Whiter than Rice

Monday, September 17, 2007

Theo Epstein Needs to Get Some ATTITUDE and Learn from the WWE

Hey, I'd never ever want Vince McMahon running the Sox, because we'd end up with stupid plotlines like Larry Lucchino faking his own death by blowing up his limo, or allowing things like Jonathan Papelbon taking a dump in Hazel Mae's gym bag, but they call the WWE "Sports Entertainment" for a reason. Because it's damn entertaining.

ideas/Changes:

1) Vince McMahon would never take this sub .400 SLG bullshit from JD Drew. Vince McMahon would walk down to the dressing room and inject JD himself.

2) The whole NESN team fired and replaced with the WWE team. Lillian Garcia is about 20 times hotter than Tina Cervasio, so there's no reason that shouldn't happen. Orsillo is a rambling fool, and JR has a Texas Accent, so Jim Ross wins by default. Jerry the King Lawler I think molested a 15 year old once, so sorry, Remdawg is gone.

Can you imagine the goodness:

"BY GAWD!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! HE JUST SINGLED THROUGH BRIMSTONE AND HELLFIRE TO GIVE THE RED SOX THE LEAD!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!! HE DESTROYED THAT BALL UP THE MIDDLE AS IF GOD HIMSELF CAME DOWN AND SMITED THE TESTICLES OF LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!"

3) Apparently tonight on Raw, Randy Orton fought JOHN CENA'S DAD (you're reading that correctly) with John Cena handcuffed to the ring. And Orton RKO'ed his dad. Maybe Theo can get a roid-raged Giambi to fight Mike Timlin in a cage.The age difference is probably similar and it would be awesome to watch.

4) Francona would be fired.

Gimmicks/Plotlines:

1) Kevin Youkilis as the Kosher Killer. Gabe Kapler would be his sidekick friend.

2) Dustin Pedroia as the Godfather. He needs to come out to every AB with like 5 Hoes. All of them should be taller than he is, and the Fenway speakers should play 80's porno music.

After the games, he'd visit the NESN news booth and slap Hazel Mae in the ass and ask her to perform sexual favours on air. She'd agree and enjoy it. I know I would.

3) Julio Lugo as the Mexican Dream. Of course, when the dream is shattered, he drinks a bottle of tequila and puts his wife through a table.

4) Jacoby vs. Joba: Loser Goes Back to the Reservation Match. There's some tribal feud over sacred burial grounds, and Kyle Lohse is the special guest referee. But they end up finding out Kyle Lohse was the guy who betrayed their tribes to the White Man by polluting their ancestral lands for a 30 mil 4 yer a contract with the Atlanta Braves, so they tag-team together and beat up Kyle Lohse with whiskey bottles and smallpox syringes.

Seriously, the top 3 causes of the Native American Man's Fall: 1) Whiskey 2) Smallpox 3) Kyle Lohse. That man alone basically set his entire people back 10 years.

5) Jonathan Papelbon as Kane. He should burn off his eyebrows, and instead of entering to "Wild Thing", he should enter to the Kane theme song, Fenway should go dark, and there should be fire everywhere.

6) Giambi and Sheffield while on roid rage with Hideki Matsui's help kidnap Okajima and Matsuzaka's wives, threaten to turn them into Japanese Porn Stars and put them through tables. But they tag team with Mike Lowell to rescue them.

7) Manny and Tavarez as a pirate tag-team.

8) Ortiz should drive a limo and run over Clemens and say he "did it for Manny". I don't really care what he did it for, somebody should be running over Clemens anyway.

9) Eric Gagne turns heel, chairshots Papelbon, rips off his Red Sox jersey, reveals a Baltimore Orioles jersey, and joins Eric Bedard and Justin Morneau as the Canadian Legion of Doom.

10) The 0-VORP Squad: Dougie, Hinske, Cora, and Snyder. Singles are for pussies.

11) There Should be a Rival Faction called the "Radical Leftists" consisting of Johan Santana, Scott Kazmir, CC Sabathia, Mark Buerhle, Andy Pettite, Eric Bedard, Chad Gaudin, and Ted Lilly. They dominate the Sox all the time, but then Mike Myers would turn face and come to the Red Sox rescue.

There should also be a sideplot with Javier Lopez wanting to join the leftists and getting rejected because he stinks. The Leftists also try to recruit Okajima, but he turns them down because he cannot betray his reverse platoon splits.

12) The Main Event Venue: Evolution with Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett, and Clay Buccholz.

Clay's finishing move would be smashing a laptop over somebody's head and his catchphrase would be "I STOLE IT FROM POSADA'S SON!!!!"

Note: Yes, we're all burning in hell when we die, receiving crippler-crossfaces for eternity.

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