Whiter than Rice

Thursday, February 23, 2006

She Can Come Home. Proudly.

Irrational Anger Due to Loss of Nationalistic Pride, Part II

Some Quotes:

You can say Paul Kariya should be here. - Bob McKenzie

Btw, the context was this:

You can go through that whole exercise, but guys that were here have some explaining to do.

I've heard that a lot from people NOT Bob McKenzie. And it wasn't in THAT context.

Paul Kariya?

"But Paul Kariya would have fared well on the big ice!"

Please. You mean a forward with a similar skillset to Martin St. Louis?

(You can apply the same conversation to Crosby/Phaneuf/Staal/Spezza)

The Team Canada coaches and executives, not unlike their American cousins, were left scratching their heads about why they didn't generate enough offense.

Quinn said Canada was guilty of trying to stretch the ice by employing the wrong methods. The forwards got too far away from the defense in the transition game. Passes couldn't be completed and the defense didn't have the ability to skate the puck forward effectively. Teams sat back and challenged Canada to come at them.

Why the fuck didn't you figure this out BEFORE the game.

"We tried to play this stretch game where instead of playing with speed, we stood still thinking that we were stretching," Quinn said.

You see, when I bitch about those long passes that don't do anything except for ice the puck, nobody listens.

General talk about leadership of Yzerman and Lemieux

I no longer buy that "leadership" stuff anymore, but I seriously ponder if a bunch of 40 year olds with broken bodies would have been slower than the current team. At least Steve Yzerman can win a draw, not to mention those two are seriously the CLUTCHEST PLAYERS EVAR

"We lost a couple of guys to injury and certainly Scott Niedermayer could bring some speed." -Quinn

Yeah, a non-pylon like Neidermayer would have helped. But one non-pylon out of 7 who's out tehre for 25 minutes means you still have pylons out there for 35 minutes.

Aptar of Vanwhitenoise.com:
This team DESPERATELY needed a spark

You mean playing in the Olympics with the best players in teh World and representing your country isn't a spark? Do we need to promise players sexual favours from Gretzky's wife?

...A competent, puck carrying offensive defenseman was a huge weakness for this team...

How this has anythign relevant to a Jovanovski conversation other than "he should be traded for something like that" I have no idea. In fact, no sentence with "Jovanovski" and "Competent" should ever exist.

This is a guy who has consistently been an offensive spark for Canada and the Canucks in the playoffs. Instead of going out without an offensive peep in the last 10 mins, I'd much rather have seen Jovo spending that 3rd period playing his vertical game, crashing the front of the net, gambling, etc.

Yes, because having Jovanovski trying to carry through the neutral zone against four opposing sweaters lined up without puck support is fine idea. (I think that theme has been worn out already, but I'm not the one commiting that heinous crime against humanity, don't shoot the messenger)

Perhaps Canada's problem was the team was too talented. - nhl.com

There's no such thing as "too much talent". When the only two things players are doing are

a) Nothing
b) Stupid things

There is no such thing as "too much talent."

This was lazy hockey. This was STUPID hockey.

Canada Can Learn From Korea

I think Korea has some good ideas, some ideas, not so hot. For example, "somehow" getting the most biased calls in their favour arousing the World's anger and suspicions, not so good. One of their Unofficial National Policies is this:

If you don't win, don't bother coming home.

It's not so much that "they can't go home". They're not deporting them or stripping them of their citizenship or anything, it's just that unless they accomplish something, they'll be shamed forever when they go home and the media hounds them forever.

What happens to our players? They go back to playing NHL hockey being paid millions of dollars. Personally, I don't think Chris Pronger should be let back into the country, because we'd have to pay for his health care, which at this point he does not deserve. Go to the States and pay for that shit. Bryan McCabe should be deported, lynched, hanged, humiliated, dismembered, and excommunicated from the church, and not in that order.

If I ever saw these guys on the street, I'd tell them how much they sucked. I urge all other Canadians to do the same thing. These guys go back to their million dollar mansions, fancy cars, and trophy wives, while us loyal fans are left with nothing except disappointment and humiliation from internet users from Europe.

Free Passes:


Took a dumb penalty today, but he actually only took 3 penalties in the entire tournament, and had some good shifts, and after the Bertuzzi Scale of Stupidity Adjustment, he gets a free pass. He can't help it.

Joe Sakic

Stripped down to his jersey and a pair of shorts, Sakic bore a 12-stitch scar across his left cheek (which is slightly fractured) and a black eye. These are the souvenirs Sakic will carry home, courtesy of an errant stick in Canada's shock loss to Switzerland. -NHL.com

I'm going to go with Bob McKenzie on this one, Sakic gets a free pass.

My Guys

Richards passed when he had an open net, Smyth took a stupid penalty, but the PK was good enough today that Richards/Smyth/Doan get a free pass, as well as Draper (whom I think shouldn't have been here). It's not Draper's fault he's can't do anything but kill penalties. They picked him.


We were outshot today. We had ONE shot against the Czechs in the 3rd Period. Finland was pwning us. The Goaltenders get a free pass. Had they been short of the fantastic they were, we wouldn't have made the quarters.


Dany Heatley would be the seventh forward I'd talk about. He, along with Nash, was supposed to have a coming out party. They didn't get the job done. - Bob McKenzie

Gotta disagree with you on this one Bob, Heatley was actually forechecking this tournament.

Vincent LeCavalier

Again, Vinny-Smyth-St.Louis was the best ES line for Canada.

Martin St. Louis

It's not his fault he's tiny.

Wade Redden

The least shitty Canada d-men

The Deportation List:

Bryan F McCabe

I'm ashamed that guy has the same passport as I do.

Chris Pronger

Did somebody sabotage Canada by putting Ed Jovaovski's brain in Chris Pronger, THEN that somebody break his foot with a baseball bat over and over again? I STILL can't believe we have to pay for this asshole's health care. Maybe he doesn't deserve to have his children taken away (BTF REFERENCE WHAT), but I hope they make his children go to private school or something. And he should pay DOUBLE income taxes and 20% GST.

I recall Chris Pronger saying that Salt Lake was "The Worst Tournament of his Professional Career" or something along those lines.

This definitly tops that

The Moron That STILL Put Chris Pronger out for 25 minutes A Night

I know the internet has some stupid things, but we occasionally get it right. You know, LIMIT HIS ICE TIME BECAUSE HE FUCKING SUCKED. Congratulations to whatever moron decided to put him out in the last minute.

Joe Thornton

San Jose Sharks? He should be fed to sharks, Except that if a shark tried to chew on his head it would bite down on nothing but bone.

Fuck that was a lame insult. The only thing he hit the entire tournament was probably the bottle.

Ok that was offensive. But so was his performance, so we're even.

Jarome Iginla

Oh look! He skated around! He looks worried! HE HAS HEART

I hate to hate on the only minority on the team, but he did NOTHING.

Rick Nash

Unfairly benched for the Czech game, but what does he do when he comes back?


Rob Blake

Couldn't hit the net, didn't ass check anybody, was slow like everybody else.

Jay Bowmeester

GREATEST SKATING DEFENSEMAN EVAR (tm) manages to look slowfooted.

Edit: He was +4 this tourney, which meant that his mistakes didn't cost us anything. And he wasn't THAT bad, I just thought he was overrated. He's aight

Adam Foote/Robyn Regehr

"We didn't have terrific speed back there," Quinn said.

Pylons don't move.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Do These Guys Even KNOW They Suck?

The Shit List:


Everytime I thought he has reached his maximum uselessness, he ceases to amaze me with his krappiness. He was on for like five fucking minutes. Takes one penalty that was absolutely moronic, and his other penalty was when he was beaten due to his utter uselessness


Took an absolutely BONEHEAD penalty today. Had one or two decent shift but otherwise was useless the entire night creating NOTHING on the forecheck


Did NOTHING all day. Had an "assist" but really just a lucky bounce. The bounces went our way ALL night long.

Whatever Moron On the Coaching Staff That Decided to Bench Rick Nash

He was bad in the Finland Game, but no worse than the rest of these morons. Send him out there!

Adam Foote

Made some big hits, but had some trouble playing the puck, and if you don't stop icing the puck with those fancy long passes from your own zone, the health of my roomates will be in danger.

The Not Teh Suck

My Guys - Smyth/Doan/Richards

Richards had an awesome game killing penalties. Got a great bounce for his goal, but hey, gotta be lucky to be good and good to be lucky. Doan again great on the PK and was effective when he was on hitting people. Smitty did his usual, drove to the net, did dirty work, came back to check and on St. Louis's fluke goal was battlign in front of the net which I'm sure had something to do with it.


The St. Louis/Vinny/Smyth line was by far the best line even strength. St. Louis again looked a little outmuscled but had good speed today. He missed a check when I think Kaberle hit the post, but no matter. Vinny was physical and good.

General PK Goodness

I don't want to giev Kris Draper his own category, but he's doing his job on the PK. Sakic, Richards, Doan, Smyth, Draper, and d-men other than McCabe - good job. I know it was Blake that took that penalty that made us go down 5 on 3, but I missed that part somehow and didn't see the replay, so I don't know what happened. I want to assume it was moronic and move on.

Todd Bertuzzi

If you apply the Bertuzzi Scale of Stupidity Adjustment to his performance against the Czechs, he'd rate a 29 out of 10. He took ZERO penalties, was actually went near the boards, HIT players, and one actually HIT A PLAYER IN HIS OWN ZONE. HARD.

Whatever Genius on the Coaching Staff That Decided to Stop Playing Pronger 30 minutes a Night

Maybe he's been on the internet. I don't know.

Marty Brodeur

Quebec STILL justifying its existence. Let's hope this continues.

The Czech Defense:

I knew Kubina was good. I've always liked Spacek and thought he had a good game. When were the Kaberle's this good? Tomas was ASSERTIVE and Frantisek Kaberle didn't suck! And Marek Greztky was damn solid.

Monday, February 20, 2006

I Am So Damn Sick of Chris Pronger


Chris Pronger: Height: 6'6" Weight: 220
Saku Koivu: Height: 5'10" Weight: 184

Saku Koivu beats Chris Pronger along the boards, resulting in the winning goal. Now, before I get to the next part, I should state that Koivu is an excellent skater, great balance and agility, and good lower body strength.

You don't lose a battle along the boards when the guy is 8 inches shorter and 36 pounds lighter. You just don't.

It’s not ALL Pronger's fault by any means. He's got a bad foot, yet Pat Quinn still insists on sending him out there for 25 minutes a game. You've got six, I mean five other decent defenseman you can play. Bryan McCabe doesn't count because he’s bloody useless. At least Jay Bowmeester can skate, Adam Foote is good for 2-handers, and Rob Blake can do an asscheck.


I don't know what our faceoff percentage is right now, but I bet you it's pretty atrocious. (Why can I not google up ANY team and individual stats right now?) Not winning faceoffs in the defensive end means the other team has possession and we’re running around trying to get the puck back. This coupled with 5'10 forwards beating 6'6 d-men along the boards causes trouble. In the offensive zone, if we don’t win the draw, we don’t have possession, and we can't do anything. This is part of the reason why our PP sucks


Bertuzzi will never get this memo. Other people, stop it. We've taken so many damn penalties it's actually justifying the selection of Kris Draper, who is otherwise useless. Our dedicated PK guy, who can’t do anything else, is getting a tonne of mileage simply due to the fact were taking SO MANY PENALTIES. STOP IT.

Who’s took penalties that's taken us off the PP so far? I've got Gagne, Bert, and Iggy. I may have missed somebody.


1) Win a faceoff. Possession helps.
2) Move the dude on the halfboards closer in. The surface is bigger, if he's along the boards he has no shooting angle
3) Take Chris Pronger off the PP. He's not mobile enough to be playing the point.
4) GET THE SHOT THROUGH. 100 mph slapshots that go wide puts the puck in… umm… NEVER. Get the shot through. Bertuzzi is actually in front of the net doing his job, which comes about as often as hot young attractive women that are interested in yours truly. Yes Blake I'm talking to you.
5) Get Bryan McCabe off the PP if he can't follow point 4.
6) We need a new point man on the PP. Preferably somebody that can pass. coughSakicRichardscough


Two “checking” forwards out of twelve (Draper is so useless I'm not even counting him) is not why we’re not scoring goals. Those two are NOT the problem. Smyth and Doan are actually doing stuff i.e. skating, finishing checks, dirty work, etc. The Richards/Doan/Smyth line so far has been the line that has been the most consistent so far in terms of work rate and physical play. There are plenty of other culprits. Joe Thornton has done NOTHING even strength. Rick Nash was good against the Swiss, but was so terrible against the Finns he got benched late in the game (and missed a breakaway). Martin St. Louis is getting pwned by bigger players. Where is Iginla? LeCavalier has been good and physical though.

This is actually a small part of a bigger problem:


The breakout is just a series of stupidity:
Trying to carry through the neutral zone
Through four opposing sweaters lined up in the neutral zone
Without Puck Support


Those long passes are a great idea too. You either ice the puck or the Finns cut it off for a counterattack. We're not going to get anything off the rush with 4 guys lined up in the neutral zone. SO STOP TRYING TO CARRY THROUGH FOUR PEOPLE

I'm not a hockey genius, but I have come up with a 3 step plan to help Canada breakout of the zone and possibly score a goal:

Step 1: Dump
Step 2: Chase
Step 3: Dig

Repeat as necessary

P.S. Quebec is actually proving their usefulness. Goaltending has been good.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Denmark is Dead to Me

"Just How Many Different Kinds of Stupid Are You"
-Captain Lee Adama, Battlestar Galactica, Season 2 Episode 11

Free speech is great. I like free speech. It allows me to say this shit without getting put in jail. Or being shot by Dick Cheney. It's one of the rights I enjoy as a Canadian citizen. It's one of the rights I enjoy as a Taiwanese citizen. It is one of the rights that all human beings should be able to enjoy.

Free Speech is not something to defend blatant racism with.

For example:
"The damn Jews control the government, they're evil, they take all our work, and something must be done!" is not free speech. It's racism
"The pesky Asians have slitty eyes and small penises, but they take all our work, and somethign must be done!" is not free speech. It's racism.

I fail to see how a picture of "Mohammed" (really, a stereotypical depiction of a Brown dude) with a bomb around his turban is not racism. It is the exact equivalent of "Those Brown people with their silly turbans and suicide bombs. Something must be done!"

1) The Danish Newspaper who started this:

You're a bunch of fucking morons for commisioning people to draw the cartoons, you're bunch of fucking morons for publishing those cartoons, and you're a bunch of fucking morons for not apologizing for your racist shit. Slandering an entire race of people on the acts of a few is not free speech. It is not satire. It's bullshit.

2) The Danish Government:

Don't give me this "we can't apologize because we're not in charge of the paper" garbage. What you say is this:

"We're sorry that one of our publications published this racist and offensive material. The Danish Government and the Danish people would like to apologize to the Muslim and Arab World for the abhorrent slander on your race and your religion. These so-called "artists" do not represent the Danish people, and we will make sure this situation will be properly dealt with. Also, we will ensure that no more racist offensive cartoons will ever be published in Denmark again."

3) The Iranians:

I would be angry too... but as usual, they take it a little too far. Protests in the streets? I'd show up. A boycott of Danish goods? Nothing wrong with a little "economic sanctions". The Holocaust Cartoons? That takes it a little far. I also would not burn embassies and chant "Death to Denmark". Denmark is Dead to me anyway.

I can't remember where I saw this (probably the Daily Show), but these protestors really have trouble staying on-topic. For once, "Death to America" is not really relevent. I guess they're just used to it. It's like that Simpson's episode where Lisa does something wrong and Homer reflexively yells at Bart.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

I'm An Idiot

Apparently, when you order train tickets for "5:40", they meant 5:40 AM.

I'm a 24 hour guy too. I can't believe I did something so stupid.