PUT DOWN THE PHONE

No, this not about 24.

Apparently, the Mariners want Jon Lester or Johnny Papelbon in a trade for Jeremy Reed.

If you refer to my previous post, it said that I liked Jeremy Reed as a possible Johnny Damon replacement. Well, not at this price. Not for Lester nor Papelbon. Our farm just lost two prospects when we traded for Beckett, so we can't afford to give up Jon Lester for a "maybe" like Jeremy Reed. Of course, Jon Lester isnt' a sure thing either, but homegrown hardthrowing lefties that win AA pitchers of the year don't come often.

I previously liked Jeremy Reed because he was only gonna cost us Matt "shitty goatee and shitty control" Clement, or Brandon "shitty hair, shitty music, and shittier peripherals" Arroyo to get him. Apparently now they want Jon Lester or Jon Papelbon.

I will say this one final time: Unless I see a Peavy/Buherle/Pujols/Santana/Zambrano/Oswalt/Wright/Cabrera/Dunn/Berkman/Harden come back, I will not endorse a Papelbon trade. Oh, and it's Johan, Carlos, David, and Miguel, so dont' get any funky ideas about the shitty version of the players mentioned.

We still need a name for Papelbon. My previous Cervical Intraepithelial Neoplasm Related nicknames have been rejected with much fervor, so we gotta find this guy a nickname. Little Papi is lame.

The newest scuttlebutt I've heard is Coco Crisp for one of the aforementioned shitty starters. (Clement isn't that bad, but he's got a goatee, and goatees are faggoty.)

Coco Crisp would make me very happy. From all accounts, the man put up a +47 UZR at LF last year, and was originally a CF when he started out. (Apparently they moved him to LF because they like Sizemore at CF better). He can hit, and has decent power. His walkrate isn't as good as I'd like it to be, but he can hit doubles.

Here's Coco Crisp's numbers from the last couple of seasons:
.297/.344/.446
.300/.345/.465

Not exactly a terrific discipline guy (a BA heavy OBP), but his SLG is pretty good, and his EXB numbers are fantastic. He also has excellent speed on the basepaths. Oh, Jacob's was a pitcher's park.

If we can get him for a shitty starter (or David Wells, who's not shitty but is old and dirty), I'd be extremely happy. Unfortunately, Mark Shapiro isn't an idiot, and I heard he wants Marte. While a net trade of Renteria for Crisp sounds great, I'd still be pissed if Marte left. I think he'd be an excellent piece of the Red Sox future. If we got Crisp for Marte, it would be a 2 on the "Put down the phone" scale of trade anger.

Edit: I CANNOT believe I forgot to mention the fact that Coco Crisp is quite possibly THE COOLEST BASEBALL NAME EVER. Coco Crisp would probably beat former pitching coach Dick Pole in greatest baseball name ever. It might be cool enough to make Manny want to stay.

Joey Gathright is another name I've heard thrown around. Not much here, classic Nohit McFieldwell CF. I could LIVE with it if he came here and we stuck him in the 9th spot, but we could do better.

Final Note: The PDTP Scale of Transaction Anger
1-2: Please think about what you're doing, weight the pros and cons, and then gently put down the phone - Marte for Crisp - A trade in which we're giving up valuable youth, but the player in return is still young, fairly good, and fills a hole.

3-5: Put down the phone - Manny Ramirez and money for Lasting Milledge (Or other highly rated prospect with no impact player coming back) - A trade in which we're getting poor value, but we do receive useful parts back, cut salary, but downgrade for the present.

6-8: PUT DOWN THE PHONE - Papelbon for anything not previously named, Kevin Millar brought back, signing some other useless geriatric to take away Kevin Youkilis's AB's, etc - Basically anything that doesn't make us any better and negatively impacts the future of the franchise.

8-10: PUT DOWN THE PHONE OR I WILL DESTROY YOU AND YOUR CIVIL UNIONSHIP - Manny Ramirez for Steve Finley, Jon Papelbon for Steve Finley, bringing in Darin Erstad to play at 1B everyday and paying his salary, etc. - Please refer to the THE KAZMIR TRADE