Jack and Right Wing Conservative Nutjob Beanstalk

I just read the first half Jack and the Beanstalk with my grade 3 tutoring student. When I was walking home, I had an epiphany: the story is actually a reflection of how RIght Wing Conservative Nutjobs have caused some of society's biggest problems.

1. The Economic Hardship of Single-Parent Families.
You don't hear Liberals cutting social programs for single-parent families. Let's just create the worst living conditions for Jack and his mom so that they are as poor as possible so that they only have a cow left. Of course, in real life, Jack and his mom would be disadvantaged minorities living in the inner cities without this supposed "cash cow" to get "magic beans" with. The good ending of this story is that Jack's mom works 2 minimum wage jobs to support her and Jack with until Jack either a) makes it in the NBA b) signs a record deal to join the G-Unit c) wins a spelling bee contest (Spellbound: Great movie). Of course, the more likely ending is that Jack's mom will end up as one of Snoop Doggy Dogg's ho's and Jack will die in a drug/gun/gang related violent tragedy. And it'll all be Grand Theft Auto's fault.

2. Birth Control/A Woman's Right to Choose
Now, I'm not condoning Jack's dad's actions. I mean, dead beat dad, fucked her and left? Douchebag of Liberty. Fuck him. But HAD they been educated about contraceptives and the dangers of STDs/unwanted pregancies, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. (this whole thing reminds me of the Monty Python skit where the Catholic Family has to sell their children because tehy aren't allowed to use contraceptives) And none of that sexual abstinence garbage. You can't TURN OFF the urge to have sex. It is GENETICALLY HARDWIRED. If sexual desire was turned off, THE SPECIES WOULD DIE OUT. Also, Bill Frist makes me ashamed that I'm remotely associated to the medical profession. "Tears can transmit AIDS." HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Or she could have had an abortion done. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want Jack, and that he's just a burden. I don't like abortions, but if she doesn't want and is incapable of taking care of a child, she shoudln't have that child. Fuck the church/culture of life people. My favourite part of the culture of life: most support the death penalty.

3. The sad state of education in North America
What kid is stupid enough to sell a cow for "magic beans"? YOU TRADE THE MILK FOR OTHER FOOD YOU IDIOTIC KID. (I guess all these years of farm subsidies have ruined the farm's ability to actually GROW anything.) If you like meat, you can shoot the cow Napoleon Dynamite style. I do suspect that that specific cow is infected with mad cow, but hey, what do I know. Also, if the mom was at least educated in some trade school of sorts, they wouldn't be in this mess either.

Only an uneducated kid with no problem-solving skills would have made the trade.

No Child Left Behind, indeed.


4. The Lack of Corporate Regulations
Magic beans will guarentee you fortune and a lifetime of financial security! Just like Enron stock! Hello MCI/Worldcom! Hello TYCO executives stealing from it's own companies and screwing hundreds of employees!

Shady corporations like Enron have been using thep romise of "magic beans" to rip off the hard earned cows of employees and investors for too long.

5. The Wealth Gap
The beanstalk is representative of the wealth gap between the have nots and haves. I'm starting to sound like a Communist, but there is a large gap between the rich and the poor. The Rich live high up in the sky with luxurious houses and chickens that lay gold eggs, and the poor live down below with barren farmland and no opportunity up unless they gamble their life savings with "magic beans."

Of course, once you get up the beanstalk, what do you find? A giant guarding the wealth, or the Golden Chicken. The Giant is what I normally refer to as "Rich Upper Class White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Rich Bastards", or in common colloquialism, "The man".

I tell you, I really should stop watching the Daily Show. All that Liberal and Secular Jew controlled media with its love of anal sex is corrupting me.