Whiter than Rice

Sunday, May 29, 2005

No, Why don't YOU Go Back To Your Trailer Park You White Trash

Player-Fan Incident Rears Its Ugly Head

That became clear this week when the Reds unceremoniously dumped closer Danny Graves a day after he cursed at a fan and flipped him off.

Should Graves have done that?

Probably not.

Was it understandable after the fan reportedly yelled, "Go back to Vietnam, you slant-eyed (vile epithet)," to the Saigon-born pitcher?
Hell, yes.

Now... Danny Graves is a shitty pitcher. There's no denying that. He's been terrible this year, he wasn't that great before, and he wasn't DFAed (Cut from the team in layman's terms) because he is half Asian.

Is the fan still a douchebag?

Hell yeah.

Also, wrt to this incident, the commentary of Nick Lachey. I'm not sure if he's defending the fan or not, but the title of the article is "Reality is, this fan is riled up" but does not mention the racial part of the incident and instead mentions that the release of Graves was unfair.

I'm really quite neutral about the article, I'm just surprised Nick Lachey can read or write. You'd think after having sex with a woman as stupid as Jessica Simpson a man would be rendered illiterate.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Worst. Dialogue. EVER.


I re-wrote the scene where Obi-Wan asks Padme about Anakin's whereabouts IN FIVE MINUTES, and it's got more dramatic flair.

Obi-Wan speaking through comlink: "Yes Master Yoda, the perimeter to Senator Amidala's residence has been secured. What? You want me to send pertinent data to the Tantive IV's database? OK, have Artoo open a socket on the server, I'm starting the questioning now. I'm going off coms, I'll get back to you as soon as we have any information on the whereabouts. Obi-Wan out."

Obi-Wan: "Senator Amidala, where is Anakin?"

Padme: "I don't know where he is..."

Obi-Wan: "When did you see him last?"

Padme: "Yesterday, after the Jedi temple was attacked."

Obi-Wan: "Don't lie to me Padme, I have Jedi powers."

Padme: "I REALLY don't know where he is."

Obi-Wan: "Dammit PADME, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. WHERE IS ANAKIN?" *Shakes her violently*

Padme: "What are you going to do to Anakin?" *sobbing*

Obi-Wan: "Padme, we're going to try to do everything we can to take Anakin in alive. YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME. We can protect you, I have access to the Jedi Master Yoda and Senator Organa, we can make you a deal, create a new identity, and protect you from Palpatine. JUST TELL ME WHERE ANAKIN IS!!!"

Padme *outright crying*: "You're going to hurt him, aren't you?"

*Obi-Wan exits room.*

Obi-Wan *Through comlink*: "Artoo, pull up all pertinent files on Senator Amidala. She's not talking, we need something to use as leverage against her."

Artoo: Beep beep beep beep squiggle beep

Obi-Wan: "What? What do you mean Anakin is the father? Ok, that'll do. Thanks Artoo. I'll get back to you."

*Obi-Wan walks back into room*

Obi-Wan: "Anakin is the father of your unborn twins isn't he? ISN'T HE? Well guess what Padme, if you don't cooperate with us, we'll take away your children once they are born. Do you want your children to grow up without a mother? DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO BE MOTHERLESS??? DO YOU??? JUST TELL US WHERE ANAKIN IS, AND THIS CAN ALL GO AWAY! EACH SECOND WE WASTE HERE, THE DARK SIDE GETS STRONGER, AND THE SITH WILL NEVER BE STOPPED! TELL ME WHERE ANAKIN IS, AND THIS CAN ALL GO AWAY!"



Thursday, May 19, 2005

Why the Jedi Order was Destroyed

"Whomever the Gods want to destroy they first call Promising."

The “Old School” way of evaluating the future performance of Jedi Padawans was flawed. The Old Jedi way was to see how run a midi-chlorian count and test the raw force abilities of potential Jedi by performing a series of tests. Never mind what good deeds the Padawan had already ACCOMPLISHED, it didn’t matter, the old Jedi masters thought. Who cared about their behavior as Padawans. What mattered was what he could BECOME, how he PROJECTED in the future. The system had worked for ages. Jedi Masters were built to agree with each other using as many monotonous facial expressions as possible, and not disagree with each other with objective thinking.

The Jedi were presented with this interesting prospect, Anakin Skywalker. Anakin Skywalker had it all: an incredible midichlorian count, an endorsement from Jedi Hero Qui-Gon Jinn who discovered him in a backwater planet flying Race Pods, a great body, and he had the “good face.” They thought he was fearless and just. They thought he was so good, he could fulfill the prophecies and balance the force and immediately placed him in the Jedi Academy. They thought he was so good, they immediately gave him a huge signing bonus and placed him in the high minors. But they were wrong.

Master Yoda, the last of the “Old Masters”, sensed that there was something wrong. Yoda hypothesized that the best way to project future performance as Jedi was the ability to control the strike zone one’s emotions. The speed and stamina to win lightsabre duels, reflexes when piloting starfighters to dodge enemy fire, those were “Young-Jedi” skills. Master Yoda, despite his incredibly ability to avoid the “aging decline” that plagued many Jedi Masters, knew that his greatest asset as Jedi was his ability to control his emotions enabling him to be embraced by the Force, “Old Jedi” skills if you will. Many Jedi Masters overvalued these “Young Jedi” skills. All aging Jedi are treated as guilty before proven his innoncence, and the great Qui-Gon basically confessed to the crime of aging when he was slain by a young Sith Apprentice named Darth Maul. “Those used to be easy kills, now I just can't handle the stuff of these youngsters, with their double bladed lightsabers and 90 mile sliders”, Qui-Gon’s spirit will tell us in a later interview reminiscing about his declining power.

They knew that Anakin had all the “Young Jedi Skills”, with his incredible piloting and lightsabre skills, but he didn’t have of these “Old Jedi Skills” Master Yoda sought. Many had thought the boy’s makeup could be fixed, but Yoda knew better. Yoda knew that his growing interest with (the hottest Jew on the planet) Senator Amidala, his troubled childhood growing up in a Single Parent family with an abusive slave owner, they were all signs of trouble.

There is an old Jedi Mantra, “you can always recover from the force-sensitive kid you don’t train, you can NEVER recover from the force-sensitive kid you train and fall to the dark side.” And when (dumbass Mets Management) the Evil Emperor Palpatine assigned him to the Jedi Council (prematurely called him up to the Majors too early), he was seduced by the powers of the Dark Side (Dude, it was the 80’s Mets. Everybody on that team was a cokehead.) This move eventually destroyed started the Jedi Purge, the dissolution of the Galactic Senate, and in their darkest hour, destroyed the Planet Alderann with a flawed Superweapon called the Death Star under the command of Grand Moff Tarkin (the Mets then proceded to suck for the next decade, signing big name busts to contract and contract, and in their darkest hour, traded Scott Kazmir for the BAD Zambrano under the advice of Grand Moff Rick Petersen.) It would not be 20 years later where a young kid with potential named Luke Skywalker (David Wright) and his cocky seasoned friend Han Solo (Pedro Martinez) and loyal sidekick Chewbacca (Nelson de la Rosa), led by an old Jedi whom eventually sacrificed himself (Tom Glavine) freed the galaxy from the Darkness, but not before facing the trials, tribulations, and darkness of a Young Jedi
(being a Mets Prospect.)

Sunday, May 15, 2005


Well, my summer job has finally materialized:



I will be in charge of 10 Banana kids this summer for a month. Comedy ensues. There's also supposed to be 10-15 outright Whities distributed evenly among the 20 10-kid groups, I don't expect any trouble from them. However, I was casually glancing through last year's list, and beside all their innocuous Mandarin Names were their English names and I noticed one that didn't end in "lee" or "Chen" or "Wang". There was this Chinese kids named VAZQUEZ.

We all know when people with last names like Vazquez, Rodriguez, or Buendia, there's nothing but trouble. And we KNOW they all own switchblades.

Also, there will be 20 counseleors, 5 guys and 15 women. (We had a training thing last weekend) While on the surface the sausage to hot dog bun ratio is very good, again, I have to bring in one of my favourite sayings, quantity does not equal quality.

Do you know how STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE it is to have 0 out of 15????? If we choose to model it as a binomial distribution where the possible outcomes are "hot" or "not hot" and P is around 0.5 to 0.7 (The sample IMO is fairly selected from the general female college studnet population), chances of having ZERO out of 15 are Combination (0 out of 15)(p)^0(1-p)^15.

There isn't enough alcohol on this planet for me to be interested in ANY of them. Part of it IS concern that some 6'6 dude with a machete might walk out of a lake and cut me up, but that's only a minor concern. The main reason is still they're fugly.

Monday, May 09, 2005

The End of the GYK Saga

I took the test today, prolly got 0/30 on her part, but I really don't care. She seriously needs a MRI.

I leave you with this tidbit of genius:

Therefore, virological surveillance can help us to know where the possible source of the virus of this epidemic comes from. In other words, taking specimen is the most important job when you see the patient with infectious diseases in future years and remembered that Dr. CC Kim taught you in the 3rd year of class already.

SHE'S REFERRING TO HERSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON! Only two types of people refer to themselves in the 3rd person. Crazy people, and gangster rappers, and trust me, she may have gone to UCLA, but she aint from the Streets of Compton if you know what I mean.

Normally when you see people refer to themselves in the 3rd person, it goes something like this: "Y'all better recognice Fifty Cent (note: silent second f) is all gangsta and no wanksta." (Not an exact quote, made it up as a likely example.)

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Greatest. Law. Transcript. Ever.

The Transcript

At the bottom of the second page...

1 The trial transcript quotes Ms. Hayden as saying Murphy called
her a snitch bitch “hoe.” A “hoe,” of course, is a tool used for
weeding and gardening. We think the court reporter, unfamiliar
with rap music (perhaps thankfully so), misunderstood Hayden’s
response. We have taken the liberty of changing “hoe” to “ho,” a
staple of rap music vernacular as, for example, when Ludacris
raps “You doin’ ho activities with ho tendencies.”

Friday, May 06, 2005

Well, at least somebody in our race can jump.


That aint Kamikaze Tanaka from Major League 2 folks. (One of the most stereotypical characters EVER). It's from the NHK broadcast, so you'll have to endure random Asian sounding syllables while watching this incredibly display of athletic ability from a little yellow man.

Also, on a related tangent, Dennis Haysbert, President Palmer of 24, has actually had the incredibly career distinction of playing a foreign slugging corner outfielder in TWO Baseball movie franchises, if you can believe it. He was Peder Cerrano in the Major League series of movies, and he played Tom Selleck's friend on the Japanese team in that movie. And now he's president of the United States. Go figure.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Random Asian Syllables Are Funny... NOT

Stupid Radio DJ disses Taiwanese Pitcher

On Wednesday, on 1050-ESPN Radio, host Brandon Tierney mocked new Yankee starter Chien-Ming Wang by referring to him by what sounded like "Woo Sang Koo Fing Bok.''

Hey, listen, random Asian-sounding syllables are funny, in the right context. Remember in the Simpsons where Homer takes over that sub and he's supposed to tell the Chinese it was his first day but it ends up being random Asian syllables? THAT was funny.

Btw, this is NOT a cry out for political correctness. This is clearly meant to be a joke, except the joke ISN'T FUNNY. This is a cry for douchebaggery to be wiped off the airwaves.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Grandfather, you have returned!

The Chinese Sure Know Their Ceremonies

If you've been following the news, you know a douchebag "Taiwanese" politician has gone to China on a "mission of Peace", or what I refer to as "Mission of Acting Frenchlike". I use quotation marks because I really don't know if he's actually is Taiwanese, or just pretends to be Taiwanese so he can get votes. Did I mentino he's ridiculously rich and has been rumoured to beat his wife?

Click on the video link. The video is of him visiting his old Elementary school in China, and the Children have prepared a song and dance video for him. You don't have to know a word of Chinese for this to be funny.

The song is called "Grandfather, you have returned!"

Now that your grandfather has returned, he ain't draggin' his wife-beating ass back here is he?

Like I said before Lian went on his trip, I stated there were only two ways this trip could result in positivity for Taiwan:

He won't come back


He can't come back.

This is the DEFINITE Asian definition of "Douchebag of Liberty"