Whiter than Rice

Wednesday, April 26, 2006



Today at noon:

After lunch, I stroll across to the 7-11 across from my dorm. I buy a bottle of green tea...

Store Clerk: if you buy two bottles of green tea, you get a hello kitty bobblehead.
Tony: No Thanks.

Just now (after dinner):

7-11's here have this thing called "iCASH". It's a card where you can put money "in it", and instead of cash you just swipe the card at 7-11s. I never bothered getting one, but I saw my buddy with an iCASH card, so I say to the store clerk "yeah, can i get one please?"

She then turns around, grabs this cardboard folder, and opens it:
"Would you like to choose between the 5 Hello Kitty Designs for the Card?"

My face turns green.

Tony: Um... do you have something... like... normal? You know... like Green?

Store clerk (different from teh one this morning of course): Yeah, there's a few regular designs over there.

I choose the one that says "iCASH" on it, in favour of the iCASH card with Barbie on it.

Store Clerk: If you put in 300 NT for the initial amount, you can get a Hello Kitty Calendar!

Tony: Uh, i'll put in 200 NT thanks.

Store Clerk: Would you like the Hello Kitty Pin?

Tony: Yes (Only because inside the package for the pins there is a COUPON)

*I pay money*

Store Clerk: Is there something not "normal" about Hello Kitty?

My friend: Well, it's not really "him".

Like I do some pretty lame things like listen to Alanis Morrisette, but is there a giant sign I'm carrying that says "GIANT FLAMING EFFEMINITE ASIAN SCHOOLBOY" that I'm not aware of?

If there is, let me know.


Sunday, April 16, 2006

Top 10 Todd Bertuzzi Stupidity Moments

This needs no further introduction.

Number 10:
Todd Bertuzzi pwn3d by TREVOR LETOWSKI

Jason Chimera, who scored the first Columbus goal, carried the puck down the left wing and left a drop pass for Letowski. Letowski put a fake on Todd Bertuzzi that froze him before charging in on goaltender Alexander Auld, skating to the slot and beating Auld between his leg pads.

Bertuzzi gets beaten quite a lot in the defensive zone, but that's not really the issue here. It's TREVOR LETOWSKI

The Trevor Letowski who could not deke past a gentle summer breeze blowing against him.

Number 9::
Todd Bertuzzi Takes Stupid Penalty in Important Situation, Opposition Score

Again, this is one of those "recurring themes", but there's this one moment I want to specifically mention:

2001 Playoffs, First Round, Game 3 at GM Place.

It's OT

The Canucks are rushing up the ice, the Avs have taken a delayed penalty.

I'm relatively sure it was BEHIND THE PLAY, Todd Bertuzzi just TACKLES Eric Messier. It's now a 4 on 4

Peter Forsberg scores on the next shift.

Number 8:
Todd Bertuzzi takes a TRIPLE MINOR

Despite the come-from-behind tie, right wing Todd Bertuzzi had a rough night. Calgary jumped ahead 2-0 while Bertuzzi, who had his 12-game point-scoring streak snapped, was serving a rare triple-minor for interference, roughing and unsportsmanlike conduct.

I used to think these things were rare.

Not with the Canucks though.

To be fair, Kerry Fraser was the official that night.


Number 7:
Bertuzzi in a Jealous Hissy Fit punches teammate Jeff O'Neill

The year after that, in his own locker room, for no apparent reason other than jealousy, he punched out teammate Jeff O'Neill, who at the time was Guelph's prized first-round pick.

The guy that wrote the article is a total asshole, but I would not be surprised if the reason Bertuzzi punched Jeff O'neill was out of jealousy. Jeff O'Neill isn't the brightest of the bunch either. (that quote about the lockout? Genius)

(Thanks to OFC for the link)

Number 6:
Todd Bertuzzi's Punches a Linesman

In the NHL, Bertuzzi punched linesman Jean Morin in a 1996 scuffle and ended up suspended for three games

IIRC, he only punched a linesman because he tried to punch another player during a fight, but ACCIDENTALLY hit the linesman. That's why he got off with only 3 games.

Number 5:
"It is what it is"

"It is what it is," was all he would offer, time and again, when asked for his thoughts on the evening

English Majors:

If anybody can figure out what the F!@# that means, or maybe it's some sort of literary device or something, please leave a snarky comment, because to me it makes NO FUCKING SENSE

Number 4:
Todd Bertuzzi Punches a Bus

Like the time in 1991, playing in the Northern Ontario midget championships, when his team was beaten out in the finals by Sault Ste. Marie and he chased the winning team's bus out of the parking lot, swearing and pounding on the windows, out of control.

I just can't make this shit up.

I wish I could, because then I could write for 24.

Number 3:
The Infamous 10 Game Suspension

losing 10 more games to suspension for jumping the bench to attack a Colorado player in 2001.

Yeah, this writer is an asshole, because he totally fails to mention that it was Scott Parker that ATTACKED Ed Jovanovski, and Bert jumps off the bench to "help".

I don't care if this moment "transformed" Bertuzzi.

Only two morons like Ed Jovanovski and Todd Bertuzzi would let themselves taken off the ice by SCOTT PARKER


Number 2:

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I've said many a times:


One of my rules of life is that "if one is going to do something wrong, than one should do it right."

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If you're going to pull some stupid stunt like that and ruin the team's chances in the playoffs, then don't cry about it afterwards like a tool. Take it like a man and move on, and not play like krap after you finish your suspension.

I'd much rather have seen Bertuzzi go into the press conference and be like "I'm Todd Bertuzzi, BITCH!"

He's already a giant asshole. This just makes him a pussy AND an asshole.

Number 1:

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Do I REALLY need to point out how stupid it is to fire up an opponent when we were up 3-1 in the series?

GOOD JOB TODD!!!!!111111

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Blatant Omissions to Greatest American Heroes

Winters Speirs and Nixon.

Forgetting their badassness was blasphemy at an outrageous scale.

It shall never happen again.

I'm not sure who's more badass among the 3.

Winters is the most well-rounded badassness, and bonus points for still being alive.

Spiers KILLED POW'S and pwned some arty units solo rushing.

Nixon goes into some German dude's house and just takes all the liquor.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Belgium is Dead To Me

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We're down 2-1 (we were down 2-0 early, we score an early goal in the second half... I came on as a sub at the start of the second half because we were so terrible on D and we were constantly getting outmuscled...)

I carry into the opposition zone (I'm a RB, I usually NEVER carry)... i have bad ball skills... I lose the ball, and in a moment of total stupidity, i slide-tackle some 6'4 White Dude in some vain hope to get the ball back.

By some stroke of miraculous luck, i DON'T get carded, and the OTHER 6'4 White Dude (i hear he's Belgian) just FLIPS out and starts talking trash, in Mandarin no less. Of course, me being the jackass I am, told him to, in these exact words "cry him a bloody river".


Durign this time, I was walking AWAY from him, back to my defensive position. In reality I wanted to get some distance from the guy before he went apeshit and pounded me into the next life.

The guy I slid-tackle... was cool. THe other guy (who's been pretty dirty and whiny the entire game) just went off the hook, and started fouling EVERYBODY and was trying to carry through 4 people with the ball (not happening of course, he was good, but not THAT good)...

during this one play where we were awarded a free kick, he KICKS the my teammate in the leg FROM BEHIND... i was about to go have a "chat" with him (yes, chat, I don't to die, but I was planning to question his ancestry) when I see the referee starts to reach into his pocket. I don't go up to him because I assume this is going to be a red card, so I back off.

It's a bloody yellow.

In retrospect, I was pretty pissed off. I'm a shit disturber, but I finish my own krap. Should have went for a little "cultural exchange" session. Next time perhaps.

All's well that ends well though, we score on a last minute 30 yard free kick (Dude from Macau), and we tie the game.

The saga is not over:

One of our guys goes up to angry White man and goes "Peace man, calm down"...

Angry White Man SLAPS my buddy to the ground, and hell almost broke loose. Our Malaysian teammate was going to do soething stupid, but he was stopped (because he was about 1 foot smaller than Angry White Man).

God I look terrible in that stupid Green bib I had to wear. I don't have a uniform.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

I Have Now Officially Stayed Overnight in a Whorehouse


It's our annual Medcup Tournament. Our baseball team travels South to Tainan to compete. There is a list of recommended hotels. We pick the one closest and cheapest to the baseball field.


It took us half an hour to find the place. It was in some dark unlighted alley. There is no lights. The building is a 5-story apartment building that is barely lighted.

We step in the front door: it's dark, and there's about 3 women in their 40's. Wearing Skimpy Clothing and thicker makeup than a plaster wall. There's some 50 year old dude with a beer wearing a white beater shirt.

This can't be good.

We go upstairs to our "rooms"

There is cigarette ashes on the bedsheets.

When we turned on the air conditioning black shit came out

The bathroom looked liked something out of a prison movie

The entire place smelled like herpes.

How I made it through the night: Went to 7-11, bought a roll of the large black plastic bag stuff, layed it ALL ACROSS THE BED, and laid on it for the rest of the night with a raincoat and a surgical facemask on.

Needless to say we got the fuck out the next night, but not before being hammered 19:1 by the home team the next day. Did I mention I came out to pitch down EIGHTEEN RUNS?

I've seen dirty tactics before, but this is the first time BIOLOGICAL WARFARE has been employed to win a bloody softball game. They recommended a BIO-HAZARD for us to stay in. (Another team stayed at the hotel too btw... they were pissed also)

If the organizers didn't check out the hotels before they recommended them, then they're a bunch of fucking incompetent morons.

If they DID check out the hotels...


I mean, if you're gonna put us in a whorehouse, at least put us in a GOOD whorehouse where it's like clean and shit and the women are under 40.