that information ahead of time, I probably would have utilized it.

Went Gift Shopping for You Fuckers Yesterday

2006-07-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

Went to the wholesale district for girly shit yesterday.

Literally had to leave my testicles at the door of the store, or otherwise they wouldn't let me in.

Bought a krapload of Hello Kitty stuff, so you'd all suffer as much as I do.

Cars will be fobbed.

Kittens will be hung on cell phones.

Fun will be had by all.

I Met a Girl at a Wedding Last Friday

2006-06-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

Most Beautiful Asian Girl Ever.

I will never see her again.

I am sad.

My Family, Proud New Owner of an Giant Fucking Projector Screen

2006-06-04T06:36:00.000-07:00

Just in time for WC2006

GO DAD'S MID-LIFE CRISIS!!!

Boo

Fucking

Yeah

This Won't be a Racist Piece of Shit, Of Course Not!!!

2006-05-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Brittany Murphy stars in upcoming movie "The Ramen Girl"

The Ramen Girl is the charming story of a young American woman (Murphy), who finds herself stranded in Tokyo after a break-up with her boyfriend. Searching for meaning and direction in her life, she soon finds herself training to be a ramen noodle chef under the tutelage of a tyrannical, temperamental Japanese master (Toshiyuki Nishida). Their contentious relationship is the center of this funny, bittersweet story.

This is going nowhere good.

I'm almost bracing myself for the "dog meat flavoured ramen" jokes.

You know what's happening though...

I'm getting Ramen for lunch.

So fuck you Hollywood, fuck you in the ass.

At least they got a Japanese person to play Japanese this time.

You Know What I Hate About Soccer?

2006-05-21T05:56:00.000-07:00

THE FUCKING WHINING

SHUT THE FUCK AND PLAY BALL

Case 1: Last Week's CL Championships

OK We get it. Your guy was fouled. Or wasnt fouled and took a dive. Or the referee is stupid. Whatever.

STOP SURROUNDING THE REFEREE. BOTH SIDES

He's going to call whatever he's goign to call, no matter how stupid it is.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIS MIND.

SHUT THE FUCK UP SO THE GAME CAN CONTINUE.

(P.S: on that play you play advantage, let the goal stand, and then yellow card Lehmann. Sending off + no goal aws probably the WORST call conceived)

Example two: Yesterday in our league game (We won 2-1...)

To my team:
Guys, stop playing referee. If they ref DOESN'T blow the whistle, it means PLAY ON. It doesn't mean "STAND AROUND AND WHINE FOR A FOUL THAT HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL." KEEP PLAYING.

So what if the reffing is bad.

ALL REFFING is bad.

If they can't get a fucking call in the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL right, the refs for our fucking NTU Series B League isn't going to be a fucking genius either.

To the other team:

SHUT THE FUCK UP.
STOP WHINING FOR FOULS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DON'T EXIST
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE A BUNCH OF DIRTY FUCKERS

And when they DO get the foul, they're still fucking whining!

OH NO I PUSHED YOU.

WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck if you don't want to play a contact sport, go swimming or some shit.

Fuck

I Thought Bananas Were the Best People In the World...

2006-05-15T07:29:00.000-07:00

And as usual, I'm wrong.

Last Friday, they give us this patient...

It's a 51 year old mother who's a breast cancer patient.... before we do our history and PE, I go over the file... here were the semi-medically relevent bits that jumped out at me

"Trauma after fall during fight with overseas daughter"
"Caesarian in 1980"

This was going no where good.

Apparently, this 51 year old mother, WHO JUST HAD BREAST CANCER SURGERY, and WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED, was BEATEN by her 26 year old daughter.

Of course, it gets better/worse.

Tony: "Um... so you came to the ER because you suffered a fall?"
Patient: "Well... I had a fight with my daughter... she came back from overseas for work issues, and I wanted to talk to her... we got into a fight, and she pushed me to the ground, and then she KICKED ME DOWN... My husband and I sent her overseas when she was young... everything she has, her job, her life, we gave her... We disagree on a few things... I wanted her to get married, but she won't..."

"I told her I wanted to go live with her, but she said 'not a chance in hell'... and told me to go live in a home... and you know those places, if you had 10 years to live, you'll only live for 2... My husband died recently, and I have nothing left... I devoted my life for her, but now she's kicking me aside..."

Tony: "Where did you send your daughter?"

Inside head: Please don't be Canada please don't be Canada Please don't be Canada

Answer: "Canada"

Tony Inside Head: FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

My guess of inner thoughts of my three classmates standing there:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Two things are blatantly obvious:

1) The mother is annoying
2) The daughter is a stupid bitch

I hope I never ever run into this fucking whore on the street, because I'm relatively sure when I'm through I'm going to get a lawsuit of some sort.

If you were born with Yellow Skin, your mother is bound to be annoying.

DEAL WITH IT

So she's annoying.

EVERY ASIAN MOTHER IS ANNOYING.

IT'S AN UNWRITTEN RULE OF THE UNIVERSE.

You don't see me beating my mom, even though that's mostly due to fear.

I don't give a shit how annoying she is.
I don't give a shit if she tried to set you up with some 2-bit Asian dude every day.
I don't give a shit if she bitches you out for coming home late after you give some White fucker a blowjob

If your dad just died, and your mom has cancer and can no longer work,

YOU LET HER LIVE WITH YOU

What a useless fucking bitch. I hope she burns in hell.

My New $1850 CDN Asus Frying Pan

2006-05-03T10:18:00.000-07:00

I meant laptop.

I could fry an egg with this thing

Specs:
T2400 Dual Core CPU
1 Gig of Memory
ATI X1600 Video Card 256Mb
100 Gigabyte Harddrive
15.4 WXGA screen
DVD-Burner

It's hot like burning urine!

NO! I DON'T WANT HELLO KITTY SHIT! JUST FUCK OFF!

2006-04-26T03:37:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE FUCK

Today at noon:

After lunch, I stroll across to the 7-11 across from my dorm. I buy a bottle of green tea...

Store Clerk: if you buy two bottles of green tea, you get a hello kitty bobblehead.
Tony: No Thanks.

Just now (after dinner):

7-11's here have this thing called "iCASH". It's a card where you can put money "in it", and instead of cash you just swipe the card at 7-11s. I never bothered getting one, but I saw my buddy with an iCASH card, so I say to the store clerk "yeah, can i get one please?"

She then turns around, grabs this cardboard folder, and opens it:
"Would you like to choose between the 5 Hello Kitty Designs for the Card?"

My face turns green.

Tony: Um... do you have something... like... normal? You know... like Green?

Store clerk (different from teh one this morning of course): Yeah, there's a few regular designs over there.

I choose the one that says "iCASH" on it, in favour of the iCASH card with Barbie on it.

Store Clerk: If you put in 300 NT for the initial amount, you can get a Hello Kitty Calendar!

Tony: Uh, i'll put in 200 NT thanks.

Store Clerk: Would you like the Hello Kitty Pin?

Tony: Yes (Only because inside the package for the pins there is a COUPON)

*I pay money*

Store Clerk: Is there something not "normal" about Hello Kitty?

My friend: Well, it's not really "him".

Like I do some pretty lame things like listen to Alanis Morrisette, but is there a giant sign I'm carrying that says "GIANT FLAMING EFFEMINITE ASIAN SCHOOLBOY" that I'm not aware of?

If there is, let me know.

Yikes.

Top 10 Todd Bertuzzi Stupidity Moments

2006-04-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

This needs no further introduction.

Number 10:
Todd Bertuzzi pwn3d by TREVOR LETOWSKI

Jason Chimera, who scored the first Columbus goal, carried the puck down the left wing and left a drop pass for Letowski. Letowski put a fake on Todd Bertuzzi that froze him before charging in on goaltender Alexander Auld, skating to the slot and beating Auld between his leg pads.

Bertuzzi gets beaten quite a lot in the defensive zone, but that's not really the issue here. It's TREVOR LETOWSKI

The Trevor Letowski who could not deke past a gentle summer breeze blowing against him.

Number 9::
Todd Bertuzzi Takes Stupid Penalty in Important Situation, Opposition Score

Again, this is one of those "recurring themes", but there's this one moment I want to specifically mention:

2001 Playoffs, First Round, Game 3 at GM Place.

It's OT

The Canucks are rushing up the ice, the Avs have taken a delayed penalty.

I'm relatively sure it was BEHIND THE PLAY, Todd Bertuzzi just TACKLES Eric Messier. It's now a 4 on 4

Peter Forsberg scores on the next shift.

Number 8:
Todd Bertuzzi takes a TRIPLE MINOR

Despite the come-from-behind tie, right wing Todd Bertuzzi had a rough night. Calgary jumped ahead 2-0 while Bertuzzi, who had his 12-game point-scoring streak snapped, was serving a rare triple-minor for interference, roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct.

I used to think these things were rare.

Not with the Canucks though.

To be fair, Kerry Fraser was the official that night.

Next

Number 7:
Bertuzzi in a Jealous Hissy Fit punches teammate Jeff O'Neill

The year after that, in his own locker room, for no apparent reason other than jealousy, he punched out teammate Jeff O'Neill, who at the time was Guelph's prized first-round pick.

The guy that wrote the article is a total asshole, but I would not be surprised if the reason Bertuzzi punched Jeff O'neill was out of jealousy. Jeff O'Neill isn't the brightest of the bunch either. (that quote about the lockout? Genius)

(Thanks to OFC for the link)

Number 6:
Todd Bertuzzi's Punches a Linesman

In the NHL, Bertuzzi punched linesman Jean Morin in a 1996 scuffle and ended up suspended for three games

IIRC, he only punched a linesman because he tried to punch another player during a fight, but ACCIDENTALLY hit the linesman. That's why he got off with only 3 games.

Number 5:
"It is what it is"

"It is what it is," was all he would offer, time and again, when asked for his thoughts on the evening

English Majors:

If anybody can figure out what the F!@# that means, or maybe it's some sort of literary device or something, please leave a snarky comment, because to me it makes NO FUCKING SENSE

Number 4:
Todd Bertuzzi Punches a Bus

Like the time in 1991, playing in the Northern Ontario midget championships, when his team was beaten out in the finals by Sault Ste. Marie and he chased the winning team's bus out of the parking lot, swearing and pounding on the windows, out of control.

I just can't make this shit up.

I wish I could, because then I could write for 24.

Number 3:
The Infamous 10 Game Suspension

losing 10 more games to suspension for jumping the bench to attack a Colorado player in 2001.

Yeah, this writer is an asshole, because he totally fails to mention that it was Scott Parker that ATTACKED Ed Jovanovski, and Bert jumps off the bench to "help".

I don't care if this moment "transformed" Bertuzzi.

Only two morons like Ed Jovanovski and Todd Bertuzzi would let themselves taken off the ice by SCOTT PARKER

Sigh

Number 2:

I've said many a times:

WHY DIDN'T HE TURN THE MOTHERFUCKER AROUND FIRST

One of my rules of life is that "if one is going to do something wrong, than one should do it right."

If you're going to pull some stupid stunt like that and ruin the team's chances in the playoffs, then don't cry about it afterwards like a tool. Take it like a man and move on, and not play like krap after you finish your suspension.

I'd much rather have seen Bertuzzi go into the press conference and be like "I'm Todd Bertuzzi, BITCH!"

He's already a giant asshole. This just makes him a pussy AND an asshole.

Number 1:
"THERE WON'T BE A GAME SIX"

Do I REALLY need to point out how stupid it is to fire up an opponent when we were up 3-1 in the series?

GOOD JOB TODD!!!!!111111

Blatant Omissions to Greatest American Heroes

2006-04-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Winters Speirs and Nixon.

Forgetting their badassness was blasphemy at an outrageous scale.

It shall never happen again.

I'm not sure who's more badass among the 3.

Winters is the most well-rounded badassness, and bonus points for still being alive.

Spiers KILLED POW'S and pwned some arty units solo rushing.

Nixon goes into some German dude's house and just takes all the liquor.

Belgium is Dead To Me

2006-04-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

We're down 2-1 (we were down 2-0 early, we score an early goal in the second half... I came on as a sub at the start of the second half because we were so terrible on D and we were constantly getting outmuscled...)

I carry into the opposition zone (I'm a RB, I usually NEVER carry)... i have bad ball skills... I lose the ball, and in a moment of total stupidity, i slide-tackle some 6'4 White Dude in some vain hope to get the ball back.

By some stroke of miraculous luck, i DON'T get carded, and the OTHER 6'4 White Dude (i hear he's Belgian) just FLIPS out and starts talking trash, in Mandarin no less. Of course, me being the jackass I am, told him to, in these exact words "cry him a bloody river".

I also start going "WWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH WWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" really loudly.

Durign this time, I was walking AWAY from him, back to my defensive position. In reality I wanted to get some distance from the guy before he went apeshit and pounded me into the next life.

The guy I slid-tackle... was cool. THe other guy (who's been pretty dirty and whiny the entire game) just went off the hook, and started fouling EVERYBODY and was trying to carry through 4 people with the ball (not happening of course, he was good, but not THAT good)...

during this one play where we were awarded a free kick, he KICKS the my teammate in the leg FROM BEHIND... i was about to go have a "chat" with him (yes, chat, I don't to die, but I was planning to question his ancestry) when I see the referee starts to reach into his pocket. I don't go up to him because I assume this is going to be a red card, so I back off.

It's a bloody yellow.

In retrospect, I was pretty pissed off. I'm a shit disturber, but I finish my own krap. Should have went for a little "cultural exchange" session. Next time perhaps.

All's well that ends well though, we score on a last minute 30 yard free kick (Dude from Macau), and we tie the game.

The saga is not over:

One of our guys goes up to angry White man and goes "Peace man, calm down"...

Angry White Man SLAPS my buddy to the ground, and hell almost broke loose. Our Malaysian teammate was going to do soething stupid, but he was stopped (because he was about 1 foot smaller than Angry White Man).

God I look terrible in that stupid Green bib I had to wear. I don't have a uniform.

I Have Now Officially Stayed Overnight in a Whorehouse

2006-04-01T06:09:00.000-08:00

SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW

It's our annual Medcup Tournament. Our baseball team travels South to Tainan to compete. There is a list of recommended hotels. We pick the one closest and cheapest to the baseball field.

BIGGEST
MISTAKE
EVAR

It took us half an hour to find the place. It was in some dark unlighted alley. There is no lights. The building is a 5-story apartment building that is barely lighted.

We step in the front door: it's dark, and there's about 3 women in their 40's. Wearing Skimpy Clothing and thicker makeup than a plaster wall. There's some 50 year old dude with a beer wearing a white beater shirt.

This can't be good.

We go upstairs to our "rooms"

There is cigarette ashes on the bedsheets.

When we turned on the air conditioning black shit came out

The bathroom looked liked something out of a prison movie

The entire place smelled like herpes.

How I made it through the night: Went to 7-11, bought a roll of the large black plastic bag stuff, layed it ALL ACROSS THE BED, and laid on it for the rest of the night with a raincoat and a surgical facemask on.

Needless to say we got the fuck out the next night, but not before being hammered 19:1 by the home team the next day. Did I mention I came out to pitch down EIGHTEEN RUNS?

I've seen dirty tactics before, but this is the first time BIOLOGICAL WARFARE has been employed to win a bloody softball game. They recommended a BIO-HAZARD for us to stay in. (Another team stayed at the hotel too btw... they were pissed also)

If the organizers didn't check out the hotels before they recommended them, then they're a bunch of fucking incompetent morons.

If they DID check out the hotels...

HOME ADVANTAGE DOES NOT MEAN PUTTING OPPONENTS AT RISK AT FROM ANAL RAPE/SEXUALLY TRANSMITTEDED DISEASES THE NIGHT BEFORE THE GAME.

I mean, if you're gonna put us in a whorehouse, at least put us in a GOOD whorehouse where it's like clean and shit and the women are under 40.

TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE

Todd Bertuzzi is with the Terrorists

2006-03-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how every year we manage to suck. When we don't have talent (Mike Keenan days), we just suck. When we do have talent, I just can't believe how little we do with it. At least during the dark days. we'd have a random colletion of enforcers that would beat the shit out of people. Now he only toughness we ever see is Matt Cooke getting beat up every night and Jarkko Ruutu taking cheapshots at other players. Cheapshots are fun for the whole family, but it's not enough.

Why can't get we get some real hockey players? Like Shane Doan, Ryan Smyth, or Brad Richards? You know, players that move their feet, go to a corner, occasionally contact an opposing player, and skate near the goalie a couple of times a game? You know, a player with male genitalia and a functioning cerebrum?

Instead we've got this fat lazy stupid Italian douchebag sack of shit that thinks he's a finesse playmaker and drags the rest of the team down with him. The only reason he ever goes near the net is to take stupid penalty, and when he ventures to a corner it's probably to order a fucking hotdog from the stands. Everytime he does a drop pass, I die a little inside, and my sweet childhood innocence with it.

I'm convinced the WCE needs to be broken up for good and put with foot soldiers. That is if we can't move his fat lazy stupid Italian ass for somebody good cheap and young. Bob Clarke might stupid enough to trade us Pitkanen, you never know. Hey, Bert IS over 6'2!

1) Anson Carter is walking after this season to cash out. We can't afford to keep him, and NO MORE STUPID EXPENSIVE LONG-TERM CONTRACTS. So we need AGAIN to find a winger for the Sedins. I say stick Markus Naslund there. The Sedins woudl do their thing in the corners (seriously, when was the last time anybody on the WCE dug for a puck), and get Nazzy the puck. At least Nazzy is smart enough to shoot.

If we had old Bertuzzi, I'd stick him with the Sedins. Old Bert with New Twins would fucking pwn everybody. Bertuzzi would tie up 2 guys in front of the net, and the Twins would tag team some bitch-ass n00b d-man in the corners.

Edit: there is a lot of talk about Anson Carter staying, due to his media comments and the fact that he took less money to sign in Vancouver. Just a few issues:
a) up until this point in Anson Carter's career, he's been regarded as a skilled lazy perimeter player whose production is inconsistant at best.
b) The reason he chose us over the Leafs is obvious. If you were on a one-year contract and you wanted big money for your next contract, who would you rather play with, Daniel and Henrik, or Tie Domi and Jonus Hoglund?

Anson Carter is not a stupid man. He knows the score, and where the blingage is at.

2) Bertuzzi with Kesler and Burrows. Bertuzzi displays occasional hints of effort with Kesler, and Kesler and Burrows go to corners and near the net which creates havoc for Bert to drop pass to somebody on the other team.

Alex Burrows is a fringe NHL player. But he's cheap and he crashes, so he deserves a job.

Edit: the premise for this is that Todd Bertuzzi somehow is not moved. We need to get young good cheap asset(s) back from a Bertuzzi trade. If we get krap offer like "aging veteran bum and 2nd round pick" for Bertuzzi there is no bloody point.

3) Morrison with Cooke and Ruutu. Remember the good old days where Morrison would play on a speedy checking line and score 50 points? Those were the days. He's too expensive for this role, so he'll probably be moved. But if he isn't... hello old friend Cooke.

4) I'm not sure about the 4th line. I say bring back Chubarov from Russia and build the 4th line around him Give him a little exra money, promise him some extra ES time, whatever. He's our best PK guy, and him out on ES time doesn't hurt team ever.

Random note:

Keep Keith Carney. But for no more than two years. He actually doesn't suck

WBC: Massive Success in Every Way Possible

2006-03-21T09:41:00.000-08:00

Let me put it to you this way:

Asian Countries Participating: 4
Crazy Ultranationalistic Asian Countries Participating: 3
Douchebaggey American Umpire: 1
Number of Years Ichiro! aged: 60*
Final Batting Line of GREATEST AMERICAN HERO: .150/.393/.600/.993
BHK Self-destruct innings: 1
Alex Rodriguez blamed for loss not his fault: Positive
Adam Stern hitting for the cycle: 1
Teams in Final that the United States has beefed with in the last 100 years: 2
Shooting Wars: 0

Fantastic Tourney

Fun was had by all. Except for BHK. Screw him.

Few random thoughts:

1. Osagawara - Despite rugged good looks and great 1B defense, didn't do as much at the plate.

2. Nishioka - Brings out the inner giggling school girl in yours truly. Does EVERYTHING well: hits for contact, has decent power when he gets a hold of one (Hello Mr. KKKKOOOOOOOOOOO), can outrun a bloody gazelle, huge range at 2B... and that push bunt today? TEXTBOOK

3. Kawasaki - stunk today. Makes 2 errors today... tries to bunt for a basehit twice... both times snuffed out by the D. Of course, when he has to lay down a SAC bunt, he fails. Nishioka-san bails him out, and then bails himself out with that great bit of baserunning coming home.

4. Ichiro! - good contact throughout the tournament... had a lot of hard line drives by infielders. Will learn not to talk as much shit.

5. Uehara - I think we can put him in that "Roger Clemens/Curt Schilling" "family" of pitchers now. Great control, WILL not give up the walk, can strike out guys, good splitter... not as much life in that fastball, and not as douchey, but he can pitch.

6. Fukudome - from .100 tourney hitter to instant National Hero. Oh-san is a genius

7. Oh-san doesn't know what he's doing

What does Bobby Valentine have to do, send a bloody memo with his players?
a) Fujita: 45 appearences, 38 IP... what does Oh-san do? Leaves him to face a second righty... get hammered.

b) Watanabe: Don't use against too many lefties... leaves him in against a bunch of lefties.

What was Oh-San doing pulling Matsuzaka in the 5th anyway? He was cruising! Everybody knows you can leave Matsuzaka in there for like 15 innings!

*
Reference

Japan’s leading hitter Ichiro Suzuki had fired up South Korea with his pre-tournament comment that he wanted to show the rivals they would never beat Japan “for at least 30 years.”

Well, that guy isn't going home.

2006-03-19T03:34:00.000-08:00

Good

Whatever sympathy I had for Byun-Hyun Kim? Gone.

He comes on with no outs and Matsunaka on 2nd after hitting a double off some 21 yaer old lefty.

He K's Tamura because Oh wants him to lay down a bunt and fails.

Then Oh-san brings in Fukudome, who's hitting about .100 this tournament... and Kim throws this 83 mph hanging slider RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE and Fukudome PWNS him to RF and he BAT FLIPS.

Osagawara and his rugged good looks comes up to bat next... Kim plunks him with the FIRST PITCH that was about 10 feet off teh plate, the ump comes out and warns both teams.

Then Kim throws a WP, Osagarawa advances.

Then Satozaki doubles.

So your typical BHK meltdown inning, except with a classless plunking (instead of his normal control problems), and the loss of National Pride.

That plunking?

TOTAL

BUSH

LEAGUE

Japan Was Screwed Today

2006-03-12T22:07:00.000-08:00

What a screwjob.

Nishioka is still sexy though.

Greatest American Heroes in History

2006-03-07T23:22:00.000-08:00

In No Particular Order:

David Ortiz
Jack Bauer
Chuck Norris
Agent Pierce
Agent Baker
Lt. Gaeta
Chewbacca
Stephen Colbert
Dennis Haysbert
Madeleine Albright

What? can't have a list of greatest American Heroes without a Jew. Or a Wookie.

You Know What I Fucking Hate?

2006-03-06T00:33:00.000-08:00

MOTHERFUCKERS THAT TAKE THE ELEVATOR TO GO UP OR DOWN ONE FLOOR.

Elevators have limited room.

I'm running late.

I'm going to the 5th floor.

TAKE THE FUCKING STAIRS IF YOU ONLY HAVE ONE FLOOR TO GO YOU LAZY BASTARDS.

From now on, I decree that elevator usage must be limited to two floors or more except for the following:

1) Cargo being carried in like a cart or something
2) Old people
3) Wheelchair people
4) Crutches people
5) If you have NYHA Class II or more Heart Failure

She Can Come Home. Proudly.

2006-02-23T09:30:00.000-08:00

Irrational Anger Due to Loss of Nationalistic Pride, Part II

2006-02-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

Some Quotes:

You can say Paul Kariya should be here. - Bob McKenzie

Btw, the context was this:

You can go through that whole exercise, but guys that were here have some explaining to do.

I've heard that a lot from people NOT Bob McKenzie. And it wasn't in THAT context.

Paul Kariya?

"But Paul Kariya would have fared well on the big ice!"

Please. You mean a forward with a similar skillset to Martin St. Louis?

(You can apply the same conversation to Crosby/Phaneuf/Staal/Spezza)

The Team Canada coaches and executives, not unlike their American cousins, were left scratching their heads about why they didn't generate enough offense.

Quinn said Canada was guilty of trying to stretch the ice by employing the wrong methods. The forwards got too far away from the defense in the transition game. Passes couldn't be completed and the defense didn't have the ability to skate the puck forward effectively. Teams sat back and challenged Canada to come at them.
-nhl.com

Why the fuck didn't you figure this out BEFORE the game.

"We tried to play this stretch game where instead of playing with speed, we stood still thinking that we were stretching," Quinn said.

You see, when I bitch about those long passes that don't do anything except for ice the puck, nobody listens.

General talk about leadership of Yzerman and Lemieux

I no longer buy that "leadership" stuff anymore, but I seriously ponder if a bunch of 40 year olds with broken bodies would have been slower than the current team. At least Steve Yzerman can win a draw, not to mention those two are seriously the CLUTCHEST PLAYERS EVAR

"We lost a couple of guys to injury and certainly Scott Niedermayer could bring some speed." -Quinn

Yeah, a non-pylon like Neidermayer would have helped. But one non-pylon out of 7 who's out tehre for 25 minutes means you still have pylons out there for 35 minutes.

Aptar of Vanwhitenoise.com:
This team DESPERATELY needed a spark

You mean playing in the Olympics with the best players in teh World and representing your country isn't a spark? Do we need to promise players sexual favours from Gretzky's wife?

...A competent, puck carrying offensive defenseman was a huge weakness for this team...

How this has anythign relevant to a Jovanovski conversation other than "he should be traded for something like that" I have no idea. In fact, no sentence with "Jovanovski" and "Competent" should ever exist.

This is a guy who has consistently been an offensive spark for Canada and the Canucks in the playoffs. Instead of going out without an offensive peep in the last 10 mins, I'd much rather have seen Jovo spending that 3rd period playing his vertical game, crashing the front of the net, gambling, etc.

Yes, because having Jovanovski trying to carry through the neutral zone against four opposing sweaters lined up without puck support is fine idea. (I think that theme has been worn out already, but I'm not the one commiting that heinous crime against humanity, don't shoot the messenger)

Perhaps Canada's problem was the team was too talented. - nhl.com

There's no such thing as "too much talent". When the only two things players are doing are

a) Nothing
b) Stupid things

There is no such thing as "too much talent."

This was lazy hockey. This was STUPID hockey.

Canada Can Learn From Korea

2006-02-23T06:38:00.000-08:00

I think Korea has some good ideas, some ideas, not so hot. For example, "somehow" getting the most biased calls in their favour arousing the World's anger and suspicions, not so good. One of their Unofficial National Policies is this:

If you don't win, don't bother coming home.

It's not so much that "they can't go home". They're not deporting them or stripping them of their citizenship or anything, it's just that unless they accomplish something, they'll be shamed forever when they go home and the media hounds them forever.

What happens to our players? They go back to playing NHL hockey being paid millions of dollars. Personally, I don't think Chris Pronger should be let back into the country, because we'd have to pay for his health care, which at this point he does not deserve. Go to the States and pay for that shit. Bryan McCabe should be deported, lynched, hanged, humiliated, dismembered, and excommunicated from the church, and not in that order.

If I ever saw these guys on the street, I'd tell them how much they sucked. I urge all other Canadians to do the same thing. These guys go back to their million dollar mansions, fancy cars, and trophy wives, while us loyal fans are left with nothing except disappointment and humiliation from internet users from Europe.

Free Passes:

Bertuzzi

Took a dumb penalty today, but he actually only took 3 penalties in the entire tournament, and had some good shifts, and after the Bertuzzi Scale of Stupidity Adjustment, he gets a free pass. He can't help it.

Joe Sakic

Stripped down to his jersey and a pair of shorts, Sakic bore a 12-stitch scar across his left cheek (which is slightly fractured) and a black eye. These are the souvenirs Sakic will carry home, courtesy of an errant stick in Canada's shock loss to Switzerland. -NHL.com

I'm going to go with Bob McKenzie on this one, Sakic gets a free pass.

My Guys

Richards passed when he had an open net, Smyth took a stupid penalty, but the PK was good enough today that Richards/Smyth/Doan get a free pass, as well as Draper (whom I think shouldn't have been here). It's not Draper's fault he's can't do anything but kill penalties. They picked him.

Brodeur/Luongo

We were outshot today. We had ONE shot against the Czechs in the 3rd Period. Finland was pwning us. The Goaltenders get a free pass. Had they been short of the fantastic they were, we wouldn't have made the quarters.

Heatley

Dany Heatley would be the seventh forward I'd talk about. He, along with Nash, was supposed to have a coming out party. They didn't get the job done. - Bob McKenzie

Gotta disagree with you on this one Bob, Heatley was actually forechecking this tournament.

Vincent LeCavalier

Again, Vinny-Smyth-St.Louis was the best ES line for Canada.

Martin St. Louis

It's not his fault he's tiny.

Wade Redden

The least shitty Canada d-men

The Deportation List:

Bryan F McCabe

I'm ashamed that guy has the same passport as I do.

Chris Pronger

Did somebody sabotage Canada by putting Ed Jovaovski's brain in Chris Pronger, THEN that somebody break his foot with a baseball bat over and over again? I STILL can't believe we have to pay for this asshole's health care. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have his children taken away (BTF REFERENCE WHAT), but I hope they make his children go to private school or something. And he should pay DOUBLE income taxes and 20% GST.

I recall Chris Pronger saying that Salt Lake was "The Worst Tournament of his Professional Career" or something along those lines.

This definitly tops that

The Moron That STILL Put Chris Pronger out for 25 minutes A Night

I know the internet has some stupid things, but we occasionally get it right. You know, LIMIT HIS ICE TIME BECAUSE HE FUCKING SUCKED. Congratulations to whatever moron decided to put him out in the last minute.

Joe Thornton

San Jose Sharks? He should be fed to sharks, Except that if a shark tried to chew on his head it would bite down on nothing but bone.

Fuck that was a lame insult. The only thing he hit the entire tournament was probably the bottle.

Ok that was offensive. But so was his performance, so we're even.

Jarome Iginla

Oh look! He skated around! He looks worried! HE HAS HEART

I hate to hate on the only minority on the team, but he did NOTHING.

Rick Nash

Unfairly benched for the Czech game, but what does he do when he comes back?

TRIPS THE FUCKING GOALTENDER

Rob Blake

Couldn't hit the net, didn't ass check anybody, was slow like everybody else.

Jay Bowmeester

GREATEST SKATING DEFENSEMAN EVAR (tm) manages to look slowfooted.

Edit: He was +4 this tourney, which meant that his mistakes didn't cost us anything. And he wasn't THAT bad, I just thought he was overrated. He's aight

Adam Foote/Robyn Regehr

"We didn't have terrific speed back there," Quinn said.

Pylons don't move.

Do These Guys Even KNOW They Suck?

2006-02-22T08:23:00.000-08:00

The Shit List:

BRYAN F McCABE

Everytime I thought he has reached his maximum uselessness, he ceases to amaze me with his krappiness. He was on for like five fucking minutes. Takes one penalty that was absolutely moronic, and his other penalty was when he was beaten due to his utter uselessness

JAROME IGINLA

Took an absolutely BONEHEAD penalty today. Had one or two decent shift but otherwise was useless the entire night creating NOTHING on the forecheck

JOE THORNTON

Did NOTHING all day. Had an "assist" but really just a lucky bounce. The bounces went our way ALL night long.

Whatever Moron On the Coaching Staff That Decided to Bench Rick Nash

He was bad in the Finland Game, but no worse than the rest of these morons. Send him out there!

Adam Foote

Made some big hits, but had some trouble playing the puck, and if you don't stop icing the puck with those fancy long passes from your own zone, the health of my roomates will be in danger.

The Not Teh Suck

My Guys - Smyth/Doan/Richards

Richards had an awesome game killing penalties. Got a great bounce for his goal, but hey, gotta be lucky to be good and good to be lucky. Doan again great on the PK and was effective when he was on hitting people. Smitty did his usual, drove to the net, did dirty work, came back to check and on St. Louis's fluke goal was battlign in front of the net which I'm sure had something to do with it.

St.Louis/Vinny

The St. Louis/Vinny/Smyth line was by far the best line even strength. St. Louis again looked a little outmuscled but had good speed today. He missed a check when I think Kaberle hit the post, but no matter. Vinny was physical and good.

General PK Goodness

I don't want to giev Kris Draper his own category, but he's doing his job on the PK. Sakic, Richards, Doan, Smyth, Draper, and d-men other than McCabe - good job. I know it was Blake that took that penalty that made us go down 5 on 3, but I missed that part somehow and didn't see the replay, so I don't know what happened. I want to assume it was moronic and move on.

Todd Bertuzzi

If you apply the Bertuzzi Scale of Stupidity Adjustment to his performance against the Czechs, he'd rate a 29 out of 10. He took ZERO penalties, was actually went near the boards, HIT players, and one actually HIT A PLAYER IN HIS OWN ZONE. HARD.

Whatever Genius on the Coaching Staff That Decided to Stop Playing Pronger 30 minutes a Night

Maybe he's been on the internet. I don't know.

Marty Brodeur

Quebec STILL justifying its existence. Let's hope this continues.

The Czech Defense:

I knew Kubina was good. I've always liked Spacek and thought he had a good game. When were the Kaberle's this good? Tomas was ASSERTIVE and Frantisek Kaberle didn't suck! And Marek Greztky was damn solid.

I Am So Damn Sick of Chris Pronger

2006-02-20T07:20:00.000-08:00

GET CHRIS PRONGER OFF THE ICE

Chris Pronger: Height: 6'6" Weight: 220
Saku Koivu: Height: 5'10" Weight: 184

Saku Koivu beats Chris Pronger along the boards, resulting in the winning goal. Now, before I get to the next part, I should state that Koivu is an excellent skater, great balance and agility, and good lower body strength.

You don't lose a battle along the boards when the guy is 8 inches shorter and 36 pounds lighter. You just don't.

It’s not ALL Pronger's fault by any means. He's got a bad foot, yet Pat Quinn still insists on sending him out there for 25 minutes a game. You've got six, I mean five other decent defenseman you can play. Bryan McCabe doesn't count because he’s bloody useless. At least Jay Bowmeester can skate, Adam Foote is good for 2-handers, and Rob Blake can do an asscheck.

IT HELPS IF YOU WIN A FACEOFF

I don't know what our faceoff percentage is right now, but I bet you it's pretty atrocious. (Why can I not google up ANY team and individual stats right now?) Not winning faceoffs in the defensive end means the other team has possession and we’re running around trying to get the puck back. This coupled with 5'10 forwards beating 6'6 d-men along the boards causes trouble. In the offensive zone, if we don’t win the draw, we don’t have possession, and we can't do anything. This is part of the reason why our PP sucks

STOP TAKING STUPID PENALTIES

Bertuzzi will never get this memo. Other people, stop it. We've taken so many damn penalties it's actually justifying the selection of Kris Draper, who is otherwise useless. Our dedicated PK guy, who can’t do anything else, is getting a tonne of mileage simply due to the fact were taking SO MANY PENALTIES. STOP IT.

Who’s took penalties that's taken us off the PP so far? I've got Gagne, Bert, and Iggy. I may have missed somebody.

IF YOU SCORE ON A PP, YOU CAN'T GET SHUT OUT

1) Win a faceoff. Possession helps.
2) Move the dude on the halfboards closer in. The surface is bigger, if he's along the boards he has no shooting angle
3) Take Chris Pronger off the PP. He's not mobile enough to be playing the point.
4) GET THE SHOT THROUGH. 100 mph slapshots that go wide puts the puck in… umm… NEVER. Get the shot through. Bertuzzi is actually in front of the net doing his job, which comes about as often as hot young attractive women that are interested in yours truly. Yes Blake I'm talking to you.
5) Get Bryan McCabe off the PP if he can't follow point 4.
6) We need a new point man on the PP. Preferably somebody that can pass. coughSakicRichardscough

Fans: STOP SHITTING ON DOAN AND SMYTH

Two “checking” forwards out of twelve (Draper is so useless I'm not even counting him) is not why we’re not scoring goals. Those two are NOT the problem. Smyth and Doan are actually doing stuff i.e. skating, finishing checks, dirty work, etc. The Richards/Doan/Smyth line so far has been the line that has been the most consistent so far in terms of work rate and physical play. There are plenty of other culprits. Joe Thornton has done NOTHING even strength. Rick Nash was good against the Swiss, but was so terrible against the Finns he got benched late in the game (and missed a breakaway). Martin St. Louis is getting pwned by bigger players. Where is Iginla? LeCavalier has been good and physical though.

This is actually a small part of a bigger problem:

THESE GUYS CAN'T RUN A BREAKOUT TO SAVE THEIR LIVES

The breakout is just a series of stupidity:
Trying to carry through the neutral zone
Through four opposing sweaters lined up in the neutral zone
Without Puck Support

Genius

Those long passes are a great idea too. You either ice the puck or the Finns cut it off for a counterattack. We're not going to get anything off the rush with 4 guys lined up in the neutral zone. SO STOP TRYING TO CARRY THROUGH FOUR PEOPLE

I'm not a hockey genius, but I have come up with a 3 step plan to help Canada breakout of the zone and possibly score a goal:

Step 1: Dump
Step 2: Chase
Step 3: Dig

Repeat as necessary

P.S. Quebec is actually proving their usefulness. Goaltending has been good.

Denmark is Dead to Me

2006-02-14T06:53:00.000-08:00

"Just How Many Different Kinds of Stupid Are You"
-Captain Lee Adama, Battlestar Galactica, Season 2 Episode 11

Free speech is great. I like free speech. It allows me to say this shit without getting put in jail. Or being shot by Dick Cheney. It's one of the rights I enjoy as a Canadian citizen. It's one of the rights I enjoy as a Taiwanese citizen. It is one of the rights that all human beings should be able to enjoy.

Free Speech is not something to defend blatant racism with.

For example:
"The damn Jews control the government, they're evil, they take all our work, and something must be done!" is not free speech. It's racism
"The pesky Asians have slitty eyes and small penises, but they take all our work, and somethign must be done!" is not free speech. It's racism.

I fail to see how a picture of "Mohammed" (really, a stereotypical depiction of a Brown dude) with a bomb around his turban is not racism. It is the exact equivalent of "Those Brown people with their silly turbans and suicide bombs. Something must be done!"

1) The Danish Newspaper who started this:

You're a bunch of fucking morons for commisioning people to draw the cartoons, you're bunch of fucking morons for publishing those cartoons, and you're a bunch of fucking morons for not apologizing for your racist shit. Slandering an entire race of people on the acts of a few is not free speech. It is not satire. It's bullshit.

2) The Danish Government:

Don't give me this "we can't apologize because we're not in charge of the paper" garbage. What you say is this:

"We're sorry that one of our publications published this racist and offensive material. The Danish Government and the Danish people would like to apologize to the Muslim and Arab World for the abhorrent slander on your race and your religion. These so-called "artists" do not represent the Danish people, and we will make sure this situation will be properly dealt with. Also, we will ensure that no more racist offensive cartoons will ever be published in Denmark again."

3) The Iranians:

I would be angry too... but as usual, they take it a little too far. Protests in the streets? I'd show up. A boycott of Danish goods? Nothing wrong with a little "economic sanctions". The Holocaust Cartoons? That takes it a little far. I also would not burn embassies and chant "Death to Denmark". Denmark is Dead to me anyway.

I can't remember where I saw this (probably the Daily Show), but these protestors really have trouble staying on-topic. For once, "Death to America" is not really relevent. I guess they're just used to it. It's like that Simpson's episode where Lisa does something wrong and Homer reflexively yells at Bart.

I'm An Idiot

2006-02-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

Apparently, when you order train tickets for "5:40", they meant 5:40 AM.

I'm a 24 hour guy too. I can't believe I did something so stupid.

Yikes

Despite What I'm Telling Them, They're Not Putting the Phone Down

2006-01-23T03:45:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Crisp for Marte and Mota is still going down. Damn.

(Oh, this deal is contingent on Cleveland getting Michaels from Philly for RELIEVERS, so there's plenty of snark potential/Ed Wade Middle Relief/Ugie Urbina stabbing jokes)

Here's what I said about Crisp:

Coco Crisp would make me very happy. From all accounts, the man put up a +47 UZR at LF last year, and was originally a CF when he started out. (Apparently they moved him to LF because they like Sizemore at CF better). He can hit, and has decent power. His walkrate isn't as good as I'd like it to be, but he can hit doubles.

Here's Coco Crisp's numbers from the last couple of seasons:
.297/.344/.446
.300/.345/.465

Not exactly a terrific discipline guy (a BA heavy OBP), but his SLG is pretty good, and his EXB numbers are fantastic. He also has excellent speed on the basepaths. Oh, Jacob's was a pitcher's park.

I stand by that assesment. Also... wrt to that last poing with moving from Jacobs to Fenway...

From Therapy...

And here's much happier news. SG has superimposed Coco's home hit chart on Fenway's confines. By my count, that's 12 2B and 9 FO turned into HR. We're talking a 360/550 line for him. (Obviously, there are numerous other factors to consider.)

That's not bad news.

I really couldn't give a rats ass about Guillermo Mota. Totally crude analysis btw... but I think he's cooked.

2002: 60.7 - 91 *ERA+
2003: 105 - 204 *ERA+
2004: 63 (LA)- 193 *ERA+
33.7 (FLA) - 85 *ERA+
2005: 67 - 85 *ERA+

I know this is ridiculously bad analysis. I haven't even looked at his peripherals, GB/FB rate, or ANYTHING along those lines (I'm not at home... i'm on somebody else's computer, when I get back I'll at least take a more detailed look)...

but c'mon... that 2003 + 2004 workload, combined with a 2005 collapse (AFTER moving to Florida? Chavez Ravine was good for pitchers. Marlin Stadium is damn good for pitchers)?

COOKED ARM FOLKS

So I really don't give a shit about him.

I'm still upset about giving up Marte though. I mean, he COULD be krap (Atlanta did trade him, and anybody Schulerholtz trades automatically becomes krap), but he's probably the best bat in the Red Sox system, and it would be a shame to lose him.

Also, this probably means that Kevin Youkilis will definitely start at one of the corner IF spots, and hit at the bottom of the order. I actually don't care where he hits in the order, but as long as he gets 500 ABs (and gets near a .376 OBP which is his career MLB OBP) I will be happy. Crisp/Loretta at the top of the order should get on base and score runs.

Also, We might sign Alex Gonzalez to play SS

His career OBP is .291. In other words, he's a bloody out machine. His career slg is .391, which means he has a little pop, but suffered a massive drop of 23 to 5 Home Runs from 2004 to 2005. He MAY hit a little better moving to Fenway, but he's still a god damn out machine.

Still, we need defense, and according to UZR he was the best damn defensiev SS 2004. So at least he's good defensively. We need a little of that after the traumatic experience of 2005. If he doens't cost too much i could live with it, but there's gotta be a non out-machineesque shortstop out there.

My Roommate has a MICHAEL BOLTON CD

2006-01-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

I hope I don't get raped at night or something.

All I know now is that I have to be heterosexual for the both of us, which means I have to be TWICE as manly as I am now, and forego all activities that could POSSIBLY be feminine.

Can't watch chick flicks because I think the chick in it is hot, too ambiguous.

Can't drink Fanta, may be construed as non-heterosexual

Can't listen to my Alanis Morrissette CD's

Thanks a lot

Asshole

I'm definitely hurting the next cute furry defenseless animal I see.

I also need to run out and buy a gun. Something with a large calibre round and a long barrel.

Julian Taverez needs a Shiny New Hat

2006-01-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

Sox sign Julian Tavarez to a 2 year deal

He doesn't suck

Julian Tavarez is not a bad bullpen pitcher. 3.X milion is not small change, but that's Mike Timlin range, and he gives you Mike Timlin innings, plus he's only 32,
which means he's less likely to collapse.

Tavarez has got good peripherals, except his homer-happiness last year. He's had a very productive last 3 years in St. Louis, and hopefully he can keep his hat clean and contribute here. He can give you quality 65 innings in a season, and the Sox need that with the bullpen mess we've got.

Oh...

Money is now officially worthless/

Well, this made my day.

2006-01-04T02:35:00.000-08:00

PUT DOWN THE PHONE, Part II

2006-01-01T08:45:00.000-08:00

I read this rumour today on Primer that really set me off. Here's the rumoured deal:

Mets: Manny Ramirez
Red Sox: Miguel Tejada and Joey Gathright
Orioles: Julio Lugo、Matt Clement Maybe Kris Benson
Devil Rays: Andy Marte、Aaron Heilman、Jae Seo and Kaz Matsui

Hey you, yeah you, the heterosexual life partners...

PUT DOWN THE GOD DAMN PHONE.

Manny for Tejada is a great deal. A great hitting "poor" defending LF with lots of money left has a lot less value than a Tejada, a good fielding good hitting SS. We'd have to find two OF's with a deal like that, but it's a plus for the Sox... should save a great deal of runs (if we get a league average LF w/ decent hitting to replace Manny)

Manny and Clement is an OK deal. Clement actually still has pretty good value, despite his troubles last year (the thing is, he wasn't THAT bad, he had some control problems, got beaned, has that ugly goatee, and the bullpen coughed up a lot of his runs)... I'd still consider this OK for us because we lose A LOT of salary in this deal.

But this deal? We give up Marte to get GATHRIGHT? JOEY GATHRIGHT? JOEY GATHRIGHT of the .650 OPS?

Thanks but no thanks.

A little lopsided for the Devil Rays don't you think?

For Lugo, a pretty decent hitting SS, and Gathright, a Nohit McFieldwell, and pick up the last year of KazMat's salary, they get TWO useful young cheap pitchers AND an A prospect in Marte? Yeah, like that's happening.

Anyhoo... there's also a rumour going on that we signed JT Snow. He's a good defensive 1B, but hopefully he won't do anything except be a defensive caddy at 1B, because we do NOT need some geriatric to take away Youkilis's PAs.

PUT DOWN THE PHONE

2005-12-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

No, this not about 24.

Apparently, the Mariners want Jon Lester or Johnny Papelbon in a trade for Jeremy Reed.

If you refer to my previous post, it said that I liked Jeremy Reed as a possible Johnny Damon replacement. Well, not at this price. Not for Lester nor Papelbon. Our farm just lost two prospects when we traded for Beckett, so we can't afford to give up Jon Lester for a "maybe" like Jeremy Reed. Of course, Jon Lester isnt' a sure thing either, but homegrown hardthrowing lefties that win AA pitchers of the year don't come often.

I previously liked Jeremy Reed because he was only gonna cost us Matt "shitty goatee and shitty control" Clement, or Brandon "shitty hair, shitty music, and shittier peripherals" Arroyo to get him. Apparently now they want Jon Lester or Jon Papelbon.

I will say this one final time: Unless I see a Peavy/Buherle/Pujols/Santana/Zambrano/Oswalt/Wright/Cabrera/Dunn/Berkman/Harden come back, I will not endorse a Papelbon trade. Oh, and it's Johan, Carlos, David, and Miguel, so dont' get any funky ideas about the shitty version of the players mentioned.

We still need a name for Papelbon. My previous Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasm Related nicknames have been rejected with much fervor, so we gotta find this guy a nickname. Little Papi is lame.

The newest scuttlebutt I've heard is Coco Crisp for one of the aforementioned shitty starters. (Clement isn't that bad, but he's got a goatee, and goatees are faggoty.)

Coco Crisp would make me very happy. From all accounts, the man put up a +47 UZR at LF last year, and was originally a CF when he started out. (Apparently they moved him to LF because they like Sizemore at CF better). He can hit, and has decent power. His walkrate isn't as good as I'd like it to be, but he can hit doubles.

Here's Coco Crisp's numbers from the last couple of seasons:
.297/.344/.446
.300/.345/.465

Not exactly a terrific discipline guy (a BA heavy OBP), but his SLG is pretty good, and his EXB numbers are fantastic. He also has excellent speed on the basepaths. Oh, Jacob's was a pitcher's park.

If we can get him for a shitty starter (or David Wells, who's not shitty but is old and dirty), I'd be extremely happy. Unfortunately, Mark Shapiro isn't an idiot, and I heard he wants Marte. While a net trade of Renteria for Crisp sounds great, I'd still be pissed if Marte left. I think he'd be an excellent piece of the Red Sox future. If we got Crisp for Marte, it would be a 2 on the "Put down the phone" scale of trade anger.

Edit: I CANNOT believe I forgot to mention the fact that Coco Crisp is quite possibly THE COOLEST BASEBALL NAME EVER. Coco Crisp would probably beat former pitching coach Dick Pole in greatest baseball name ever. It might be cool enough to make Manny want to stay.

Joey Gathright is another name I've heard thrown around. Not much here, classic Nohit McFieldwell CF. I could LIVE with it if he came here and we stuck him in the 9th spot, but we could do better.

Final Note: The PDTP Scale of Transaction Anger
1-2: Please think about what you're doing, weight the pros and cons, and then gently put down the phone - Marte for Crisp - A trade in which we're giving up valuable youth, but the player in return is still young, fairly good, and fills a hole.

3-5: Put down the phone - Manny Ramirez and money for Lasting Milledge (Or other highly rated prospect with no impact player coming back) - A trade in which we're getting poor value, but we do receive useful parts back, cut salary, but downgrade for the present.

6-8: PUT DOWN THE PHONE - Papelbon for anything not previously named, Kevin Millar brought back, signing some other useless geriatric to take away Kevin Youkilis's AB's, etc - Basically anything that doesn't make us any better and negatively impacts the future of the franchise.

8-10: PUT DOWN THE PHONE OR I WILL DESTROY YOU AND YOUR CIVIL UNIONSHIP - Manny Ramirez for Steve Finley, Jon Papelbon for Steve Finley, bringing in Darin Erstad to play at 1B everyday and paying his salary, etc. - Please refer to the THE KAZMIR TRADE

Jesus, Judas, or Fellow Yellow Cashing Out?

2005-12-21T05:35:00.000-08:00

Johnny Damon, Centerfielder of our 2004 World Series Champion Boston Red Sox, signed a contract worht 52mil/4yrs today with the New York Yankees. Reactions have been mixed at best, ranging from "BOOYAH SUCK IT" to "OMFG WTF ARE WE DOING" from Yankee fans, and "Thanks for the memories, we wish him well" to "THAT FUCKING GREEDY TRATIOR" from Red Sox fans. Needless to say, there's a lot of irrational baseball fans out there.

The Boston Red Sox offered 40 million dollars over 4 years. So basically the Yankees gave him 12 extra million dollars. Obviously this deal improves the Yankees and weakens the Red Sox, as we just lost a good bat + great baserunner at a "right-side-defensive-spectrum" position, and no matter what you think of Johnny Damon's defense (The Metrics/The Scouting is mixed for this one), he had to be better than Bernie Williams last year. So from the Yankees point of view, this deal was worthwhile NOW, but in 2008 and 2009, this could get real ugly, real fast, as his speed deteriorates, his arm remains teh suck, and he becomes a 330/390 hitter and having to be moved to LF. The possibility of this consoles me with the loss of Damon for next year.

For the Red Sox, we gotta find a CF. My heterosexual man-love for Aaron Rowand is well-documented, but he is highly unlikely to be available. My OTHER heterosexual man-love OF, Ichiro!, is probably not going to be available to be traded with even with Manny as a trade chit.

The scuttlebutt around Primer is Clement/Arroyo for Jeremy Reed of Seattle, and that is a deal I could live with. Clement/Arroyo were both good in 2004 but stunk up in 2005. Clement has a shitload of money left on his contract for the next 2 years, and Arroyo is in his last "service year" with us and he likely will cost a lot after arbitration. With our surplus of krappy starters, one of them should be available.

Jeremy Reed is an intriguing player. He's put up a line of .269/.338/.364/.702 in 610 PAs in the majors (at SAFECO), which is non-inspiring to say the least, but his minor league stats are very encouraging. He hit .327/.401/.478/.879 in 1183 AB's in the minors, which is very good for a centre fielder. His K/BB ratio is just over one in the majors and UNDER ONE in the minors, which means he's not a hacktastic douchebag at the plate, which is also encouraging. His defense is supposed to be excellent, and I'll take the "public word" for this one.

Dave Roberts is another guy I like. Now Kevin Towers has said that Roberts will start at LF for San Diego and hit leadoff, with Mike Cameron on the team I highly doubt that will happen. Roberts is a good CF, can get on base, is a great baserunner, and will most likely calm the public relation shitstorm that is the Boston Media right now. *Braces himself for some piece of shit "column" written by Curly Haired Boyfriend regarding Damon's departure*

As for Damon, thanks for the memories (ALCS Game 7 WHAT!), but hey, for a extra 13 million dollars, I'd sell out too. I do hope he stinks up the joint, and CAN'T HANDLE THE NEW YORK PRESSURE *TM, but I always love to see a fellow yellow man get rich off some bastard cracker doling out money. Damon would have to cut his hair and trim his beard, but this will only mean more "SHAVE THOSE SIDEBURNS MATTINGLY" references on internet message boards when Damon starts selling Overnight Shipping, Donus, and Office Supplies, so it really doesn't affect me.

Between Matsui, Damon, and Wang, Steinbrenner will be giving them a total of 13 million for Matsui + 6.5 million for Half-Damon (because he's only half-Asian), and a significant raise over the 300k league minimum for Wang. This from a man that called Japanese Pitcher Hideki Irabu FAT. The 20 million dollars between the 3 of them is what I refer to as The Curse of the Fat Asian Guy, especially when Matsui and Damon are useless by 2008, and when Wang is traded for some overpaid star player past his prime.

For the Sox fans that think Damon is a "sellout" or a "traitor" or "Judas", wouldn't you sell out for an extra 12 million dollars? I sure the fuck would. And do console yourselves in the fact that Damon will be useless in 2008. Hell, he may be Operation Alan Embree: Revenge of the Ramiro Mendoza Part III (Part II is the part next year where down the stretch Mike Myers comes in to pitch against Ortiz and gets fucked in the ass). Also, if he hits leadoff for the Yankees, Jeter will sac bunt a lot.

Fellow Sox fans, if you're still angry...

Kevin Millar is still gone.

Oh, last thing: Michelle Damon >>>>>>>> Anna Benson

I Finally Understand Why Women Get So Angry Every 28 Days.

2005-12-12T06:41:00.000-08:00

I now finally understand why women get so angry every 28 days.

Our pathology exams are just like menstruation cycles... once every 28 days!

When it's on time it's a bloody mess...

When it's not on time, the shit hits the fan.

You think I'm irritable and pissed off?

What the fuck do you want?

I've slept 4 hours since Sunday Morning

I got one out of six pathology slides correct.

My estrogen level is at a low.

Bite me asshole

The Grace Lee Project

2005-12-07T10:03:00.000-08:00

I really want to see this movie....

www.gracelee.net

Sounds interesting

When Korean American filmmaker Grace Lee was growing up in Missouri, she was the only Grace Lee she knew. Once she left the Midwest however, everyone she met seemed to know "another Grace Lee." But why did they assume that all Grace Lees were reserved, dutiful, piano-playing overachievers? The filmmaker plunges into a highly unscientific investigation into all those Grace Lees who break the mold -- from a fiery social activist to a rebel who tried to burn down her high school. With wit and charm, THE GRACE LEE PROJECT puts a hilarious spin on the eternal question, "What's in a name?"

Time to Enlist the Help of My Fellow Vancouverites

2005-12-05T23:45:00.000-08:00

OK I hate being known personally on the internet and not knowing who I'm talking to.

I recently signed up at www.vanwhitenoise.com... pissed off some dude after I said the Richmond RCMp was racist.

Anyhooo.... here's the deal:

TWo people on the board said they know me. And I can't figure out who they are. It's annoying.

Poster #1: Fred

Female

Knows a lot about our class. Gave her a list of 25 people, claimed to know all of them, gave decent details about most of them... here's how I'm sure she definitely knows us well:

When I asked who on the list were of the people of David, promptly picked out the 3. Said she went to Tara and Leah's Bar Mitzvahs. So this should tell us.

Goes to UBC

May have gone to General Gordon

Poster #2: Cassio

Female

Friends with Fred.

Doesn't know me that well... but I was sure she knew who I was when i asked her about me. Knew that Liang regularly pwned me, knew that I beefed with Bobek...

Apparently took writing 12.

Supposedly I was hostile to. Who was i NOT hostile to?

I got nothin'

I'm pissed that people know who I am adn i have no idea who i'm talking too.

Very teh annoying.

It's not me, it's my ovaries

2005-11-29T06:05:00.000-08:00

Intersting Conversation Today:

老峻: Tony, 你最近很不耐凡，脾氣很差，很暴躁，感覺像個不定時炸彈一樣. 而且一直抱怨在那邊碎碎念.
(Tony, you're really irritable these days, you know, bad temper, like a ticking time bomb. And you bitch about everything and anything)

Tony: 他媽的我很愛抱怨是很正常的啊. 你認識我多久了.
(So? I always bitch and whine. How long have you known me?)

老峻: 不是，你以前抱怨是有主題的. 比較有組織... 都會為那一樣事情抱怨. 你現在是遇到什麼抱怨什麼. 遇到紅綠燈說幹都遇到紅燈，餐廳東西來的慢也要靠北...
(No no no... before your bitching had a central theme. It was more organized... you'd bitch constantly about one thing in particular. Now it's "something comes up, you bitch about it." We hit a red light you bitch about a red light, we wait for an order and you bitch about the order.

Tony: 我脾氣有差嗎?
(I have a bad temper?)

老峻: 有...昨天打球的時候感覺你要爆發了
(C'mon, you almost blew up when we played b-bal yesterday)

Tony: 我看是經痛吧
(I don't know... probably menstrual pains)

老峻: 幹經痛是一個月一次. 你這個都chronic了.
(Fuck, that shit comes once a month. This is becoming chronic.)

My Big Insano Red Sox Off-season Plan, 2005 Edition, Part III

2005-11-20T03:09:00.000-08:00

Here's the final installment of the 3-part miniseries if you will. The support/constructive feedback I've been getting from Therapy is greatly appreciated.

The Position Players:

C: Jason Varitek
Doug Mirabelli
Kelly Shoppach

We have a fine catching tandem to say the least. Jason Varitek hit an awesome 125 *OPS+ as a catcher last year in 539 PA's, and was well worth the 10 million dollars we paid him last year. Whether he'll continue to be worth the 10 million dollars a year for the next 3 years, I have no clue. We all know catchers don't age gracefully, but Jason Varitek is a damn good catcher right now. He looked pretty tired at the end of the year though. He also won a gold glove in which he did not deserve. He's about league average in terms of catcher defense (according to UZR). HOwever, for a catcher he has provided great offense. In general, if he keeps his play up, I'll be very happy to have him around. If he starts aging... let's hope Shoppach is ready

Doug Mirabelli is a good backup catcher. He'll be on the last year of his 1.5mil/yr deal next season. He hit for 89 *OPS+ last year in a backup role, primarily starting when Wake is pitching. He'll probably retire/leave after this season, but again, he's a good backup catcher, and I'm glad he's here next year.

Kelly Shoppach had 16 PA's last year in the majors. He made15 outs. However, he hit pretty well in the minors last year. I hope we don't trade him, because we'll definitly need him around as an insurance policy shoudl one of our 2 veteran catcher hurt themselves, and I think he'll be the backup for good once Mirabelli leaves next year. He's good defensively and will take a walk. His lack of contact... who cares. He walks. He should start the next year in the minors, but probably get a few callups here and there.

1B:

KEVIN MILLAR IS GONE

KEVIN MILLAR IS GONE

KEVIN MILLAR IS GONE

I FEEL LIKE I'M OVERDOSING ON ECSTASY, BUT WITHOUT THE "WOW THE LEATHER IS SO SMOOTH" EFFECT

FREEDOM FOR US ALL!!!

Speaking of freedom, I don't think Roberto Petagine is the answer for the Red Sox. He's teh suck defensively, and we have enough lefty bats already. Here's what I propose the Sox do for 1B:

1. Bring back John Olderdude.
The man can still contribute. He hit .289/.344/.451 for a 109 *OPS+ last year in 192 PAs, and despite losing a lot of his range has probably the best hands at 1B. Bring him back next year as a defensive sub who can start should something happen to our starting 1B. I expect his power to regress even more next season, but he shoudl still be able to get on base, but his glove is pretty valuable IMO.

2. Find a RHB slugger at 1B.
My answer: Troy Glaus

Troy Glaus is EXACTLY what the Red Sox need: A power RHB bat at a corner IF position. Glaus should be moved to first because:
a) He was totally tehh suck last year at 3B… I mean, UZR totally ravaged him
b) He was completely healthy last year, but he’s had injury trouble in the past. 1B is less demanding than 3B

Here’s what he hit last year:
.258/.363/.522 = 125 *OPS+
In comparison to KFF:
.272/.355/.399 = 100 *OPS+

There are more reasons I think Glaus would be a good fit for the Sox:
1) his high price tag would make his cost in trade assets less
2) he’s blocking people left and right in Arizona (Conor Jackson and Chad Tracy, Tony Clark will be the backup veteran)
3) Oh F!@# right they hired a new GM who’s not stupid. Damn.

Anyhoo… I hear Diamondback fans want two of Lester/Sanchez/Shoppach. That’s just f’ing ridiculous. Glaus has like 25 million dollars left on his deal, so simply he’s NOT THAT TRADABLE. He’s a good player with question marks.

Here’s what I propose:
Glaus and like 3million dollars for Sanchez, Delcarmen, and Cora.
Delcarmen has value despite his control problems. Lively young arms are still worth stuff in the MLB
Cora is a very good defensive middle IF. And I hear Royce Clayton is leaving the D-backs next year. They can retool the C & C Out Factory by replacing Clayton with Cora! (In all seriousness, Craig Counsell is a damn good player, and he was f’ing jobbed last year out of a GG)

2B:
Bring back Tony Graffanino on a 1 year deal. Graff hit a .309/.366/.425 last year, and for a 2B, that’s a plus bat. He was also pretty good defensively last year. We have Pedoria/Petunia in the minors, so we’ll need Graff around for 1 maybe 2 more years. As for the backup 2B… Because I traded Cora in the last bit, Machado will be the backup 2B. He can handle it defensively, pretty good footspeed… that’s all that matters.

SS:
We’re pretty much stuck with Renteria. He hit .276/.335/.385 last year, pretty much inline with his career. I wish he hit a little better, but I can live with those numbers. What I can’t live with was how ASS HE WAS DEFENSIVELY LAST YEAR. HE WAS FUCKING ASS IN THE FIELD. FOR 10 FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS YOU’D THINK WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN A GUY THAT COULD THROW TO FIRST BASE. We have HRam in the minors coming up… could be used as trade bait, I’d much rather keep him, because we really could use all the toolsy prospects we can get. Backup: again, Machado

3B:
Kevin Youkilis will FINALLY take over at 3B next year. In the past 2 years, he has hit .265/.376/.411 in 343 PA’s in the majors. He’s also a decent 3rd baseman. I’m looking forward to Youk starting fulltime next year.

Bill Mueller filed for free agency, and he’s actually one player I’d really miss. We got some big hits and good years out of Bill, and he makes Mariano Rivera his prison bitch. It’s unfortunate that he’s old and declining and with wonky knees, because the guy is still a pretty decent switch-hitter.

I say the Red Sox put out a 1 year contract on the table with a slight pay cut and honestly tell him that we’d like to keep him around as a platoon/bench role. He COULD and should be starting elsewhere, but we should at least TRY to keep him. With Bill Mueller around, we could start him only against RHP at Home (and get pretty awesome numbers out of him), and the rest of the time keep him on the bench as the backup 3B and a valuable switch-hitting bat on the bench. He could also fill in at 2B should the situation get desperate. The point is that for his price tag, he could STILL HELP US A GREAT DEAL.

DH:
Big Papi is da man.

LF:
Keep Manny Ramirez. This is getting stupid. You can’t find anybody to replace Manny’s bat in the Red Sox bat this offseaon. You just cannot. His defense and baserunning is tehh total suck, but we need to keep his RIGHT HANDED bat in the lineup. Keep Manny, but find a good defensive sub/pinch runner.

CF:
I like Johnny Damon. I hate Scott Boras. Anything beyond a 3 year deal for a CF over 30 is stupid. That’s all I gotta say about this.

Should we have to replace him:
Fat Fuck wants out of town eh? Wants to go back to San Diego?

Hey Towers… Flip us Dave Roberts for Fat fuck! We DEFINITELY need this guy back in town.
1) We need a leadoff man/speedy defensive CF should Damon leave town.
2) Should Damon not leave town Dave Roberts can pinch run/defensive sub for Manny
3) He could pinch run for ANYBODY.

Plus, he serves us the added advantage of being leverage against Boras/Johnny Damon/Michelle Damon. I’m pretty sure there would be ZERO fan backlash should Dave Roberts start at CF instead of Johnny Damon next year. Scotty can’t use the “Clutch World Series winner” thing against the Sox as leverage, because our insurance backup plan IS the Clutch Playoff Hero.

RF:
Trot Nixon was decent last year at the plate. He would have been better at the plate had he not died after the all-star break. He had surgery in the offseason, so his defense should improve (hopefully it’ll help his hitting too). However, if I see him get more than 50 AB’s against lefties next year I’ll have an aneurysm. We need a platoon partner for Trot. It’s that simple. Gabby is gone, and he actually wasn’t good enough. Jay Payton was a bust last year. I think the Trot Platoon Partner Problem will become a bigger issue for the Red Sox next year, despite the Manny/Krappy Starting Pitching/Krappy Bullpen/Larry Lucchino Douchebag of Liberty/CHB issues already surround the team

My Big Insano Red Sox Off-season Plan, 2005 Edition, Part II

2005-11-13T03:44:00.000-08:00

I'm incredibly grateful for the amount of constructive feedback and discussion I received on Therapy. Now for some feedback before part II:

What's more, I don't see much reason to think Foulke won't rebound to something like previous levels. He was great for 5 years, and has had surgery to fix his injury. Under your plan, I would use Ryan and him as the ace relievers and Timlin as the "closer-outer." That way, Timlin almost always comes in with no one on.

I actually tried using CFBPS do predict Keith Foulke's performance, but just couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. No matter how much optimism I tried to put in, I just couldn't forsee the fat cracker drunk rebounding to his 2004 Deity-like levels and leading us to another World Series. Or getting out of a 2 runners on 1 out jam in the 8th inning without giving up a run. Can't do it. Can't do it can't do it can't do it.

Call it an irrationality on velocity, but a guy who threw 89mph TOPS getting injured and possibly losing a couple of miles coupled with the fact he only had one good outpitch that requires pinpoint control and a velocity difference from the fastball?

I hope he becomes great. But right now I can only forsee "decent" as the best possibly scenario.

As to whether you keep Bradford, I'd say it's either him or Myers. You can afford to have 1 guy on the staff throwing 45 IP, but not 2 of them. I vote to keep Bradford and ditch Myers.

I like Myers better because he's a lefty. I'd say we keep both, because Bradford is more than capable of pitching 60IP

Then promise him (Ryan) the closer's job. And tell him to go #### himself* as soon as the ink dries. He belongs to a union that collectively bargained a contract which does not allow players to decide where they play or when they are used.

I had thought of this too, but then BJ Ryan is probably not the last FA I'd like the Sox to sign ever again.

Yoshinoya for a sandwich/burger joint is a terrible trade.

I wouldn't trade the Yoshinoya joint for Johan Santana. If any of you Therapudians ever run into John Henry, lobby hard for a Yoshinoya joint in Fenway. Baseball is good. Baseball and beefdon? Probably better than the awkward sympathy sex I'll end up having with a female friend when I'm 35.

Anyhoo... Here's the next bit:

The Rotation

Starter #1: Curt Schilling

Curt had a rough year last year. He sucked as the starter and he blew (blown?) as the closer. The peripherals weren't actually "that" bad last year (4:1 k/bb rate), but the dinger rate was pretty high... over 1 dinger per 9 innings. The hit rate also went through the roof.

I think Curt'll be better next year. He'll be better from the bloody sock injury, and he wants to make the HOF, so he'll probably still pitch another two years.

A lot of people don't like Curt, and I can understand that. He talks a bit too much. He may be a douche, but he's OUR douche. We love him, and he'll be our ace for the next 2 years.

Starter #2: Matt Clement

For the first time in his career, Matt Clement did not suck because he was walking people left and right or because balls were leaving the yard at Milton-esque rates. He sucked because his strikeout rate dropped significantly. That's what happened. He couldn't strike anybody out.

Also, he stunk up the joint in the second half. I don't know why. I'm not a pitching coach, I don't know. I can only provide unscientific speculation and uneducated bullshit, and my bullshit excuse is that he was overworked in the first half. Make sure he doesn't get overworked in the first half? Keep extra attention to make sure his mechanics don't go funny?

I don't know.

Probably the goatee

Edit: There's plenty of speculation that the beaning caused his suckage.

Starter #3: Brandon Arroyo

Oh I'm sorry, [/Tim McCarver]

Anyhoo...
2005 Bronson Arroyo:
205IP
100K
54BB
22HR

I don't know what sucked more, his music, his pitching or his shitty-ass haircut.

Starter #4: Spot in which needs filling

Since the Fat Fuck Cracker SOB wants to leave town, we'll need somebody to fill this spot. He pitched 180 IP last year at 99 *ERA+.

Easy to replace you say? I just looked at the 2006 FA list.

1. We shoudln't be paying 100 gabillion dollars a year for AJ Burnett. The guy's had TWO years worth the money, which was 2005 and 2002. All his other years he's been hurt. "Young" (28 already) pitcher with velocity and chronic injury problems? Yeah, we TOTALLY should give that guy a 40 million dollar contract. I mean, Carl Pavano, living the high life!

2. Kevin Millwood: 31 years old. Coming off a huge career bounceback season. His agent is Scott Boras. Next

3. Paul Byrd: I don't know, I just flipped thorugh his stats, I'm starting to like this guy. I know, 35 year old righty soft tosser, but he's been pretty good his career. For 5 million dollars he did give the Angels 200 IP of 112 *ERA+ ball last year, something the Red Sox last year couldn't get if they had the love child of Walter Johnson and Bob Gibson. We should take a look at this guy, see how much he wants, I don't know.

4. Jarrod Washburn: Lefty coming off a really good 131 *ERA+ season, but with a K/BB ratio of less than 2? Coming from the Angels with a really good defense behind him? Been krappy for 2 years before that, but has a reputation of being a "winner" with the 2002 WS Winners? Next Scott Boras (+)

5. Kenny Rogers: 41 years old. Would be in jail if he were a minority. Next

6. Jamie Moyer: threw 200 IP's of league average ball last year. Ancient lefty soft tosser that never walks people. I love this guy already. (I've always been a big Moyer fan. He was absolutely teh suck in 2004, but was really good for a long stretch before that.) May be worth a flier, not sure.

7. Vincente Padilla: 100K/74BB's? 96 *ERA+ in less than 200 innings? but is "talented" enough to get big money on the open market? Next

8. Tom Glavine:
Lefty soft tosser that doesn't walk people?? Sign me up. His future hall of fame status might drive his cost up though. Still a good starter but not what he was used to be. The K's just have disappeared over the years, but the fact that he cut his dinger rate dramatically last year actually make me really high on this guy.

9. Esteban Loaiza: On and off, on and off. Incredibly inconsistent. We dont' win the 2004 World Series without him. He'll want big money after a decent year last year. With our luck if we sign him he'll DEFINITELY bust. next.

10. Matt Morris: good track record, good 2005 with a shitty 2004, injury problems, want big money... this is becoming a recurring theme.

11. Jeff Suppan: been tehre, done that, and again, another guy whom we owe the 2004 World Series too.

12. Mark Redman: Actually has an option with the Pirates. He's not that good anyway. next.

13. Jeff Weaver: Not actually that good, Scott Boras client.. another recurring theme eh?

14. Byun-Hyun Kim: Make your own witty comments. I've stopped trying.

Starter #5: Tim Wakefield

I think a pitching staff sucks when the best pitcher is a 40 year old knuckleballerr. I love Wake, I love him in the 5th spot, but if he's the best starter on our team, there's trouble.

My Big Insano Red Sox Off-season Plan, 2005 Edition, Part I

2005-11-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

I did it last year... I'm doing it again this year.

The Red Sox are still a good team despite being swept by the White Sox. We also have some problems we need to fix.

Part I: The Bullpen

The bullpen really hinges on 2 things:
1) The acquisition of the "relief ace".
2) The fixing of Keith Foulke.

If both those things can be done, the bullpen will become deadly.

I have a "modified" line on bullpen usage. Yes, I believe the best bullpen pitcher should be brought on in the 7th and 8th innigns to clean up messes, but I also think they dont' necessarily need to "finish" the game in the 9th inning, instead bringing up a less good but still competent enough pitcher. I also believe that the relief ace is to be "pampered" with if you will, avoiding overwork and pitching too many consecutive days. Hard to find Marshalls and Quisenberrys these days.

Without further ado...

Step 1: The Acquisition of BJ Ryan

I don't know how much money he's looking for, but I'd offer him something along the lines of 19 million over 3 years. For the traditionalists, this is a big lefty with a live fastball. For the stats folk, this is a lefty with a super K-rate.

This guy can turn the pen around for us folks.

Of course, there's a few problems:
1) Eveyrbody else will be bidding for him
2) According to some sources (Mike Emiegh of Primer), BJ won't want to go anywhere he won't get to close. Which I don't want him to do here because it's a waste of talent. But if he wants to go to NYY, he DEFINITLY won't get to close THERE, so I think if the money is right the role won't be an issue.

BJ Ryan: Bullpen Relief Ace 2005: 85 IP's of 140 *ERA+ with a K rate over 9. Sounds jolly.

Step 2: FIX KEITH FOULKE

The man won us the World Series in 2004 Folks. That and his refusal to undergo surgery in the offseason last year probably caused his total teh suckage last year. He needs to be fixed.

I actually have no idea how to do this, but he needs to be healthy first, then we can start working on his pitching. Supposedly he tried like 16 different release points last year, and he tried to throw a krappy slider...

Stop drinking and fix yoruself Keith! We're payign you 8 million dollars!

The role of Keith Foulke: the "traditional" 9th inning closer. If he can fix himself, he still probably won't be the "old" Keith Foulke, but if he can finish a game by getting 3 outs with nobody on base with an *ERA+ of in the 115-130's... he could be a valuable pitcher again. 65 IP's of 120's *ERA+ from Keith would be excellent.

Step 3: Keep Little Papi in the Pen

Here's what Sox Therapy Had to say:

Papelbon has only been pitching for a few years and the majority of his pitching experience has been as a reliever. His brief stint as a starter last year was pretty rocky, and it appears that his secondary pitches may not be reliable enough for him to be a consistently good SP. Add to this the fact that he has never thrown more than ~150 IP in any season. All of these factors add up to Pap, in my mind, being much more likely to succeed as a reliever than a starter. My WAG would be 80-90 IP, 3.50 ERA as a reliever, 150-170 IP, 4.30 ERA as a starter. That’s either a horse in the pen or a starter who overtaxes the pen.

Yeah, what they said. Keep him in the pen. Make him the #2 Relife Ace Option behind Ryan.

We still need a nickname for him, and they won't let me call him the Papsmear. Maybe the Papilloma? That's like a DISEASE! A DISEASE UPON HITTERS!!

Step 4: Bring Back Mike Myers

I mean, I could probably get a hit off of this guy, but the man kills left handers, and has done it for his entire life. He had a really good year last year actually (but with only 37IP). Bring him back I say. I know my fellow stat folk don't necessarily believe in the LaRussa LOOGY, but the guy is a GOOD LOOGY. He can get lefties out. It's not like he's one of those Run Fairy types wherre he can't get ANYBODY out.

Step 5: Never Let Mike Timlin Come On Inherting Runners

He re-upped at 3.5 mil a year I think. He had a good year last year, kept the walks down, kept the ball in the park, and was a workhorse again. That being said, he coudln't keep an inherited runner from scoring to save his life.

He's a good pitcher. I have no problems with him pitching in the late innings. Won't give the other taem freebies. But please, he's not a relief ace. He doens't strike out enough batters to do this. I say his role on the team should be pitching middle relief. You know, start the 7th, start the 6th, maybe start the 8th, but DON'T PUT HIM ON WITH INHERITED RUNNERS.

Step 6: I actually don't know what to do with Chad Bradford

I like the guy, he's still pretty effective, but he's had some minor injury tweaks, and only pitched 23 IP's last year for the Sox (mid-season acquisition). He's not as good as he used to be, but again, I like what he does desipte the high hit rate. Keeps the ball in the park, doesn't walk folks. The thing is for this last bullpen spot we might need a long man that can occasionally start. Tried John Halama but failed miserably. I say we keep Chad for the time being and see what happens.

Step 7: keep Delcarmen and Hansen in the minors

Craig Hansen showed us he could be an effective major league reliever last year. but he definitly need some time in AAA. Drafted in June, majors the next year? No way no how. Give him a little more time, maybe he'll be ready by mid-season, I don't know.

Manny Delcarmen needs A LOT more work too. In 9 Innings he walked 7 guys. That krap in the majors will burn you. Showed some good strikeout potential. Back to the minors he goes.

I hate Asian people

2005-10-31T23:18:00.000-08:00

Again, I start with the day's minor beef, and then end with the major beef.

1. My first complaint of the day: beef.

THEY SHUT DOWN THE YOSHINOYA JOINT AT THE MED SCHOOL

For those that have never experienced the sweet heavenly orgasmic pleasure that is Yoshinoya, it is a bowl of rice topped with stir-fried beef and onions.

They're replacing it with a SANDWICH AND HAMBURGER joint.

There's nothing wrong with hamburger or sandwich. Except:
1) It's almost guarenteed to be ass
2) there's a MOS burger right beside it.

2. Theo Epstein was fired

Actually, this is a Cracker's fault, but thanks Lucchino and CHB for setting the Red Sox back for a decade.

3. Asian Medical Students

Motherfucking cliques.

More on that tomorrow

Actual Constructive Feedback!

2005-10-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

This is from the "Kitsilano Class of 2004" Post when I was trying to figure out who'd be destroying my house when we rented out our house to my cousin:

I'm a sibling that is on your list, but I won't say who and hopefully you can't figure it out. As for those three names with question marks, they're all right. Leah's brother is Jonothan. And Buster Kruse is the youngest, so there will be no more of them. Jordan Dalziel is nicer than Spencer, definitely. And that award that Vaughn received? It was for soccer, not for being "Hindu", which the award's namesake wasn't. I hardly think they need to "ETHNICALLY ALIGN" the awards. They don't reward you on your ethnicity or whatever, they reward you for what you DO.

Thanks for the Feedback. I really appreciate it. I appreciate enough to engage you honestly and respond to your comments.

I'm a sibling that is on your list, but I won't say who and hopefully you can't figure it out.

I respect your wish to remain anonymous, but it's a clear sign that this blog of mine blows, because its readers don't want to be associated with reading it. Not that I blame them.

And Buster Kruse is the youngest, so there will be no more of them.

I'd like to elaborate on this point. There will be no more:
1) of THIS generation
2) that we know about.

I'd hate to plot Keta's Family History on her Admission note that's for sure.

Jordan Dalziel is nicer than Spencer, definitely.

A one liner that's snappy witty and insulting would be too easy in this situation. A one liner that's snappy, witty, insulting, AND the added stipulation of a mandatory AVIAN FLU reference? THAT my friends, is a literary puzzle.

Here's mine:

Yeah, like how SARS would have caused less deaths than the impending avian flu pandemic.

Not my best work I know.

I challenge YOU to this endeavour. I'll be expecting the clever witty responses soon.

And that award that Vaughn received? It was for soccer, not for being "Hindu", which the award's namesake wasn't. I hardly think they need to "ETHNICALLY ALIGN" the awards. They don't reward you on your ethnicity or whatever, they reward you for what you DO.

I think i need to reclarify my stance a little. This was not in anyway a shot at the winners of these prizes. I know for a fact that Vaughn is an excellent soccer player, not to mention a fine upstanding citizen of the Hindu community. There is no way I would slander Vaughn, a symbol of moral strength of the Hindu people, with vicious lies and insults.

The ethnic aligning thing was semi-tongue-in-cheek. I just felt that if we were going to recognize excellence, which all the winners are, we should have done it so that excellence of ethnicities could be emphasized. You know, give the Hindu Soccer award to the best Hindu soccer player, recognize that guy for his part for making the Hindu Soccer Community proud, and give Vaughn the award for best Whitebread Soccer player or something.

(I know the soccer award isnt' Hindu... just using it as an example)

If there's going to be a "Jewish War veterans" award that awards say Academic Excellence, then they should find the most deserving Jewish kid to give it to. Not because that kid is Jewish, but because he/she deserves to be recognized as a fine upstanding member of the Jewish Community.

Point: Have awards that specially awards excellence for certain minority groups, and then have the rest of the awards be a free-for-all.

I know I'm being semi-hypocratic as I'm saying this because my money was given to me in the name of some Cracker, but that was because they HAD to give it to me beacuse I was smarter than all you White fuckers. Not that the competition was tough or anything. You know, Peter Stein, Pride of the Caucasian Race and all.

I live with a bunch of sad fuckers

2005-10-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

I really should be doing work, but this is a story I have to tell. It shows you what a pathetic place I'm living in with a bunch of sad fuckers.

Today we had pathology lab... a class that starts at 10 am, 2 hours after our pathology lecture, which I dont' attend because it's at 8 o'clock in the fucking morning.

I see my buddies gather at this one place... so I walk up and ask what the hell is going on. They were all waiting around for this girl to walk in because they had heard from somebody that she was wearing a MINI-SKIRT today.

Now, the girl they were talking about... um... nice girl. Like a pretty decent person that doesn't treat people like krap. She rates at 6.5 normally, 7 on a good day, 7.5 after a few beers. Not exactly replacement level, but nothing special either. But I stay around anyway because I assumed she whored herself up by Asian standards (i.e. normal dress for the rest of civilization, not counting the "stone-women-to-death-for-being-raped part) and I was really curious what her legs looked like.

She walks in the door.

She's wearing a skirt a couple of inches above her KNEES.

I almost slapped the motherfuckers that made me wait around.

Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Tony: Wait, that's SHORT? Then what the fuck is LONG? That Taliban-ass shit where women can't reveal anything except their eyes?
Buddies: Well, what about the clothing worn by your female friends at home?
Tony: 妳是LG比雞腿是不是?

I had to use Chinese for the last quote because 1) the Taiwanese readers would find it funny 2) I'd get to explain local dialect to the rest of you.

What i said translated word by word - Are you comparing a penis to a chicken leg?

The phrase is actually an analogy pointing out the ridiculousness of comparisons. Some examples would be:
Comparing my money to Bill Gate's money
Comparing my accomplishments to Einstein's accomplishments
Comparing Peter Stein's intelligence to the intelligence of a genetically-defective gerbil

You know, because a penis is dramatically smaller than a chicken leg, thus making the comparison stupid? (African-Americans need not apply)

What a sad pathetic World I live in, where Asian Males are being deprived of the opportunity of staring at scantily-clad females who happen to be their friends.

I will never say a foul word about my female colleagues at Kitsilano ever again. Well, at least about the manner of their attire.

Yale is Fucking Racist

2005-10-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

Chinese Students suing Yale over discrimination

NEW HAVEN, Conn. -- Graduate student teachers and researchers filed a complaint Thursday accusing Yale University of a pattern of discrimination against Chinese students.

The complaint _ organized by a group trying to unionize graduate students _ contends that Chinese students have been singled out for bad grades.
Year after year, Chinese graduate students in engineering face expulsion and are called upon to defend their academic standing," Cong Huang, president of the Association of Chinese Students and Scholars at Yale, wrote in a letter to Yale administrators. "We have no hard data, but know for sure that every year someone fights a very trying and high-stakes battle.

"If we lose, we not only lose our place in our department, our careers, our visas, but also our dignity and we are forced to leave the country."

Xuemei Han, who works and studies in the ecology and evolutionary biology department, said administrators told her they were stripping her of funding and she must leave the university at the end of the year because she is not in good academic standing. Han said she passed all her exams and requirements.

Han also said a professor told her it would be too much work to advise a Chinese student because of language difficulties.

Jenn, all I gotta say is this:

Shove it up their collective White asses.

If I were Black I'd say "you go girlfriend", but I'm not.

Battlestar Galactica

2005-10-13T23:05:00.000-07:00

This has to be my favourite show on TV. It's filmed in my hometown of Vancouver, and I think friend worked on the set or something. It's pretty damn awesome for a science fiction TV Show (The best EVER probably), and one reason for that is because it is so DARK. There isn't a light moment in the show EVER. It's so heavy and burdens the audience.

Even though I love the show, I still have lots of beef with the show. Perhaps I don't know... because the show is RACIST!!!!

A brilliant written shot and produced piece of unintended racism, but still racism.

I'm just going to list my beef with the show from small beef to large beef:

1) Not really a racial thing, but it kind of drains from my "geeky-living-in-my-mom's-basement-fantasizing-about-alternate-universes-moment" when I see the Vancouver Public Library on the planet of Caprica. Just a minor thing.

2) It is obviously justifiable that when Cally (My favourite character) on the show shot Sharon she only got 30 days of jail. Previously good behavior, too valuable to lose to too much jail time (fixing ships)... but it's pretty obvious she only got off light because she was a sweet little innocent White girl. I bet you if a Black dude shot Sharon some White marine would have shot the guy saying it was "self-defense" and "the minority suspect was a threat" or some other bullshit the cops use to get away with minority beating.

3) Lieutenant Gaeta's role on the ship angers me greatly. It's pretty clear that he's the CIC bitch, and he has to do all the work without all the glory. Cleaning up viruses, plotting jumps... you know, basic computer and math skills White people don't have.

If I were Gaeta I'd just be like "Plot your own damn jump Colonel, you drunken Irish piece of shit."

*SPOILER ALERT*
Apparently on the Pegasus Gaeta's job being done by a "Lieutenant Hoshi". Guess there's a reason those two ships are alive. All the ships with White navigators are all dead.

4) It's pretty obvious they wrote the Dee character to be smart and tough. So what do they do with the character? Give her a krappy dead-end minimum wage task fit for a minority on Galactica (a TELEPHONE OPERATOR!!!), and then have her somehow let Billy the White Useless Douche to stick his penis in her.

5) They had this loser Asian character pilot that they killed in like 3 episode in season I. I really don't have a problem with the concept of "Expendable loser Asian male with 3 lines that die", but you could have given him a better call-sign. His call-sign was CHUCKLES. It was bad enough that he was the "Expendable loser Asian male with 3 lines that die", but make his callsign the most GIRLISH CALLSIGN EVER? That's just wrong. They might as well made his call-sign Sliteye or something.

"SLITEYE YOU'VE GOT ONE ON YOUR SIX! SLITEYE BREAK LEFT!"
"I'm HIT!!"
"Oh well he was going to die eventually."

6) Edward Olmos is a fucking unbelievable actor. And he's Hispanic, which is cool. You knwo what's NOT cool? Cast the most Whitebread actor EVER, not to mention possibly the WORST actor EVER to play his son. Did I mention the son is a totally tool?

Here's insult to injury: Edward Olmos's son is actually ON THE SHOW. (His son plays Hotdog). Terrific casting by the producers. Get some bullshit krap White actor who sucks at his job to play a Hispanic man's son, while the Hispanic actor's actual son plays another peripheral character on the show. Just fucking genius.

7) Sharon

Make the Asian character the traitor.

That's right.

Make the Asian character the fall-guy (or girl). Because Asian people are unscrutable and unscrupulous.

The only reason the character is still alive on the show and able to redeem her self?

Because some White guy gets to stick his penis in her.

Total racial bullshit as usual.

If they were going to insult an Asian female they coudl have made her a bad pilot or something. It would have been at least believable, because we all know Asian females can't drive.

My Favourite Tidbit of "English Language Use" Lately

2005-10-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

I was doing a little homework on hemmorhagic shock... and I came across this sentence beginnin with:

"Recent Studies involving URBAN PATIENTS WITH PENETRATING TRAUMA..."

I know it was a medical academic article, but couldn't they have just written "Minorities getting shot or stabbed?"

What other kind of PENETRATING TRAUMA IS THERE?

(Somebody is going to come up with an anal sex joke, so save it.)

The O.C.

2005-09-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

I'm just going to clarify my views on the show one more time.

THE SHOW BLOWS.

I am not watching a bunch of rich spoiled White kids act like douchebags and complain about their problems when they are all richer than god and swimming in hot and cold running pools of poontang.

For some reason women (and probably some female readers of this blog)(My friends) watch the show, I think they just can't help it or something, so I'm going to let that slide.

However, for the men, I don't care if you think Misha Barton is hot (She is), no self-respecting man should be watching the show. I don't care if you're just watching the show to pick up chicks, no self-respecting man should be watching the show. Again, I know lots of my female friends watch the show, but they aren't stupid enough to let themselves get picked up by guys who watch the show for the sake of trying to pick up chicks.

Any chick that would have sex with you just because you watch the show, isn't worth it, because she probably would have sex with anybody, and that may lead to a few problems that might show up on my Pathology Exam next week.

If you're going to watch TV, watch something worthwhile, like a show with a talking dog and an evil baby, or watch Jack Bauer shoot a minority because he's trying to find a bomb/a person/a misc. device in a limited amount of time.

Man Charged After Urinating on Asian Woman

2005-09-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

Where do these assholes come from

An Ann Arbor man could face charges of indecent exposure and other serious charges after he allegedly urinated on woman because she was Asian.

Police are calling it a case of ethnic intimidation after the 21-year-old man made derogatory statements to the Asian couple who were walking just a few blocks from the University of Michigan campus, then urinated on a woman.

I think it's just because the guy's never seen any Japanese Porno Movies. It's supposed to be the woman urinates on the man.

Well, we know what kind of people read Sports Illustrated.

2005-09-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

Stupid people that send stupid fucking questions to the mailbag

For all the talk about the Curse of the Bambino over there and the Kentucky Fried Curse smashed by the Hanshin Tigers over here in Japan, no one seems to have spotted the latest mystical force -- the Curse of the Rising Sun. For the past three years, the losing team in the World Series has been the one with the Japanese player on the postseason roster. Does this mean the White Sox and Cards can stop hoping now?
-- Ben Kiggell, Tokyo

All right, Ben, I'll play along. So Taguchi for the Cardinals last year. Hideki Matsui of the Yankees the year before that. And the Giants' Tsuyoshi Shinjo in 2002, right? And, of course, Taguchi and Tadahito Iguchi of the White Sox this year. But let's not forget other playoff possibles whose teams may be doomed by the curse: Kazuo Matsui, Kazuhisa Ishii and Shingo Takatsu (Mets); big Matsui of the Yankees; and Akinori Otsuka and Dave Roberts (born in Okinawa) of the Padres. That's just off the top of my head, too. As far as you know.

I'll play along too:

1) So Taguchi played for the 2004 Cardinals. It was sure his fault the Cardinals lost the World Series. It was his fault that Jeff Suppan can't run the bases properly. It was his fault the Cardinals couldn't hit a crippled Curt Schilling. It was his fault that Mark Bellhorn made the Cardinal pitching staff his bitches. It was DEFINITLY his Yellow ass that made Scott Rolen forget to show up for the World Series. Did I mention it was his slitty eyes and small penis that caused Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds to have as many hits COMBINED in 4 games as So Taguchi's hits in the WS?

In case you guys don't know what I'm talking about:
Scott Rolen: 0 for 15
Jim Edmonds: 1 for 15
So Taguchi: 1 for 4

2) Why bother mentioning the Mets. They'll never make the playoffs anyway. Now the fact that their Asian players suck might have something to do with it, but that mainly has to do with them being METS players rather than them being Asian.

3) Hang on... what happened in 2004... let me think...

OH RIGHT.

THE RED SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES.

HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN.

Johnny Damon: Half Asian. His new wife, also half Asian.
Dave Roberts: (mentioned in the FUCKING ARTICLE): Half Asian, born in Okinawa.

Well, what the fuck do I know, I guess maybe Dave Roberts stole that bag because he was unscrupulous.

4) What else happened in 2004...

Oh right, this Seattle Mariner Team I used to enjoy watching didn't do very well, and I think this short little slanty eyed Asian dude did pretty well. Broke some record of some dead guy. Not important at all, in fact, it was because of him that his team sucked. That's it.

Somehow, I figure this might be attributed to Minority Unit

2005-09-13T04:40:00.000-07:00

Stats Canada: Canadians Spending More on Alcohol

Canadians bought more beer, wine and spirits last year, but the growth in alcohol sales slowed slightly, Statistics Canada reported Thursday.

In total, Canada's beer and liquor stores and agencies sold more than $16.1 billion worth of alcoholic beverages during the fiscal year ending March 31, 2004, up 4.9 per cent from the year before.

However, this rate of growth was slower than the 6.0 per cent increase during the previous fiscal year...

Last year, beer was by far the most popular libation, capturing 50.7 per cent of the country's alcohol trade, while spirits and wine trailed at 24.7 per cent and 24.6 per cent respectively.

Liquor stores and their agencies sold nearly $4 billion worth of wine, up 7.4 per cent from the previous year...

Profit taken in by provincial and territorial liquor authorities peaked at $4.3 billion, up 7.2 per cent from the previous year, the biggest year-over-year increase in 20 years.

"On average, each Canadian aged 15 and older purchased 107.2 litres of alcoholic beverages, up one litre from the previous fiscal year," Statistics Canada reports. Per capita data is based on the population aged 15 and over.

Provincially, British Columbia and Ontario saw the largest increase in net income with 11. 1 per cent and 9.4 per cent respectively.

God I love those guys.

Questions that Make a Whole Lot of Sense

2005-09-10T10:30:00.000-07:00

Oh Man You Can't Make This Shit Up

CAMP WILLIAMS, Utah (Reuters) - Asked whether he would relocate permanently to Utah after being brought here as a refugee from Hurricane Katrina, Larry Andrew rattled off a series of questions on Friday on the delicate issue of race.

"How do the adults really feel about us moving in?" he asked at Camp Williams, a military base 21 miles south of Salt Lake City housing about 400 refugees from last weeks disaster. "What if I find a Caucasian girl and decide to date her?

"Will I have to deal with whispering behind me and eyeballing me?" asked the 36-year-old black man.

My advice to you buddy:

Get a bulletproof vest.

Hey Kid, Fuck You and Your Stupid Dog

2005-09-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

If I see another "Pet Report" on the news I will walk out into the streets of Taipei, find the first dog I see, and kick it 3 times in the nads. Hard.

I've already been burnt hard with the "You are Asian you would have eaten the dogs already" jokes. So Save it.

Yes, I would have eaten the dogs in a situation like this. Better to have some dog meat instead of starve to death or heaven for bid head down to a Wal-Mart and get shot by Troops defending the fall stock of Nikes.

Everytime I watch the news there's some calamity about "dogs being left behind" or "pets drowning" or "White boy cries about losing his dog."

F!@# your dog man.

People are dying.

Pets are only a burden on the situation, as they take water and food, water and food PEOPLE DON'T HAVE.

There are two types of dogs that should get to survive in this situation:

1) Guiding Dogs for the Blind
2) Police Dogs that can help for search and rescue.

Fluffy the Chihuahua?

Dinner

Hurricane Katrina

2005-09-05T03:26:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to say about this tragedy.

Fortunately, somebody has said all i wanted to say for me.

Please visit yellowcontent.blogspot.com

He regularly updates the site wrt to the Hurricane and offers good insight. Most of his stuff is similar to mine, but without the swearing.

Canuck-Related NHL Talk, Part III

2005-08-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

Ok... I'll do the list format again.

1) Re-Signed Dan Cloutier, 2.5 mil/yr for 2 years.

FUCK NO. A contract that was ABOVE the QO and FOR TWO YEARS. FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK.

Was there anybody else better? Nope
Will there be anybody else better next off-seasons? Possibly

THEN WHY DID YOU SIGN HIM TO A TWO YEAR DEAL YOU JACKASS????

2) Re-signed Mattias Ohlund, 14mil total over 4 years.

YES!!!

YES!!!

MATTIAS OHLUND LONG-TERM!!!

YES!!!

JOVO IS ON HIS WAY OUT!!!

YES!!!

VICTORY FOR FREEDOM LOVERS EVERYWHERE!!!

YES!!!

Maybe I need to get treated for Schizophrenia or something. I don't know.

3) Signed Anson Carter 1mil/yr for 1 yr.

He's not the type of winger I'd like for the Sedins (big, strong, drives to the net, dirty work along the boards and in front of the net), but he's a decent skater and has a good shot even though he's sort of perimeter-ish. For 1 mil I can live with that.

And now... the non-Canuck moves that will impact us.

1) Columbus signs Adam Foote 4.5 mil/yr for 4 years.

You heard it here first. This is the signing that tips the balance of the NW division. This guy while on the Avs beat the krap out of Canuck Forwards and kept us from scoring more than anybody else. He's a great hockey player who's a tough SOB whom we'll see 4 times less now. Great news for NW division forwards everywhere.

2) Edmonton trades Brewer Lynch and Woywitka for Chris Pronger (signing him to a long term deal); Edmonton trades Mike York for Mike Peca

this DEFINTLY makes Edmonton A LOT better on the long run, and their PK I bet will be extremel good this year (Pronger will be huge on that), but I have a feeling their PP will remain absolutely dismal. Pronger SHOULD help in that department, but York to Peca is a lateral move at best (York more offense, Peca more defense) and the departure of Nedved leaves Edmonton without a playmaking C on the PP.

3) Philly signs Peter Forsberg

I don't think this affects Colorado that much. He plays like 40 games a year anyway. I'd rather have Foote than Forsberg.

4) Calgary wholesale changes: Brings in Langkow Hamrlik, McCarty, Amonte; Loses Conroy and McCamond.

Hamrlik IMO is a big edition to their already excellent blueline with Regher Lydman and Leopold. Conroy IMO is a big loss. Langkow SHOULD replace his offensive contributino, but COnroy will be missed on the PK. McCarty IMO was the worst member of the grindlnie and is useless, while Amonte has probably lost everythign he had already and is useless.

5) Colorado signs Patrice Brisebois

Markus Naslund thanks you Pierre Lacroix

NTU Med Admin: Douchebags of Liberty

2005-08-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

No, the administration of our school did not reveal the identiy of a top secret intelligence operative to discredit a report against them, although I have no doubt they would do something along those lines should such an incidence occur.

What I am about to describe to you has to get into some top 10 list of University Bureacratic Bullshit somewhere.

They're cutting a week off our summer vacation. (from 9/19 to 9/12)

This isn't the worst part.

They're telling us NOW.

IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING AUGUST.

Here's the thing: My buddy (well, he's not REALLY my buddy, but whatever) called the department office so he could set up the common note schedule for next year (he called the office for the semester schedule of classes)...

Here's what the office had to say:

"We're starting school a week early, didn't you know?"

OF COURSE WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW. You know why?

BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING TOLD US!!!

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US THIS SHIT IN FUCKING JUNE BEFORE WE LEFT SCHOOL YOU DOUCHEBAGS!

Now this doesn't actually affect me THAT much, but there's people OVERSEAS on vacation and summer lab internships until that week. So they're fucked.

Of course, what they might do is not take a week off now and ADD a week of school during WINTER vacation, and that would set me off ballistic, because I'm going home this Februrary, and one less week of drinking and causing trouble with M-Unit will upset me very much.

The "NEW" NHL, Vancouver Canuck Edition

2005-08-15T05:25:00.000-07:00

As you all know, the new CBA has put a 39 million dollar salary cap while adding a 24% paycut to all players. My views on the salary cap and the new CBA are very clear. I think the owners are a bunch of douchebags and that the overspending is no one's fault but their own (OH NO WE ARE RUNNING DEFECITS, HURRY, BUILD US A NEW STADIUM! GIVE US A SALARY CAP SO WE CAN'T HURT OURSELVES!!! BUT WE'RE STILL RAISING TICKET PRICES ANYWAY!), but if the players were going to take it up the ass, did they REALLY have to deprive us a year of hockey?

My team the Canucks have made a few moves to fit under the cap. I'll just discuss these moves (in no priority):

1) Re-sighed Markus Naslund to a 6 mil/yr contract.

This IMO was the big "UFA" signing we were all hoping for. Fuck Kariya, Ziggy is a great player, ditto Demtira, but Markus Naslund is what the Canucks need. Bringing him back was a top priority. This is his team, and since he scores 50 goals a year, I like him. Still has nto developed into the PK threat like Ziggy or Sakic, but he doesnt' seem as ass in his own end anymore.

I woudl have creamed my pants if we got both Neidermayer AND Naslund, but one or the other I'm content with.

2) Moved Sopel for a pick to the Islanders

Our first salary cap casualty. IMO a good move for the Islanders because they've lost like everybody on their blueline (which was probably my favourite D corp in the league with Ninnima Aucoin Hammer and KJ) (They lost the middle too due to free agency, and Kenny retired), Sopel will eat minutes and run the 2nd unit PP. Say waht you want about his inability to skate backwards or his terrible hair, Brent Sopel has developed into a legitimate 2nd pairing offensive d-man (with certain limitations). This also proves that even a blind rabbit can find a mice once in a while, because the system that brought you highly touted 1st rounders such as Libor Polasek, Jason Herter, Alex Stojanov, and Josh Holden managed to find and develop a decent defenseman in the middle rounds.

3) Re-signing Brendon Morrison to a 3 mil/yr deal

People at first bitched taht this was an overpayment. And Yeah it's a little expensive. But I feel that this is the right move, sicne B-Mo is a good hockey player, not elite talent, but he does the job and is popular locally. I wish he was a little bigger and had a better faceoff percentage, but he's the best defensive player on his line (not sayign much), he's a good playmaker for Naslund, and he'll hopefully help Bert come back to the NHL (more on that in a moment, because I'll leave the incendiary shit to last).

Brendan Morrison is a good hockey player. And I'm glad to have him around.

4) Sami Salo re-upping at 1.5 mil/yr

Even though he's a RFA, that's under market value for a decent d-man like him. I wish he hit, but he positions himself well, uses his reach well, and is a decent skater. I think he might be overmatched in teh role we're sticking him in this year (#3 defenseman), but I like having him around. If he could only hit the net with his big shot.

5) Letting Marek Gretzky go at 2.5 mil/yr for 3 years to the New York Rangers.

I like the guy, and he's actually got some pretty good hands for a big man, but the truth is he's a pylon that doens't hit. He's proof of 2 things:

a) The +/- stat is useless (just becuase you were there doesn't mean you were making a contribution)
b) Glen Sather is on crack

6) Promoting Ryan Kesler and Kevin Bieska from the farm.

OMG PICKS PANNING OUT. OMG. WE'RE ABLE TO FILL HOLES IN THE LINEUP (3rd Line Center + 6th d-man) WITH YOUNG PLAYERS FROM THE ORGANIZATION. OMG.

We're still missing a 5th d-man right now (and a 4th line center)... but the fact taht we can promote TWO FUCKIGN PLAYERS to the majors is amazing. All appear to be good hardworking responsible players. I'm excited about Kesler as a) he scored 30 goals in the AHL b) He's a good skater c) He'x extremely responsible defensively

Bieska supposedly has a nasty physical edge. Let's hope he continues taht at the NHL level without taking dumb penalties

This still leaves us with Nolan Baumgartner as our 5th d-man, and some people might lose sleep over night about this, but c'mon, we've been Leif Rohlin, Bert Robertsson, Bryan Helmer, and Mark Wotton. How bad could this possibly be.

7) Signing Richard Park to a 700k/yr deal

We needed a 4th line RW. He's Asian, he's fast, and he's responsible defensively. I love him already.

8) Taking Mattias Ohlund to arbitration.

I don't mind this move. Thsi guarentees Mattias Ohlund is in a Canuck uniform the next season. Even though he does become an UFA next season, this will finally fulfill my long dream of signing Mattias Ohlund to a long term contract while ridding the giveaway machine that is Ed Jovanovski. If Jovo walks, he walks. Hopefully we can trade him for something. I'm pretty sure we can't keep both. If NOnis keeps Jovo while letting Ohlund walk i will be PISSED.

9) Dan Cloutier accepting his 1 year QO at 2.4mil/yr

ONE MORE YEAR! ONE MORE YEAR!

There have been rumours of a LONG TERM DEAL BEING NEGOTIATED.

I hope that's with our ECHL affliate.

God help us all

10) Us lowballing Artem Chubarov and him going back to Russia

We still hold his rights, but we now have a 4th line center hole to fill. According to everyone I've spoken to, Linden is ass at center and much better on the wing. So with Chubarov's loss (due to the salary cap), we need to find a 4th line center. Do you know the names I've been hearing?

DARBY HENDRICKSON

BRIAN HOZLINGER

MIKE EASTWOOD

Guys, Mike Eastwood is a faceoff winning CORPSE! THAT'S ALL HE DOES! He's like 129! Don't we have some minimum wage guy in the minors who we can play for 10 minutes a night without embarrassing himself? NATHAN SMITH! We drafted him in the first fucking round! Our SAFE picks don't even turn into a god damn 4th line 10 minute a night player. That's just sad.

Oh well, Artem Chubarov, I will miss you, and probably will miss you more when I see a dying corpse or a useless AHL player in your place.

11) The Sedins re-upping at 1.25 mil/yr

I've stopped referring to them as the sisters because:
a) I remember Henrik throwing hit once last season
b) I remember Daniel pushing back once last season
c) They did score 80 points between the both of them
d) If backchecking makes you a woman, then I want somebody to rush to the Bertuzzi residence with a large cutting object and eunuch his ass right now.

12) Todd Bertuzzi being re-instated by the NHL

Here we go.

One last time.

The Steve Moore Todd Bertuzzi incident is possibly one of the most stupid acts in sports EVER proceded by an incredible clusterfuck of stupid events. If ANY of these events had occured differently, the whole deal would not have happened.

1) Moore doesn't hit Naslund like that. I think he was looking to hit a star player, but that's just me.(With further research, I have found out the hit was actually legal, because even though Naslund DOESN'T touch the puck, Moore does, and he can legally initiate contact. I think the rule's intent and spirit was to enable guys like Cam Neely to CARRY the puck while bulldozing through guys, not just "oh i touched the puck so now i can legally hit somebody" without actually trying to do somethign with the puck ie. carry or pass, but rules are rules)

2) Brad May doesn't run his friggin' mouth. How stupid are you to "put out a bounty" on a player? Just go get him yourself. You're a 4th line scrub. That's your job. (Ironically, he scored 2 goals that infamous night)

3) The League acts smart abuot it, and WARNS both teams to not continue that shit. Fuck I would have pre-emptively warned both teams publically to not do something stupid, but that's just me.

4) Marc Crawford doesn't act like an asshole and sends out his players after Moore

5) Tony Granato (Former 15-game suspensionee) doesn't send Moore out after they're up NINE GOALS

Ultimately, Todd Bertuzzi commited a heinously stupid action, and even though he's not a very smart man, a series of stupid events that weren't his fault led up to it.

As for the punishment, you know what, he missed the rest of the year, he missed the playoffs, the IIHF honoured the NHL suspension, so it's "like" he missed an extra year, there is a legal case, Steve Moore will be compensated financially, the NHL is about second chances, so that's done and over with. I sincerely hope Steve Moore can recover fully to be cut from a NHL team at training camp.

I've heard lots of "Bertuzzi should be in jail!" comments. The only way an on-field/on-ice incident would result in a jailing would be if Bertuzzi is Black. Cuz we all the the White man LOVES to put a Black man in jail, especially if he's caught slugging a White guy on camera.

Next entry will be about how other team's moves will affect the Canucks.

The "New" NHL

2005-08-12T03:15:00.000-07:00

Before I start, I'd like to apologize if the following entry seems disorganized. When i get angry, I become disorganized.

So, the NHL is back! That'll get anybody excited right? After a year of lockout where professional hockey has completely lost its foothold in the battle for dominance between the four major sports and all the major TV networks have cancelled their contracts with the league, what could be more exciting?

WHAT? THEY'VE MADE RULE CHANGES TO OPEN UP THE GAME??? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW PEOPLE WERE DISINTERESTED IN THE OLD "CLOSED UP" GAME OF CLOG-UP-THE-NEUTRAL-ZONE-HOCKEY!!! PEOPLE LOVE THE TRAP! I DON'T KNOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT! THIS WILL BE GREAT, AND WHEN THEY MEAN "RULE CHANGES", THE BY NO MEANS ARE DUMBING THE GAME DOWN FOR STUPID AMERICANS! Of course not, how could they do such a thing? I mean, the glowing puck was one of the most glorious technological breakthroughs in the history of sports broadcasting!

Without further ado, here's me being more angry:

The New CBA

The Owners got everything they wanted. So the players deprived us of a whole year of hockey just to take it up the ass. Lovely.

The salary cap, the free agency changes, whatever. Those changes were going to be made anyway. How they managed to accept a league wide 24% PAY CUT ACROSS THE BOARD is beyond me.

And even though the owners got almost everything they wanted, did they learn anything? Do they now know not to overspend on high-priced mid-tier free agents and then bitch about burgeoning losses?

Yeah that and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee.

Mike Rathje 3.5 mil/yr for 5 years
Adrian Aucoin 4 mil/yr for 4 years
Marek Malik 2.5 mil/yr for 3 years

I gotta qualify the next part of my little rant with the fact that the first 2 guys are actually pretty good defenseman. Nothing special, but excellent guys to have around. They're all around the age of 30, and they've all established themselves as solid NHLers.

So what do the owners do?

Give the lot of aging veteran defenseman large contracts that run up until the Obama administration. This is smart, give a #3 veteran defenseman Rathje a 3.5 mil/yr contract, and then pay him that amount when he's 36, by which time most of his speed and strength will have disappeared, not to mention the War on Terror will have liberated Iran, North Korea, and possibly Sweden.

Also, despite the presence of a salary cap, there's been no actual new SOURCES OF REVENUE for the owners. In fact, there is no actual solid TV deal for the league. They're talking about putting NHL hockey on THE OUTDOOR LIFE NETWORK and SPIKE TV. And then they're still money. Just genius.

The Rule Changes

1. "The General Crackdown on Obstruction: The total elimination of clutching and grabbing that will open up the game for fast skilled players."

Bullshit.

They'll crack down for two weeks, then people will bitch about the 200 Powerplays a game, saying the "refs are not letting the players decide the game", and then it will be business as usual. And the NHL will just let it happen, because otherwise the Americans will see their beloved Hatcher Trolls and other no-skilled 6'4 pieces of shit go unemployed. Not to mention our friend Keith "Captain Stickwork" Tkachuk might actually have to skate while backchecking and not be dragged along by some 5'11 European dude.

If you think the NHL will truely open up and the neutral zone clutch-and-grab will go, I have a bridge to sell you.

2. "The Shootout: The Most Exciting Play in Hockey"

No.

Just No.

Obviously teh spirit of this rule is to prevent teams from playing for the tie, but what the fuck is this, soccer? Teams now will just trap the shit out of the 5 minutes of OT, and then bring out their one-dimensional penalty shot players to try to win the game off that.

Of course, the Canucks have Cloutier, what could we possibly worry about?

3. "The Removal of the Red line: Creating more breakaways!"

In principle this sounds great, and I actually like this rule change, but I doubt we'll actually see more breakaways, because even though Jagr or Yashin gets to camp out at the opposing blueline for a breakaway pass that's never coming, the puck will never actually reach them because there will still be 5 New Jersey Devil Uniforms standing in the neutral zone cutting the pass off and dumping it back in.

4. "Restricting Goalie Puck-Handling: Creating Extra Forecheck opportunities!"

This is just really stupid. I actually really enjoy watching the goalie come out to handle the puck, because the good ones create rushes for their own team, and the bad ones create glorious opportunities for the other team. I personally think they should just let the goalies do whatever the hell they want. My proposal is to let the goalie skate out to whereever he likes, do whatever he wants to do with the puck, anywhere. (Short of shooting it out of the arena of course) And him fair game outside of his crease. He can bodycheck guys, he can be hit. But that's just me.

Also, defenseman will now have the shit forechecked out of them, which is in itself not a bad thing, but you know Tie Domi will take the opportunity to ram some guy's head first into the glass when his back is turned towards him. But hey, what the fuck do I know, I'm just an Asian guy typing in front of his computer, not a bloody oracle.

5. "Touch Icing: The Excitement of teh Chase for the Puck"

There is never a fucking chase for the puck. 95% of the time the defenseman floats back to his own zone to touch the puck because everybody is fucking tired, and that takes like 5 seconds the damn clock. Nobody wants to see the defenseman float back to his own zone to touch the puck.

Of course, the 5% of the time there is a chase, somebody slides head first into the boards and gets injured.

Did I mention that the team that ices the puck won't be allowed to make a line change? The spirit of the rule is to "award the team with pressure", but you know some asshole is going to get injured because he'll have to stay out on the ice for like 2 minutes straight, catch an edge, be too tired to balance himself, and break his ankle.

6. "Decreasing the Space behind the net"

I got nothin' for this one. The only forseeable consequence for decreasing the size of Gretzky's office would be less room for the Sedins to endless cycle the puck with a purpose.

7. "Extra Penalties are Fighting: Cleaning up the game of hockey."

I may not agree with Don Cherry a lot of the time, but the instigator penalty is one of the sources that is causing all the Steve Moore/Peter Worrell/Bryan Marchment/Matthew Barnaby/Jarkko Ruutu/Tie Domi bullshit in the NHL. There are so many things wrnog with the instigator penalty and placing extra penalties on fighting (too lazy to specify right now) its not funny:

a) LET THE PLAYERS POLICE THEMSELVES. The Todd Bertuzzi thing would have never happened had Steve Moore had his ass kicked the night he hit Naslund. You didn't see any 4th line no talent hack run Gretzky. I don't recall seeing some AHL douchebag run Yzerman back in the day. You know why? Because Semenko would have beaten the shit out of these cheapshot artists. Now Steve Moores and Bryan Marchments run wild, shoving people head first into the boards and lining up knee-on-knee hits like its the Boxing Day sale at Future Shop.

The instigator penalty and the addtional penalties on fighting simply handcuffs the enforcers (like the real ones ie. Laraque, not the fake cheapshot artists ones ie. Domi) from doing their job of protecting the star players. God knows Colin Campbell won't protect the players. Everybody knows Bertuzzi what Bertuzzi got. And he deserved it. What everybody DOESN'T know is that Marchment rams Ritchie's head into the boards first the next night, breaks his collarbone, ends his season, and got like 3 games. (I just did a little searching: I don't think he was suspended)

2) The only reason Americans watch hockey is because they like to see people beat the shit out of each other. They don't watch it for the skill that's been diminshed by the clutch and grab. They don't watch it for the 5 guys lining up in the neutral zone. They watch it because White Canadians will beat teh shit out of each other.

I am the Sandwich Man

2005-07-30T23:10:00.000-07:00

Before I start off, I really should explain the nature of my employer, the CYC, or China Youth Corps. The CYC runs programs and camps for kids and adults, and they run "Activity Centres" which are like hostels.

There are branches all over the World. It used to be "government run" and ridiculously rich because it was simply a KMT Chiang-Kai-Shek Youth Brainwash factory, but now that it's in private hands the organization is poor and all the activities are krap. They used to run "Youth Camps" that involved people going off for MILITARY TRAINING.

So the CYC is like this:

Hitler Youth --> Anything to make a profit.

The Reasons I'm never working for them again:

1. The Mountain Incident

Ok. Picture this.

11 o'clock at night.

Mountain Resort in the middle of fuckign nowhere.

Dumbass banana kid gets BUG SPRAY in his eye.

Me and another counsellor takes him to the hospital. (Not really my responsibility, but when the most medically-educated person in the entire camp was ME, you know how shitty that camp was.) They give us a car and driver.

Doesn't seem THAT bad right?

We're on one of those Initial D mountain roads with a krap car at like 130 km/h, I figured no big deal, nothing I haven't seen right?

I smell alcohol.

The bells start ringing. Alarms go off.

We somehow miraculously get to the hospital alive. I'm not a religious or spiritual person by any means, but I seriously believe that my ancestors must have been pretty decent people, because if they were douchey I'd probably be dead.

The kid is alright, nothing to worry about. I pull the other counsellor aside... (Vivian is a nice girl... but I'd rate her like a 7 beer)

"Hey Vivian... you think he was drinking?"
"I don't know... I'm really scared. I don't nkow anything"
"Ok, promise me you won't get onto that car tomorrow. Because if you do, then I do, then we all die."

Even though all the conversation does is confirm the fact taht she's fucking useless, at least she's smart enough to listen to me.

(This is paraphrased. Not that I wouldn't say this to somebody)
"Quinn (Girly-man who was our head), DID YOU SEND ME A FUCKING DRUNK DRIVER?"
"I dont' know, let me ask Mr. Huang (our boss)"
"Guess what, I'm not going back up there. My life may not be valuable, but the kid's life is, becuase he's American, so you send me another fucking driver."
"I'll call you back"

Quinn calls back

"Can you just wait a bit until he clears up? What about a cab? or a motel nearby?"
"How about NO FUCK YOU SEND ME ANOTHER FUCKING DRIVER."

They take another hour to send a driver. It's like 1 am. Before I leave the hospital I get two Carlsbergs from the 7-11. I was dead tired, but it was the first time I had to drink to calm nerves. I was about to flip at smoebody.

The next day:

Mr. Huang: "I swear to God i didn't know he was drinking. I asked him myself. And I trusted your judgement and sent a driver."

I responded with the usual Asian Polite Crap about how I'm glad blah blah blah...

1. If you trusted me then why the fuck did you drag your feet when sending the driver?
2. If you beleived the driver wasn't drinking, then I have a fucking bridge to sell you.

2. The Sandwich Man

Ok, for my secodn camp that finished yesterday, they hired White Teachers through an Agency. Everyday it was CYC vs. White Teachers with me in the middle translating.

The teachers need money to buy stuff for courses. White Teachers buy stuff. CYC says it's the Agency's responsibility since the CYC purchased the course from them, the Agency says it's the CYC's responsibility, White Teachers obviously wouldn't pay for stuff out of their pocket (I wouldn't either), so this is a classic contract dispute.

Here's the kicker.

THERE IS NO CONTRACT.

IT WAS A VAGUE VERBAL AGREEMENT between CYC and Agency. (It wasn't my boss's fault (another guy, Mikail Chen), becuase he didn't arrange it. He just got there, it was his superiors that made the fucked up deal.)

SO there I am, everyday, with this money dispute of about 70 DOLLARS CANADIAN whether and who should pay this money for supplies. The sandwich man. (Anybody read You Gotta Have Wa will get teh reference)

I just stopped giving a shit. I just work here.

You'll love this part too.

We'd have to discuss this shit among the counsellors for like 2 hours every night, and whil we were discussing this, one of the female cousnellors said this to me

"WHY ARE YOU ON HIS SIDE?" (referring to White Guy)

I don't hit women, but I swear to god if I had a shotgun I woudl have shot her in the face. I responded with a "we're all on the same team (incl. the Whtie Guy)". You know, my boss was tehre.

Here's what I was thinking:

YOU KNOW WHO'S SIDE I'm ON BITCH? MINE! I'M ON MY OWN 15 DOLLAR A DAY CANADIAN SHITTY WAGE SIDE, SO FUCK YOU WITH YOUR LOCAL DUMBASS DITZY FRIEND FROM YOUR FOURTH RATE TOILET BOWL UNIVERSITY AND DO YOUR FUCKING TRANSLATING WITH YOUR OWN FUCKING BROKEN ENGLISH. I DON'T FUCKING CARE, I JUST FUCKING WORK HERE, AS DO YOU, SO SCREW YOUR "TEAM SERVICE" SHIT AND DIE ALONE YOU FUCKING BITCH. IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW TO BRIDGE THE CULTURAL GAP BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT, IT'S NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM. AND GROW A FUCKING RACK, BECAUSE YOUR CHEST IS FLATTER THAN 10 DAY OLD PEPSI.

NTU may be toilet bowl, but at least it's a 3rd rate toilet bowl.

Part of me is upset is because the White Guy is right and the Asian people are wrong.

I did learn a valuable lesson though:

1. If You want to do business, SIGN A FUCKING CONTRACT
2. Read what you sign. CAREFULLY.

Big Massive Update

2005-07-22T06:58:00.000-07:00

1. THE X-GAMES ARE IN TAIPEI!!!

and it's RIGHT ACROSS FROM MY DORM.

AND IT'S FREE!!!

IT's TOMORROW!!! IT'S GOIGN TO BE SO DAMN AWESOME.

They built this 10 story jump and filled it with ARTIFICIAL SNOW. IT'S GOING TO BE SO DAMN SWEET. They also built a half-pipe which is going to be sweet too. SOOOO excited.

However, the free concert tonight... SUCKED.

It was supposed to start at 7, but then the stupid hosts talked up Nokia stuff (Nokia sponsored the entire thing) for like a fucking hour, then they got this HK DJ who looked like a SCHOOL TEACHER to play one of his songs for like 10 minutes, and nobody was dancing. (The Sample was damn cool though... he used the Nokia ring! Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooo dooo...) But he had this ugly chick with a hot body w/ him. And the opening act... SUCKED.

F.I.R is pretty big locally, but they suck. The girl can't sing, the keyboard is shit, they have no drummer so all their drum stuff is PRE-RECORDED. HOW CAN A BAND NOT HAVE A FUCKING DRUMMER? The guitarist has some skillz though.

I GTFOed after FIR, because all the acts following was destined to suck. They got MATCHI (which is like a chigger group which just blows)... and they had one foreign performer. Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Wait for it........

COOLIO

Yeah. I got the fuck out.

2. Got an authentic Team England Michael Owen jersey today. FOR 40 CDN!! The store was going out of business. SWEET.

Back from Banana Camp

2005-07-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

Nobody Died

Extensive Summary Next Week.

Next week will be little local kids camp.

Never working for those fuckers again.

Off to Banana Camp Tomorrow

2005-06-30T23:56:00.000-07:00

I will be paid a total of like 300 dollar Canadian for the two week ordeal. The way I figure it, the gains will be a lot more than 300 dollars, because they feed me and they house me, which means that I'm saving a shitload of money on my summer a/c electricity bill, which can run up to like 400 dollars Canadian a month.

Also, of note, there are no Rodriguezes or Vazquezes, but unfortuantely, violent crimes at the camp probably will not decrease due to the presence of a 15 year old 6'6 White Chick. We can probably expect the usual arrests and convictions that are encountered with THAT demographic. Somewhere Tess Grainger is sharpening her knife and polishing her brass knuckles.

Kitsilano Class of 2004

2005-06-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

I was doing a little checking on the Kitsilano 2004 (Since my cousin will be renting my house... I want to know who'll be coming over and stuff.)

HOLY KRAP it is siblings galore.

Is there anybody who ISN'T a sibling of somebody in OUR class?

Here's the list I've managed to compile so far:

Tasha McEwen
Lauren Adirim
Vaughn Richards
Henry McQueen
Maria Fumano
Buster Kruse (But again, there's like a Kruse in EVERY friggin' class)
Christina Batstone
Jordan Dalziel (Hopefully douchebaggery isn't horizontally transmitted)
Sarah Parkes
Andrea Phillips
Paul Weichel?
Nadine McGinity?
Leah's Brother?

If I missed anybody, please let me know so I can update "the list".

I'm just reading some awards stuff... they gave the JEWISH WAR MEMORIAL AWARD to some kid with the last name ZHANG! C'mon, out of that list of siblings (which is like 10 people), there are already THREE JEWS ON THE FUCKING LIST! Edit: I just realized that a list of Jewish people MAY have some negative historical connotations. I apologize if this offends anybody. YOU'D THINK YOU COULD FIND SOME JEWISH KID TO GIVE THAT AWARD TO.

I don't remember who got that award in my grade, but I'm sure he or she wasn't Jewish either.

I'm sure the Asian girl really deserved an award, but they can't they just create some "Asian Person Who Got Screwed By White People And Now We Have to Make It Up Somehow" Scholarship or something?

Edit: Matija has informed me that his sister won this award this year. He also would like everyone to know that his family is not Jewish.

(Also, I see they gave Vaughn some award with the name of some Hindu guy...)

You'd think the school would be smart enough to ETHNICALLY ALIGN the awards.

P.S. I don't remember whatever the fuck award I got, probably named after some White Dude, but I'm pretty sure I blew through that 1K pretty quickly buying shit.

The Moral of the Post: It doesn't matter what award you win, whether Jewish, Asian, or Caucasian, as long as they hand you a big stack of Queen Elizabeths, it's all good.

I'm Not Saying I'd Do Something Like This, but I Understand.

2005-06-16T01:30:00.001-07:00

Mandarin Article

It's ok if you're an ignorant White man that doesn't speak another language. (Note: FRENCH IS NOT A REAL LANGUAGE.) The gist of the story is that some medical student here due to academic stress proceded to stab his fellow students and then locked himself in and then CUT HIS OWN BALLS OFF.

This is my favourite part of the article:
醫師表示，雖然將這名男同學傷口縫合，但他陰囊部位受創嚴重，恐怕日後會影響他的生育能力。

Translation:
Doctors say even though the wound was closed, this scrotum has suffered massive trauma and his future fertility might be affected.

I wonder why his fertility might be affected. How about his TESTICLES WERE REMOVED FROM HIS BODY.

On a related note, I just had my microbiology lab final. So Don't be Shocked if I come home next summer walking funny.

Man, this country is just fucked. I mean, the only thing that was REMOTELY close to something like this back home was Andrea's basement dungeon rig. Ane even though scrotal removal was also one of the popular options, she was a professional who could make sure the temporary pain distraction did not affect your future fertiility functions. Oh how I am so homesick.

MLB Books

2005-06-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

MLB Books

For as long as baseball has been played there have been brilliant and controversial literary pieces regarding baseball. From the flowing literary prose of Dan “Curly haired boyfriend” Shaunessy to the Hard hitting investigative journalism of Bill Plaschke, baseball literature has been part of American Culture for as long as the game itself. But what about the players and managers? What about what they have to say? MLB Baseball is proud to present its new series of baseball books by the players and managers!

Managers, Coaches, and Front Office:
“10 Minutes” by Rick Petersen
“How I Survived Two Death Star Runs” by Eric Wedge
“I’m Rich So Suck it” by George Steinbrenner
“Golden Boy” – Theo Epstein
“Closer by Committee” by Terry Francona
“Holds Barred” by Dale Sveum
“Emerging Diseases – Sveumitis” by the New England Journal of Medicine
“How Kenny Williams is an Idiot” by the entire Sabremetric Community
“How Not to Cheat On Your Wife” by Tony Pena
“The Trouble with Young People” by Brian Sabean
“Googleboy – The Biography of Paul Depodesta” by Michael Lewis
“We’re Not Trading Ben Sheets” by Doug Melvin
“We’re not trading Oliver Perez” by Dave Littlefield
“Pitch Counts and Starter Usage” by Dusty Baker
“How the LOOGY changed baseball” by Tony La Russa
“Stadium Acquisition” by Jeff Torberg
“Middle Relief” by Ed Wade
“How He Made Hitchhikers Rich” – The Unauthorized Leo Mazzone biography with contributions from Mike Remlinger, Russ Ortiz, Mark Wohlers, Kerry Lightenberg, Kevin Millwood, Steve Karsay, Denny Neagle, and Jaret Wright
“Pitch less, throw more, bob head – Leo’s guide to pitching” by Leo Mazzone
“How Leo Got My Groove Back” by Mike Hampton
“LAA LAA land” by Art Moreno
“Moneyball” by Billy Beane
“Mikeyball” by Mike Scoscia
“My Predecessor Traded Sammy Sosa and somehow became President” by Tom Hicks
“Making GM’s your Bitches” – Scott Boras

The Larry Bowa Reality Baseball Series:
FEATURE FILM: “Three Nights in The Bathroom: Bowa, Bushmills, and Blown Leads.”
“How Scott Rolen is a Little Girl” by Larry Bowa
“How Eric Milton Gave me Whiplash” by Larry Bowa
“Bleep Bleep” by Larry Bowa
“How to get thrown out of a baseball game” by Larry Bowa and Lou Pinella

The Media
“Randomly Generated Diamond Notes” by Peter Gammons
“Productive Out Machines” by Buster Olney
“How To Properly Show Deference to Derek Jeter” by Tim McCarver
“My Only Talent is being Jack Buck’s son” by Joe Buck
“How Winning The World Series Endangered My Livelihood” by Dan Shaunessy
“Koolaid” by Michael Kay and Jon Heyman
“Smallball” by Joe Morgan

American League

Yankees:
“Fistpump” by Derek Jeter
“I’m Sorry but I’m Not Sure Why” by Jason Giambi
“How My Wife Slept with R Kelly” by Gary Sheffield
“Fan-Player Interaction” by Gary Sheffield
“Karate in Baseball” by Alex Rodriguez and Chan Ho Park
“I’m speak no English but I’m sure I’m stuck with a bunch of assclowns” by Hideki Matsui
“Over My Head or Play it On a Hop” by Bernie Williams
“How Mel Stottlemyre Ruined Me” by Kevin “3 Inning” Brown, Javier Vazquez, Paul Quantrill, and Jeff Weaver. Japanese Translation by Hideki Irabu.

Red Sox:
“How to Get Yourself in the News” by Curt Schilling
“How to Make Sure Your Heroics are Recognized” by Curt Schilling
“How to act like a douchebag” by Kevin Millar, David Wells, and Curt Schilling
Feature Film: “Overworked – The Alan Embree and Mike Timlin story”
“Low Leverage” by Keith Foulke
“I’m Actually Jewish” by Kevin Youkilis
“Wiffleball Plate Discipline” by Mark Bellhorn
“Baseball Parenting” by Trot Nixon
“Baseball Facial Hair” by Kevin Millar, Johnny Damon, Mark Bellhorn, Jason Varitek, and Matt Clement
“Keep Your eyes off my hot new wife” by Johnny Damon
“Cornrows” by Brandon Bronson Arroyo
“What Do You Mean I had to Take My Mask Off?” by Jason Varitek
“We Jus’ Gotta Keep goin’” by Manny Ramirez
“The Last of my Kind” by Tim Wakefield

Orioles:
“Gold Glove Defense” by Rafael Palmeiro
“How Viagra Changed my life” by Rafael Palmeiro
“You Sick Minded Person” by BJ Ryan
“I aint going to Mexico” by Miguel Tejada
“See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No English – Sammy Sosa on Steroids” by Sammy Sosa and lawyer.

Blue Jays
“Yes We have Baseball in Canada” by Corey Koskie
“No I don’t live in an igloo” by Corey Koskie
“F!@# Plate Discipline” by Shea Hillenbrand
“You’ve been Koched” by former Blue Jays Starting Rotation

Devil Rays
“Please Get Me Out of this Hellhole” by Aubrey Huff and Carl Crawford
“Washed-up-San” by Hideo Nomo
“I was the first EVER” by Alex Sanchez

Twins:
“Don’t Eat Me” by Nick Punto
“Sit Down, BIATCH” by Johan Santana
“ACTUAL REAL PLAYER!” by Juan Rincon
“What Do You mean I was a Free Agent?” by Brad Radke
“Soul Patrol” by Torii Hunter, Jacque Jones, and Shannon Stewart
“The Comprehensive Generic First Person Shooter Strategy Guide” by Lew Ford

White Sox
“Life on the DL” by Frank Thomas
“Where did my baserunners go?” by Ozzie Guillen
“I ripped off Billy Beane!” by Jermaine Dye
“I’m here AGAIN?” by Carl Everett

Royals
“You Don’t Know Anybody Else” by Zack Grienke

Indians
“The Best Indians Pitcher EVER: The Rick Vaughn Story” by Bob Uecker
“How I Ruined Everybody’s Fantasy Baseball” by Victor Martinez with foreword by Eric Chavez
“Greatest Baseball Names” by Coco Crisp
“Gone in One at Bat” by Juan Gonzalez

Tigers
“The Last 20 Game Loser” by Mike Maroth
“The Chair that made me famous” by Jeremy Bonderman

Athletics
Feature Film: “Pickin’ Machine: the Life and Time of Scott Hatteberg”
“The Next Quote Machine” by Nick Swisher
“Groundhog Day” by Octavio Dotel
“Underhanded” by Chad Bradford
“Jean Seller” by Jeremy Brown
“Situational Awareness” by Eric Byrnes
“How Alyssa Milano Struck Me Out” by Barry Zito

Mariners
“Fluke” by Adrian Beltre
“Yellow Man Can Jump” by Ichiro Suzuki”
“Every Eighth day Eddie” by Eddie Guardato

Texas
“9 Million Dollar Bonus Baby” by Mark Texiera
“How Old Am I?” by Alfonso Soriano

Angels
“Intangibles” by Darin Erstad
“20 Million Dollar Rotting Corpse” by Steve Finley
“Leg Kick” by Francisco Rodriguez

National League
Mets:
“Essential Guide to 1B Defense” by Mike Piazza
“I Managed to Hold on to the Ball!” by Doug Mientkiewicz
“Spelling Bee” by Doug Mietkiewicz
“Map to the Strike Zone” by Victor Zambrano. Japanese Translation by Kaz Ishii
“I Ran Before I Walked” by Jose Reyes
“Respect” by Pedro Martinez
”Who IS Karim Garcia? I really don’t know.” by Pedro Martinez
“Family Tree” by Pedro Martinez
“Chicks Dig the Longball” by Tom Glavine

Braves:
“Political Correctness” – John Rocker
“We be Clubbin’ ” by Andruw Jones
“The Essential Guide to Hooter’s Waitresses” by Chipper “Larry Wayne” Jones
“Back In My Day” by Julio Franco

Phillies:
“Underachievers” by Phillies 2004 Roster

Marlins:
“Those Pesky Homos” by Todd Jones

Cardinals:
Film: “Playstation Lineup – Analysis of the Cardinals Offense”
“Pine Tar” by Julian Tavarez
“Whining” by Scott Rolen
“Scrappy White Guy” by David Eckstein, Craig Counsell, and Scott Podsednik

Cubs
“DL Aces” by Mark Prior and Kerry Wood
”I’m the GOOD one” by Carlos Zambrano
“Being Mia Hamm’s Wife” by Nomar Garciaparra
“101 Ways to Torture Steve Bartman” by Cub Fans
“Replacement Level” by Neifi Perez and Jose Macias
“Glasses” by Greg Maddux

Astros
“Headhunting” by Roger Clemens
“Retirement Comebacks” by Roger Clemens
“Pass” by Jeff Bagwell

Reds
”How to make Fireworks” by Eric Milton
“How I gave Larry Bowa whiplash” by Eric Milton
“The Human Fan” by Adam Dunn and Mark Bellhorn
“Going Back to Vietnam” by Danny Graves

Dodgers
“Platoon” by Hee Seop Choi
“Small Sample Size” by Hee Seop Choi
“The Collapse Inning” the Derek Lowe
“Anger Management” by Milton Bradley
“The Pronounciation is FRENCH!” by Eric Gagne
“That Time Didn’t Count” by Eric Gagne
“The Career Threatening Broken Finger Nail” by J. D. Drew

Diamondbacks
“Automatic Out” by Royce Clayton

Giants
“The Benefits of Flaxeed Oil” by Barry Bonds
“Do It Yourself IV’s” by Barry Bonds with foreword by Jose Canseco
“Pitching BP Made Easy” by Kirk Reuter

Rockies
“No It Aint Coors” by Todd Helton
“I’ve Fallen, and I can’t get back up!” by Byun-Hyun Kim

No, Why don't YOU Go Back To Your Trailer Park You White Trash

2005-05-29T04:16:00.000-07:00

Player-Fan Incident Rears Its Ugly Head

That became clear this week when the Reds unceremoniously dumped closer Danny Graves a day after he cursed at a fan and flipped him off.

Should Graves have done that?

Probably not.

Was it understandable after the fan reportedly yelled, "Go back to Vietnam, you slant-eyed (vile epithet)," to the Saigon-born pitcher?
Hell, yes.

Now... Danny Graves is a shitty pitcher. There's no denying that. He's been terrible this year, he wasn't that great before, and he wasn't DFAed (Cut from the team in layman's terms) because he is half Asian.

Is the fan still a douchebag?

Hell yeah.

Also, wrt to this incident, the commentary of Nick Lachey. I'm not sure if he's defending the fan or not, but the title of the article is "Reality is, this fan is riled up" but does not mention the racial part of the incident and instead mentions that the release of Graves was unfair.

I'm really quite neutral about the article, I'm just surprised Nick Lachey can read or write. You'd think after having sex with a woman as stupid as Jessica Simpson a man would be rendered illiterate.

Worst. Dialogue. EVER.

2005-05-26T06:52:00.000-07:00

WORST. DIALOGUE. EVER.

I re-wrote the scene where Obi-Wan asks Padme about Anakin's whereabouts IN FIVE MINUTES, and it's got more dramatic flair.

Obi-Wan speaking through comlink: "Yes Master Yoda, the perimeter to Senator Amidala's residence has been secured. What? You want me to send pertinent data to the Tantive IV's database? OK, have Artoo open a socket on the server, I'm starting the questioning now. I'm going off coms, I'll get back to you as soon as we have any information on the whereabouts. Obi-Wan out."

Obi-Wan: "Senator Amidala, where is Anakin?"

Padme: "I don't know where he is..."

Obi-Wan: "When did you see him last?"

Padme: "Yesterday, after the Jedi temple was attacked."

Obi-Wan: "Don't lie to me Padme, I have Jedi powers."

Padme: "I REALLY don't know where he is."

Obi-Wan: "Dammit PADME, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. WHERE IS ANAKIN?" *Shakes her violently*

Padme: "What are you going to do to Anakin?" *sobbing*

Obi-Wan: "Padme, we're going to try to do everything we can to take Anakin in alive. YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME. We can protect you, I have access to the Jedi Master Yoda and Senator Organa, we can make you a deal, create a new identity, and protect you from Palpatine. JUST TELL ME WHERE ANAKIN IS!!!"

Padme *outright crying*: "You're going to hurt him, aren't you?"

*Obi-Wan exits room.*

Obi-Wan *Through comlink*: "Artoo, pull up all pertinent files on Senator Amidala. She's not talking, we need something to use as leverage against her."

Artoo: Beep beep beep beep squiggle beep

Obi-Wan: "What? What do you mean Anakin is the father? Ok, that'll do. Thanks Artoo. I'll get back to you."

*Obi-Wan walks back into room*

Obi-Wan: "Anakin is the father of your unborn twins isn't he? ISN'T HE? Well guess what Padme, if you don't cooperate with us, we'll take away your children once they are born. Do you want your children to grow up without a mother? DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE MOTHERLESS??? DO YOU??? JUST TELL US WHERE ANAKIN IS, AND THIS CAN ALL GO AWAY! EACH SECOND WE WASTE HERE, THE DARK SIDE GETS STRONGER, AND THE SITH WILL NEVER BE STOPPED! TELL ME WHERE ANAKIN IS, AND THIS CAN ALL GO AWAY!"

Padme, tears STREAMING DOWN: "NO, I WILL NEVER BETRAY ANAKIN!"

Obi-Wan *pulls out lightsaber and sticks it by Padme's abdomen*: "ANAKIN KILLED JEDI YOUNGLINGS PADME, YOUNGLINGS! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO THE SAME THING TO YOUR CHILDREN, JUST TELL ME WHERE HE IS!"

Why the Jedi Order was Destroyed

2005-05-19T23:19:00.000-07:00

"Whomever the Gods want to destroy they first call Promising."

The “Old School” way of evaluating the future performance of Jedi Padawans was flawed. The Old Jedi way was to see how run a midi-chlorian count and test the raw force abilities of potential Jedi by performing a series of tests. Never mind what good deeds the Padawan had already ACCOMPLISHED, it didn’t matter, the old Jedi masters thought. Who cared about their behavior as Padawans. What mattered was what he could BECOME, how he PROJECTED in the future. The system had worked for ages. Jedi Masters were built to agree with each other using as many monotonous facial expressions as possible, and not disagree with each other with objective thinking.

The Jedi were presented with this interesting prospect, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker had it all: an incredible midichlorian count, an endorsement from Jedi Hero Qui-Gon Jinn who discovered him in a backwater planet flying Race Pods, a great body, and he had the “good face.” They thought he was fearless and just. They thought he was so good, he could fulfill the prophecies and balance the force and immediately placed him in the Jedi Academy. They thought he was so good, they immediately gave him a huge signing bonus and placed him in the high minors. But they were wrong.

Master Yoda, the last of the “Old Masters”, sensed that there was something wrong. Yoda hypothesized that the best way to project future performance as Jedi was the ability to control the strike zone one’s emotions. The speed and stamina to win lightsabre duels, reflexes when piloting starfighters to dodge enemy fire, those were “Young-Jedi” skills. Master Yoda, despite his incredibly ability to avoid the “aging decline” that plagued many Jedi Masters, knew that his greatest asset as Jedi was his ability to control his emotions enabling him to be embraced by the Force, “Old Jedi” skills if you will. Many Jedi Masters overvalued these “Young Jedi” skills. All aging Jedi are treated as guilty before proven his innoncence, and the great Qui-Gon basically confessed to the crime of aging when he was slain by a young Sith Apprentice named Darth Maul. “Those used to be easy kills, now I just can't handle the stuff of these youngsters, with their double bladed lightsabers and 90 mile sliders”, Qui-Gon’s spirit will tell us in a later interview reminiscing about his declining power.

They knew that Anakin had all the “Young Jedi Skills”, with his incredible piloting and lightsabre skills, but he didn’t have of these “Old Jedi Skills” Master Yoda sought. Many had thought the boy’s makeup could be fixed, but Yoda knew better. Yoda knew that his growing interest with (the hottest Jew on the planet) Senator Amidala, his troubled childhood growing up in a Single Parent family with an abusive slave owner, they were all signs of trouble.

There is an old Jedi Mantra, “you can always recover from the force-sensitive kid you don’t train, you can NEVER recover from the force-sensitive kid you train and fall to the dark side.” And when (dumbass Mets Management) the Evil Emperor Palpatine assigned him to the Jedi Council (prematurely called him up to the Majors too early), he was seduced by the powers of the Dark Side (Dude, it was the 80’s Mets. Everybody on that team was a cokehead.) This move eventually destroyed started the Jedi Purge, the dissolution of the Galactic Senate, and in their darkest hour, destroyed the Planet Alderann with a flawed Superweapon called the Death Star under the command of Grand Moff Tarkin (the Mets then proceded to suck for the next decade, signing big name busts to contract and contract, and in their darkest hour, traded Scott Kazmir for the BAD Zambrano under the advice of Grand Moff Rick Petersen.) It would not be 20 years later where a young kid with potential named Luke Skywalker (David Wright) and his cocky seasoned friend Han Solo (Pedro Martinez) and loyal sidekick Chewbacca (Nelson de la Rosa), led by an old Jedi whom eventually sacrificed himself (Tom Glavine) freed the galaxy from the Darkness, but not before facing the trials, tribulations, and darkness of a Young Jedi (being a Mets Prospect.)

BANANA CAMP

2005-05-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well, my summer job has finally materialized:

BANANA

CAMP

I will be in charge of 10 Banana kids this summer for a month. Comedy ensues. There's also supposed to be 10-15 outright Whities distributed evenly among the 20 10-kid groups, I don't expect any trouble from them. However, I was casually glancing through last year's list, and beside all their innocuous Mandarin Names were their English names and I noticed one that didn't end in "lee" or "Chen" or "Wang". There was this Chinese kids named VAZQUEZ.

We all know when people with last names like Vazquez, Rodriguez, or Buendia, there's nothing but trouble. And we KNOW they all own switchblades.

Also, there will be 20 counseleors, 5 guys and 15 women. (We had a training thing last weekend) While on the surface the sausage to hot dog bun ratio is very good, again, I have to bring in one of my favourite sayings, quantity does not equal quality.

Do you know how STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE it is to have 0 out of 15????? If we choose to model it as a binomial distribution where the possible outcomes are "hot" or "not hot" and P is around 0.5 to 0.7 (The sample IMO is fairly selected from the general female college studnet population), chances of having ZERO out of 15 are Combination (0 out of 15)(p)^0(1-p)^15.

There isn't enough alcohol on this planet for me to be interested in ANY of them. Part of it IS concern that some 6'6 dude with a machete might walk out of a lake and cut me up, but that's only a minor concern. The main reason is still they're fugly.

The End of the GYK Saga

2005-05-09T01:06:00.000-07:00

I took the test today, prolly got 0/30 on her part, but I really don't care. She seriously needs a MRI.

I leave you with this tidbit of genius:

Therefore, virological surveillance can help us to know where the possible source of the virus of this epidemic comes from. In other words, taking specimen is the most important job when you see the patient with infectious diseases in future years and remembered that Dr. CC Kim taught you in the 3rd year of class already.

SHE'S REFERRING TO HERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON! Only two types of people refer to themselves in the 3rd person. Crazy people, and gangster rappers, and trust me, she may have gone to UCLA, but she aint from the Streets of Compton if you know what I mean.

Normally when you see people refer to themselves in the 3rd person, it goes something like this: "Y'all better recognice Fifty Cent (note: silent second f) is all gangsta and no wanksta." (Not an exact quote, made it up as a likely example.)

Greatest. Law. Transcript. Ever.

2005-05-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

The Transcript

At the bottom of the second page...

1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called
her a snitch bitch “hoe.” A “hoe,” of course, is a tool used for
weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar
with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s
response. We have taken the liberty of changing “hoe” to “ho,” a
staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris
raps “You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.”

Well, at least somebody in our race can jump.

2005-05-06T01:56:00.000-07:00

Ichiro!

That aint Kamikaze Tanaka from Major League 2 folks. (One of the most stereotypical characters EVER). It's from the NHK broadcast, so you'll have to endure random Asian sounding syllables while watching this incredibly display of athletic ability from a little yellow man.

Also, on a related tangent, Dennis Haysbert, President Palmer of 24, has actually had the incredibly career distinction of playing a foreign slugging corner outfielder in TWO Baseball movie franchises, if you can believe it. He was Peder Cerrano in the Major League series of movies, and he played Tom Selleck's friend on the Japanese team in that movie. And now he's president of the United States. Go figure.

Random Asian Syllables Are Funny... NOT

2005-05-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Stupid Radio DJ disses Taiwanese Pitcher

On Wednesday, on 1050-ESPN Radio, host Brandon Tierney mocked new Yankee starter Chien-Ming Wang by referring to him by what sounded like "Woo Sang Koo Fing Bok.''

Hey, listen, random Asian-sounding syllables are funny, in the right context. Remember in the Simpsons where Homer takes over that sub and he's supposed to tell the Chinese it was his first day but it ends up being random Asian syllables? THAT was funny.

Btw, this is NOT a cry out for political correctness. This is clearly meant to be a joke, except the joke ISN'T FUNNY. This is a cry for douchebaggery to be wiped off the airwaves.

Grandfather, you have returned!

2005-05-01T08:38:00.000-07:00

The Chinese Sure Know Their Ceremonies

If you've been following the news, you know a douchebag "Taiwanese" politician has gone to China on a "mission of Peace", or what I refer to as "Mission of Acting Frenchlike". I use quotation marks because I really don't know if he's actually is Taiwanese, or just pretends to be Taiwanese so he can get votes. Did I mentino he's ridiculously rich and has been rumoured to beat his wife?

Click on the video link. The video is of him visiting his old Elementary school in China, and the Children have prepared a song and dance video for him. You don't have to know a word of Chinese for this to be funny.

The song is called "Grandfather, you have returned!"

Now that your grandfather has returned, he ain't draggin' his wife-beating ass back here is he?

Like I said before Lian went on his trip, I stated there were only two ways this trip could result in positivity for Taiwan:

He won't come back

or

He can't come back.

This is the DEFINITE Asian definition of "Douchebag of Liberty"

Alias: I Wonder What the Writers are Smoking

2005-04-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

Seriously, where can I get some?

The show is becoming SO UNREALISTIC that you could actually come up with enough reasons not to have relations with a character played by JENNIFER GARNER, who is at least 50 runs above replacement levels and has the added bonus of being "toolsy" and being able to play a different number of "roles".

If I were Vaughn, I would want NOTHING more to do with Sydney, for the simple reason that her family is WAY TOO FUCKED UP.

Let's see...
1) Sydney's aunt stabbed him in the back while he was torturing his ex-wife.
2) Sydney disappeared for 2 years.
3) Since 1978, he has lived with the belief that Sydney's mom, a KGB agent, killed his dad.
4) There is new evidence on the show that his dad died at the hand of Sydney's OTHER aunt, a rogue KGB agent, while saving Sydney's half sister's life.
5) Sydney's dad is an old school CIA agent whom probably doesn't like him and is suffering from radiation poisoning.
6) His boss murdered Sydney's first fiancee and her best friend and installed an evil twin in the latter's place.

That family has some issues.

Counter-Terrorist Petite White Single Female Computer Analyst Wins, BIATCH

2005-04-26T09:23:00.000-07:00

24 Has Done the Impossible. They've really outdone themselves this time.

They've actually managed to make a skinny blonde with a large rifle a giant turnoff for me.

(note: there will be a giant all-inclusive 24 Rant when the season ends. But Yesterday's episode was too funny NOT to say something about.)

Help Think of an Entrance Song for Chin-Hui Tsao!

2005-04-25T02:48:00.000-07:00

Chin-Hui Tsao, the only MLB player born in Taiwan, has recently been promoted to Closer as the Colorado Rockies...

And he needs an entrance theme song.

Mariano Rivera has "Enter Sandman". Rick Vaughn had "Wild Thing." It's time an Asian brother got an equally cool theme song.

All suggestions not by 50 Cent or any other rapper who's been shot 9 times would be welcomed.

Which of the Following is Not True?

2005-04-24T18:45:00.001-07:00

Which of the following is not true?

1) Kim Jong Il is crazy
2) Byun-Hyun Kim is crazy
3) There are no WMD's in Iraq
4) Peter Stein is a giant douchebag of Liberty
5) I'm good at Multiple Choice Questions that start with "Which of teh following is not true"?

Seriously, I SUCK at those questions.

Anybody else here have the same thing?

(Btw, How do I allow anonymous comments?)

Also, I have joined that little Hi5 network or whatever. I may have added some of you.

The Yankees... still suck.

2005-04-24T05:17:00.000-07:00

Jaret Wright headed to the DL.

"Well, the Yankees now officially have a Johnson and a Wang in their rotation."

yankee Fans stabbing themselves.