Whiter than Rice

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Why the Jedi Order was Destroyed

"Whomever the Gods want to destroy they first call Promising."

The “Old School” way of evaluating the future performance of Jedi Padawans was flawed. The Old Jedi way was to see how run a midi-chlorian count and test the raw force abilities of potential Jedi by performing a series of tests. Never mind what good deeds the Padawan had already ACCOMPLISHED, it didn’t matter, the old Jedi masters thought. Who cared about their behavior as Padawans. What mattered was what he could BECOME, how he PROJECTED in the future. The system had worked for ages. Jedi Masters were built to agree with each other using as many monotonous facial expressions as possible, and not disagree with each other with objective thinking.

The Jedi were presented with this interesting prospect, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker had it all: an incredible midichlorian count, an endorsement from Jedi Hero Qui-Gon Jinn who discovered him in a backwater planet flying Race Pods, a great body, and he had the “good face.” They thought he was fearless and just. They thought he was so good, he could fulfill the prophecies and balance the force and immediately placed him in the Jedi Academy. They thought he was so good, they immediately gave him a huge signing bonus and placed him in the high minors. But they were wrong.

Master Yoda, the last of the “Old Masters”, sensed that there was something wrong. Yoda hypothesized that the best way to project future performance as Jedi was the ability to control the strike zone one’s emotions. The speed and stamina to win lightsabre duels, reflexes when piloting starfighters to dodge enemy fire, those were “Young-Jedi” skills. Master Yoda, despite his incredibly ability to avoid the “aging decline” that plagued many Jedi Masters, knew that his greatest asset as Jedi was his ability to control his emotions enabling him to be embraced by the Force, “Old Jedi” skills if you will. Many Jedi Masters overvalued these “Young Jedi” skills. All aging Jedi are treated as guilty before proven his innoncence, and the great Qui-Gon basically confessed to the crime of aging when he was slain by a young Sith Apprentice named Darth Maul. “Those used to be easy kills, now I just can't handle the stuff of these youngsters, with their double bladed lightsabers and 90 mile sliders”, Qui-Gon’s spirit will tell us in a later interview reminiscing about his declining power.

They knew that Anakin had all the “Young Jedi Skills”, with his incredible piloting and lightsabre skills, but he didn’t have of these “Old Jedi Skills” Master Yoda sought. Many had thought the boy’s makeup could be fixed, but Yoda knew better. Yoda knew that his growing interest with (the hottest Jew on the planet) Senator Amidala, his troubled childhood growing up in a Single Parent family with an abusive slave owner, they were all signs of trouble.

There is an old Jedi Mantra, “you can always recover from the force-sensitive kid you don’t train, you can NEVER recover from the force-sensitive kid you train and fall to the dark side.” And when (dumbass Mets Management) the Evil Emperor Palpatine assigned him to the Jedi Council (prematurely called him up to the Majors too early), he was seduced by the powers of the Dark Side (Dude, it was the 80’s Mets. Everybody on that team was a cokehead.) This move eventually destroyed started the Jedi Purge, the dissolution of the Galactic Senate, and in their darkest hour, destroyed the Planet Alderann with a flawed Superweapon called the Death Star under the command of Grand Moff Tarkin (the Mets then proceded to suck for the next decade, signing big name busts to contract and contract, and in their darkest hour, traded Scott Kazmir for the BAD Zambrano under the advice of Grand Moff Rick Petersen.) It would not be 20 years later where a young kid with potential named Luke Skywalker (David Wright) and his cocky seasoned friend Han Solo (Pedro Martinez) and loyal sidekick Chewbacca (Nelson de la Rosa), led by an old Jedi whom eventually sacrificed himself (Tom Glavine) freed the galaxy from the Darkness, but not before facing the trials, tribulations, and darkness of a Young Jedi
(being a Mets Prospect.)

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