Top 10 Red Sox Moments of 2007

They will be rated by
1) significance - X Ortiz Clutch Hits out of 10
2) Awesomeness - X Papelbon Fistpumps out of 10

(All Images are stolen from BDD or Google)

10. 6 Run 9th inning Walkoff Victory vs. Baltimore Orioles



The essence of this moment: everything that is shitty about the universe coming together to create something awesome.
1) The Baltimore Orioles Bullpen
2) A Julio Lugo Useless Groundball to First base
3) Kevin Millar’s 1B defense

Imagine if Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini got together and decided to start a charity for cancer kids. That’s what this moment was like.

Significance: 5 Clutch Hits out of 10. Awesomeness: 5 Fistpumps out of 10

9. The first game where Eric Hinske did not suck





Hits 2 run dinger, then makes awesome catch

Significance: 5.5/10 Awesomeness: 5/10

8. That second game where Eric Hinske did not suck
9/15/2007 – Beckett outduels Wang for a 10-1 Victory at Fenway.



Eric Hinske destroys Posada at the plate.
Yes, the best thing Eric Hinske did all season consisted of him getting thrown out at home.

Significance: 6/10 Awesomeness: 6.5/10

7. Back-to-Back-to-Back-to-Back



The pitcher victimized: ChXXX WrXXXX. It was unfortunate it wasn’t TyXXX ClXXXXXX, that guy owes me money.

Significance: 5.5/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

6. Okajima’s First Save on St. Patrick’s day


Comes Back from 6-2 deficit, start of season long abuse of Okajima’s Arm. Also starts season long sexual fantasies about Okajima’s wife.

Significance: 6/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

5. With one swing of the bat, JD Drew vanquishes a season full of suck.



Did I mention his son is less retarded than Posada’s son?

Significance: 8/10 Awesomeness: 7/10

4. MANNY-BOMB


That is a very bad man.

Significance: 7/10 Awesomeness: 9/10

3. TACOBY BELLSBURY


With stolen base, Tacoby brings free tacos for America, spreads democracy and freedom to Middle East and defeats the terrorists. Also, that run didn’t score, which pretty much sums up the offense for the year.

Significance: 6.5/10 Awesomeness: 10/10

2. LAPTOP THIEF THROWS NO-HITTER


It should only count for half a no-hitter because it was against the Orioles, but I don’t really give a shit. I didn’t really see much of the game either, because the changeup was so good it made me blind.

Significance: 8/10 Awesomeness: 9/10

1. Lester 1, Cancer 0


Significance: 10/10 Awesomeness: 10/10

Note: To Javier Lopez and Eric Gagne: we may forgive, but we never forget.

Theo Epstein Needs to Get Some ATTITUDE and Learn from the WWE

Hey, I'd never ever want Vince McMahon running the Sox, because we'd end up with stupid plotlines like Larry Lucchino faking his own death by blowing up his limo, or allowing things like Jonathan Papelbon taking a dump in Hazel Mae's gym bag, but they call the WWE "Sports Entertainment" for a reason. Because it's damn entertaining.

ideas/Changes:

1) Vince McMahon would never take this sub .400 SLG bullshit from JD Drew. Vince McMahon would walk down to the dressing room and inject JD himself.

2) The whole NESN team fired and replaced with the WWE team. Lillian Garcia is about 20 times hotter than Tina Cervasio, so there's no reason that shouldn't happen. Orsillo is a rambling fool, and JR has a Texas Accent, so Jim Ross wins by default. Jerry the King Lawler I think molested a 15 year old once, so sorry, Remdawg is gone.

Can you imagine the goodness:

"BY GAWD!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! PEDROIA!!! HE JUST SINGLED THROUGH BRIMSTONE AND HELLFIRE TO GIVE THE RED SOX THE LEAD!!! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!! HE DESTROYED THAT BALL UP THE MIDDLE AS IF GOD HIMSELF CAME DOWN AND SMITED THE TESTICLES OF LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!"

3) Apparently tonight on Raw, Randy Orton fought JOHN CENA'S DAD (you're reading that correctly) with John Cena handcuffed to the ring. And Orton RKO'ed his dad. Maybe Theo can get a roid-raged Giambi to fight Mike Timlin in a cage.The age difference is probably similar and it would be awesome to watch.

4) Francona would be fired.

Gimmicks/Plotlines:

1) Kevin Youkilis as the Kosher Killer. Gabe Kapler would be his sidekick friend.

2) Dustin Pedroia as the Godfather. He needs to come out to every AB with like 5 Hoes. All of them should be taller than he is, and the Fenway speakers should play 80's porno music.

After the games, he'd visit the NESN news booth and slap Hazel Mae in the ass and ask her to perform sexual favours on air. She'd agree and enjoy it. I know I would.

3) Julio Lugo as the Mexican Dream. Of course, when the dream is shattered, he drinks a bottle of tequila and puts his wife through a table.

4) Jacoby vs. Joba: Loser Goes Back to the Reservation Match. There's some tribal feud over sacred burial grounds, and Kyle Lohse is the special guest referee. But they end up finding out Kyle Lohse was the guy who betrayed their tribes to the White Man by polluting their ancestral lands for a 30 mil 4 yer a contract with the Atlanta Braves, so they tag-team together and beat up Kyle Lohse with whiskey bottles and smallpox syringes.

Seriously, the top 3 causes of the Native American Man's Fall: 1) Whiskey 2) Smallpox 3) Kyle Lohse. That man alone basically set his entire people back 10 years.

5) Jonathan Papelbon as Kane. He should burn off his eyebrows, and instead of entering to "Wild Thing", he should enter to the Kane theme song, Fenway should go dark, and there should be fire everywhere.

6) Giambi and Sheffield while on roid rage with Hideki Matsui's help kidnap Okajima and Matsuzaka's wives, threaten to turn them into Japanese Porn Stars and put them through tables. But they tag team with Mike Lowell to rescue them.

7) Manny and Tavarez as a pirate tag-team.

8) Ortiz should drive a limo and run over Clemens and say he "did it for Manny". I don't really care what he did it for, somebody should be running over Clemens anyway.

9) Eric Gagne turns heel, chairshots Papelbon, rips off his Red Sox jersey, reveals a Baltimore Orioles jersey, and joins Eric Bedard and Justin Morneau as the Canadian Legion of Doom.

10) The 0-VORP Squad: Dougie, Hinske, Cora, and Snyder. Singles are for pussies.

11) There Should be a Rival Faction called the "Radical Leftists" consisting of Johan Santana, Scott Kazmir, CC Sabathia, Mark Buerhle, Andy Pettite, Eric Bedard, Chad Gaudin, and Ted Lilly. They dominate the Sox all the time, but then Mike Myers would turn face and come to the Red Sox rescue.

There should also be a sideplot with Javier Lopez wanting to join the leftists and getting rejected because he stinks. The Leftists also try to recruit Okajima, but he turns them down because he cannot betray his reverse platoon splits.

12) The Main Event Venue: Evolution with Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett, and Clay Buccholz.

Clay's finishing move would be smashing a laptop over somebody's head and his catchphrase would be "I STOLE IT FROM POSADA'S SON!!!!"

Note: Yes, we're all burning in hell when we die, receiving crippler-crossfaces for eternity.

Supposed to link this

http://www.im.tv/vlog/personal/1459536/2447590

Hey, if a pretty girl says it's good, then it must be awesome.

紅襪FAQ - 版上用語, 棒球用語，版史

XXX sucks
當你覺得某球員打的很爛的時候，就可以罵一句XXX sucks. 這是一個紅襪球迷最基本需要的用詞.

XXX球員的歷年成績? XXX比賽發生什麼事情? XXX跟XXX的對戰成績?
Baseball-reference.com Retrosheet.org ESPN.com 有split.
不要在問了. 都不行試看看Wikipedia. (還會有版上人才出一篇"有用紅襪網站"

DFA –
DFA的意思是”designated for assignment”. 如果一位資深球員打的太爛球隊不要了，球隊除了release以外也可以把他DFA. DFA就是下放小聯盟… 然後15天內如果有別的球隊想要撿他的話可以直接撿起來. 15天內沒人要球員可以選擇下放小聯盟，或者要球球隊放他走人.

Replacement Level – 字面上是 “路上找一個來都打的比較好” 其實Replacement level是有一個定義的，好像是League Average的幾個deviation以外… 不重要. 有個數據是VORP, or value over replacement level, 是用”runs”來做單位，而且只評估攻擊數據. 0分的球員是剛剛好replacement level, 就是隨便AAA叫一上來都一樣. 分數是負的表示你已經below replacement level. 這時候你就可以罵一句XXX sucks, he is below replacement level.

Mendoza Line
Mario Mendoza是一位守備很好但是打擊不太行的游擊手. Mendoza line代表是打擊率2成: 大部分聽到是會提的是 “Mendoza line保衛戰”
Addendum: Hancock line
Josh Hancock是一位最近車禍過世的紅雀投手，待過紅襪.. 他車禍的時候血液濃度是.157. 這就變成國外鄉民所定義的 “Hancock line”. 用法可以自己發揮

紅襪球隊又什麼天敵?
能把球放靠近好球帶的任何左撇子. 等級不分，從Johan Santana到Scott Kazmir都怕. 最怕的是Ted Lilly. Chacin也變成紅襪天敵.

紅襪球員會得癌症?
是的，但是紅襪球員得癌症都不會死. 因為有隔壁版的沒誠意祝福，他們化學治療會變的特別有效. (Mike Lowell是testicular cancer的survivor, Jon Lester是lymphoma)

為什麼紅襪球迷在紐約很危險?
因為你當時在辦事的大樓會莫名其妙有洋機投手開飛機撞

我在Star movie台看過紅襪的電影是不是? 男女主角是誰啊?
那部電影叫做Fever Pitch. Farrelly Brothers拍的 (他們比較有名的電影是There’s Something about Mary). 女主角是Drew Barrymore. 可以用字面上的 “replacement level”來形容. 男主角是Jimmy Fallon, 他原本是SNL的演員. 他是個偽裝的紅襪迷，因為他其實是個洋機迷. 他在SNL的時候常常台詞搞錯然後會莫名其妙笑起來把整個skit 搞爛，然後他拍的片都是爛片.

常看到”I’m XXXXX, Bitch!”? 是怎樣啊?
最原本的用法是 “I’m Rick James, bitch!”, 是黑人搞笑大師Dave Chapelle模仿Rick James (磕很多藥的黑人歌手)用的經點台詞. 2005年春訓的時候, Julian Tavarez扁了當時在魔鬼魚的Joey Gathright一拳, 然後tavarez.ytmnd.com 就出了一句台詞:

I’M JULIAN TAVAREZ, BITCH!

自從以後，只要紅襪球員當天有好的表現，偶爾會版名改成 “I’m XXXXX, BITCH, 來表揚當天的表現.

怎麼常常提到蛇?
Snakes on a Plane, 或者中文翻譯 “飛機上有蛇”, 是2006年暑假黑人動作片明星Samuel L Jackson的電影. 劇情是Samuel Jackson是一位FBI的探員，要護送一位證人從夏威夷到LA. 但是壞人(韓國幫派，請不要懷疑) 在這台飛機上放了300之毒蛇, 希望把飛機上的人全部殺死，然後飛機墜落.

在棒球版的用法是, 哪裡有蛇，就是哪裡是球隊的爛攤子或弱點. 當球迷忍受不住的時候，他就會喊一句電影台詞:

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT, WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES, ON THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!

為什麼DOUGIE IS GOING DEEP TONIGHT? 他不是不常出場嗎?
如果他天天出場的話他的成績會是375 72 Hr's 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K'S.
為什麼呢? 一壘安打是給娘砲打的!!!

為什麼我們要喊口號? 而且常是塔瓦雷資美聯賽洋獎, 還要推齊?

喊口號這個東西是台灣綜藝節目 “全民大悶鍋”所來的，在裡面有個單元是對岸某兩岸關係政府部門的記者會裡，最後張民清部長都會要求所有的記者喊口號.

我們紅襪版的口號常常是塔瓦雷資美聯賽洋獎!, 因為大寶雖然是第五先發，常常遇到對方的賽洋獎投手(Santana, Halladay, etc.). 但是最近紅襪這些比賽反而不會輸得很慘，所以為了鼓舞版上的士氣，就決定大家喊口號，為我們的大寶加油.

我怎麼記得以前版主不是這些人?
自從2004年來，紅襪總共有7個版主. 幹，陳水扁八年來都沒換那麼多行政部長. 這件事只能肯定PTT鄉民的能力，他們幹掉版主比立法院幹調內閣的能力還要高.

我在別的版上看到過什麼10大洋機紅襪PTT衝突記錄? 那是發生什麼事情?
不要理他，那是一個自以為中立時間太多的人才寫的垃圾文. 我也時間很多，但是我不會自以為中立誤導別人.

為什麼PTT上有那麼多球員上來波文章?
跟上一題答案有點像: PTT上很多時間太多的人才.

紅襪版FAQ - 靠紅襪吃飯的人

1. 誰是CHB?
CHB是Curly Haired Boyfriend 的簡寫，他是指Boston體育記者Dan Shaungnessy. CHB這個代號是前紅襪外野手Carl Everett (對他不需要知道太多… he’s a crazy person 就夠了) 取的. Dan Shaunessy 寫了一本書: The Curse of the Bambino. 他一定要提魔咒這件事. 差點因為2004年World Series沒工作，因為這個他編出來的魔咒被迫了，但是他實在是很厲害，可以繼續留下來寫他的垃圾文，而且還很多人看.

2. 誰是Peter Gammons?
Peter Gammons是ESPN的記者. 他主要的工作是報球員轉會的rumour (在ptt上會用 “乳摸” 這兩個字). 幾乎他報的都不會成…但是有成的他幾乎都有報到. 運動家GM Billy Beane很信. 前一段時間中風. 他去年進了名人堂.

3. 誰是Robothal?
Robothal是Fox Sports的 Ken Rosenthal, 他也是報乳摸類新聞的記者. 他幾乎是個機器人, 天天都有新聞張. The hardest working man in sports journalism.

4. 誰是Joe Morgan?
Joe Morgan是 ESPN Baseball tonight的colour man, 是名人堂的二壘手. 他愛smallball 跟 run manufacturing, 還有他認為Moneyball是Billy Beane寫的.

5. 誰是Tim McCarver?
Tim McCarver是Fox的Colourman, 以前是大聯盟捕手. 有一次在電視上給Jeter口交

6. 為什麼大家那麼怕Scott Boras?
Scott Boras是一位大聯盟球員經紀人. 他功力最強是在選秀跟自由球員市場上，能幫忙球員拿到最大的簽約金跟合約. 我們跟他常打交道 松版，隊長，都是他的客戶. 基本上你不給他想要的條件，他就會搞你屁眼. 但是他的條件通常都跟搞屁眼沒兩樣，所以跟他打交道最好的方法就是乖乖的把褲子脫掉往前彎撿肥皂, 這樣大家都省時間跟精力.

7. 台灣有個記者很愛寫紅襪的新聞是不是?
沒錯! 他叫許昭彥. 他是聯合的記者. UDN.com上有他的文章. 可以去參考一下. 如果看完你對他的文章有強烈的認同的話，恭喜: 你可以往你最近的窗戶跳出去.

8. NESN 是什麼小? 為什麼有時候紅襪比賽莫名其妙兩個主撥會笑個不停?

NESN是New England Sports Network, 是專門報New England球隊的有線電視台. 最注重的球隊除了紅襪以外有Boston Bruins, Boston Celtics, New England Patriots, 還有附近大學的體育活動.

紅襪的主撥是Don Orsillo, Colourman 是Jerry Remy. Jerry Remy是紅襪以前的二壘手，生涯有7支全壘打. 他會在撥球賽的時候推銷你去買他代言或他自己公司的產品. 最常提到的就是他的熱狗店.

Tina Cervasio是在NESN球場內訪問球員的記者. 他是個正妹

Pre-game show是Hazel Mae負責. 有人覺得他很正，他以前在加拿大的Sportsnet報早上的體育新聞跟藍鳥的特別節目. 基本上我覺得他的聲音很討厭.

大家有空可以去google一下: Martine Gaillard, Jody Vance, Jennifer Hedger, 跟 Erin Andrews. 前面三位是加拿大的體育記者，Erin Andrews是ESPN的. 四個都很正.

紅襪版FAQ - 老朋友篇

1. 為什麼全聯盟沒人喜歡Shea Hillenbrand?
因為他是一個自以為是個明星球員但是完全沒有價值的廢物. 他在紅襪的時候上了收音機罵了theo Epstein “faggot”. 他從紅襪到響尾蛇，藍鳥，巨人，現在在天使. 每一站大家都賭爛，因為他實在是太機掰了.

2. 誰是關鍵時刻投的最差的投手?
韓國同胞金炳賢. (請參考2001年WS, 2003年ALDS, 2006年WBC等)
(2003年他沒來我們倒是進不了Playoffs. 還有他最後給Fenway的球迷中指看… 然後就走了)

3. 版上有個DLowe大? 他好像是個球員是不是?
DLowe是Derek Lowe, 紅襪的投手. 他本來是水手的prospect, 跟隊長同時交換來的. 他是個sinkerballer, 本來在牛棚，後來轉先發.
2004年被打爆，大家都很幹，但是最後在季後賽作了英雄，三場淘汰賽都是他拿勝投. 那年結束後去了LA Dodgers. 還有他把他老婆丟了去搞個體育記者.

4. Dave Roberts? 我有去查他的成績, 只有待一下下而已，為什麼大家常常提到他?
http://bostondirtdogs.boston.com/DR_10.17_WS_bgsg.jpg

5. Mueller? Miller? Millar?
Bill Mueller是紅襪2003-2005的三壘手, 2003AL 年打擊王, 2004年季後賽把上一題那分打回來.

Wade Miller在2005年只投了91局, 本來是太空人的promising RHP, 後來就爛了

Kevin Millar: 上一題的那一分是他保送上壘的. 基本上他不會跑不會接不會丟. 在一壘是對別的內野手的累贅, 在外野基本上是個錯誤示範教科書. 他倒是很有power… warning track power. 還有他自以為他是一個cowboy. 常常叫隊友要”cowboy up.” 其實他只會cowbay.

6. 常常聽人說紅襪很會廢物利用, 為什麼?
因為Kevin Millar是個廢物，然後我們用了很久.

7. 紅襪有叛徒跟內奸?
紅襪這幾年的第一叛徒是Johnny Damon. 在2002年以自由球員的身份加入紅襪. 2004年因為他留了長頭髮跟鬍子打下了優異成績, 尤其是在ALCS Game 7幹了一砲滿灌，當時當場變成全國性的pop culture icon. 當年10月份上了Saturday Night Live. (例子: Veronica在戲裡是Damon的球迷，然後House MD裡的Cameron希望Damon給他個foot massage). 他還寫了一本書叫做”Idiot”.

2004年球季結束時他取了第二妻Michelle Damon. 他是一位亞裔女性，有段時間在NESN有自己的節目. 他胸部很大，不知道是真的還假的.

2005年球季結束以後Damon合約到期，因為紅襪高層怕一位中外野手的decline phase 很恐怖，不敢給太久或太大的合約，所以給了一個40/4的合約 (跟Varitek的一樣). Damon結果跑到隔壁洋機，收了一份52/4 的合約. 大家賭爛的原因是因為他講過一句話:

“I could never play for the Yankees”… 反正就是差不多那類型的豪小.

紅襪在洋機這幾年很多內奸: 這些球員都是在紅襪貢獻很多，然後爛了，不要了，被洋機撿走，然後擺爛. 這些球員包括:
2B Mark Bellhorn: (2004年季後賽幹了一堆關鍵砲… 是一個Three True Outcomes類型的球員. 他臉上留了一個goatee. 2005年被紅襪DFA後去洋機… 打的很爛)
RP Mike Myers: 左投下勾. 其實平常投的不錯，但是他都被派上來投老爹… 效果不是很好
RP Tom Gordon: 以前紅襪重用的投手，2004年到了洋機. Playoffs被紅襪打爛
1B Doug Mientkiewicz: 除了金手套防守跟不還球的故事以外，在紅襪沒有待很久. 現在在洋機是個扮演後半段棒次出局數的角色.

8. 以前是不是有個游擊很強? Nomar是不是? 跑到哪裡去了?
Nomar Garciaparra是90年代後跟2000年代最紅的紅襪野手. 他是個all-star SS, 常常跟A-Rod跟Jeter比. 在2004年因為受傷，合約，跟守備範圍減少等等因素被交易掉，換了Orlando Cabrera跟Doug Mientkiewicz來. 當初換的時候大家都罵的很慘，贏了World Series以後又說換的好.

Note: Jeter/A-Rod/Garciaparra 現在只剩Jeter守游擊.

他的老婆是美國女子足球隊國腳Mia Hamm. 是個正妹

9. 紅襪以前有個投手有個band是不是?
Bronson Arroyo現在是紅人的先發，投的成績不錯. 他的投球成績比他的音樂好

10. Mark Loretta跟老爹的打球風格差別最多在哪裡?

老爹跑得比較快

11. Pedro Martinez很有名是不是?
他在紅襪的時候是上帝的右手，然後很喜歡用那個右手往他不爽的人拿球丟. 他的右手還把一個80幾歲的老頭摔到地上過. 現在在大都會.

12. Who is Karim Garcia?
I don’t know who he is.

Save a Horse, Ride a Taiwanese?

Another one goes under the "What the Fuck" category.

Seriously, Taiwanese People don't eat horses, we don't even HAVE fucking horses.

Blame THESE people instead:

Ow ow back ow

Yeah

Psycho Bitches That Go Into YOUR Work

I'm sure many of you here work/have worked in retail. I have read many of your stories. This will probably rank among up there.

This morning, this 25 year old Asian chick walks in. She is TINY. I look at her arms. I swear to god this bitch is anorexic.

Anyways, I drag her to an exam room, and I ask her why she has visited our out-patient department today.

The next three minutes of my life I may never get back, but I will also never forget.

"I want to know what the hell went wrong with my laser procedure for my skin... The other Doctor from the place I got the laser thing from that did it was like 'oh, there will be no redness after the laser takes away all my spots from my cheeks, but it's been a month, and it's still red! He gave me this cream for it, I used it for 3 days, but it didn't go away, so I went to see this other Doctor, and he gave this other this other cream, I've been using it ever since, and it still doesn't work. I want to know what the hell went wrong with my laser procedure!"

(Don't worry if you didn't understand that last paragraph, I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about either)

*All this while, I'm staring at her face, and I couldn't figure out WHAT THE FUCK she was talking about. The only thing wrong I could figure out was that she was ugly*

Me: "Um... so what area of the face was the procedure done?"

UPB (For Ugly Psycho Bitch): "I got the dye laser over the left cheek. They didn't do it my right cheek. See the spots on my right cheek? They used the laser to get rid of them on the left. And now my left is all red!"

*Knowing this is not going to turn out good, I'm FURIOUSLY comparing the left and right. They both look the same to me. Quite frankly, this nutjob has better skin than I do*

While I'm struggling for words, this is the kicker quote of the day:

UPB: "CAN YOU SEE [the changes] OR NOT?"

In a very un-me fashion, I replied with the following:
"Miss (can't remember what the woman's last name was), I'm sorry, I really can't tell the difference, I'm a student, I just got here, and my knowledge of cosmetic dermatology procedures is not very extensive. If you please wait outside for a moment, I will organize your history and physical findings, and then my supervising Doctor will see you."

And then I did my paperwork thing, all the while rolling my eyes.

When my supervisor finally saw her:
Supervisor: "Your face looks fine."
UPB: "Can I laser it again to fix the redness?"
Supervisor: "Sometimes cosmetic medicine can only do so much. ONce you hit a certain point, the positive effects are no longer visible, only side effects become visible."

Translation: You're too ugly to fix, and I'm too lazy to get you a psych referral.

I take solace in the fact that some other less-ethical Doctor will lie to her and get her to hand a shitload of money to get some other invisible laser surgery.

Did I mention she was unemployed?

Meh.

There was a bit of fun today though:

18 year old comes in with HAIR-LOSS:

Me: Any family history of hair loss or skin diseases?
The kid's dad: *points at own head*
*I nod in silence*

I May Hate Children, But Sometimes It's Really Not Their Fault

On Friday Morning, I had the wonderful experience of seeing Audrey, a two year-old-girl with intermittent left eye deviation to the temporal side. There were a bunch of patients we could choose from, but I got her because everybody went "Hey Tony, the name on the patient chart is English instead of Chinese, she must be Foreign, you take this one!"

Anyhoo, the kid wasn't actually White, but was American. Dad was Taiwanese, Mom was a Honger. So I spoke Mandarin to the dad while I spoke English to the mom.

I won't bore you with medical details, because they were really really boring. Opthalmology just generally blows.

Our department head's instructions that morning were to "take a detailed history, leave the physical and local findings to me". So I did that.

Of course, when the Department Head (he's this old balding fat guy) tried to examine the eye, the little girl started crying like there was no tomorrow. He tried to sweet-talk the little girl, tried to have her grab the examination scope to prove it's harmlessness, nothing. Then they tried getting her to take pupil-dilation drops for a fundus examination, she started crying even louder.

The problem in the end wasn't that serious, our department head told them to come back for a follow up session. (they SAY they're coming back next year when they come back to Taiwan from the USA, but everybody lies.)

Maybe I should have said something... but seeing how I'm in Asia, it was a good idea that I didn't. It's HIS fault that he couldn't figure out that the kid DOESN'T SPEAK MANDARIN. The kid's parents speak English to her, while the grandmother (mom's side) speak Cantonese to her.

If I were a 2 year-old-girl with some fat old strange Asian guy speaking some weird gibberish at me while flashing a bright light in my eye, I'd fucking cry too.

I did say something to the mom as they left:
"Don't blame Audrey, I have the same reaction whenever I see our department head too."