Alias: I Wonder What the Writers are Smoking

Seriously, where can I get some?

The show is becoming SO UNREALISTIC that you could actually come up with enough reasons not to have relations with a character played by JENNIFER GARNER, who is at least 50 runs above replacement levels and has the added bonus of being "toolsy" and being able to play a different number of "roles".

If I were Vaughn, I would want NOTHING more to do with Sydney, for the simple reason that her family is WAY TOO FUCKED UP.

Let's see...
1) Sydney's aunt stabbed him in the back while he was torturing his ex-wife.
2) Sydney disappeared for 2 years.
3) Since 1978, he has lived with the belief that Sydney's mom, a KGB agent, killed his dad.
4) There is new evidence on the show that his dad died at the hand of Sydney's OTHER aunt, a rogue KGB agent, while saving Sydney's half sister's life.
5) Sydney's dad is an old school CIA agent whom probably doesn't like him and is suffering from radiation poisoning.
6) His boss murdered Sydney's first fiancee and her best friend and installed an evil twin in the latter's place.

That family has some issues.

Counter-Terrorist Petite White Single Female Computer Analyst Wins, BIATCH

24 Has Done the Impossible. They've really outdone themselves this time.

They've actually managed to make a skinny blonde with a large rifle a giant turnoff for me.

(note: there will be a giant all-inclusive 24 Rant when the season ends. But Yesterday's episode was too funny NOT to say something about.)

Help Think of an Entrance Song for Chin-Hui Tsao!

Chin-Hui Tsao, the only MLB player born in Taiwan, has recently been promoted to Closer as the Colorado Rockies...

And he needs an entrance theme song.

Mariano Rivera has "Enter Sandman". Rick Vaughn had "Wild Thing." It's time an Asian brother got an equally cool theme song.

All suggestions not by 50 Cent or any other rapper who's been shot 9 times would be welcomed.

Which of the Following is Not True?

Which of the following is not true?

1) Kim Jong Il is crazy
2) Byun-Hyun Kim is crazy
3) There are no WMD's in Iraq
4) Peter Stein is a giant douchebag of Liberty
5) I'm good at Multiple Choice Questions that start with "Which of teh following is not true"?

Seriously, I SUCK at those questions.

Anybody else here have the same thing?

(Btw, How do I allow anonymous comments?)

Also, I have joined that little Hi5 network or whatever. I may have added some of you.

The Yankees... still suck.

Jaret Wright headed to the DL.

"Well, the Yankees now officially have a Johnson and a Wang in their rotation."

yankee Fans stabbing themselves.

I Heart White People

A fellow banana friend of mine recently brought to my attention this particular T-Shirt on a Caucasian Man he saw on a Vancouver Translink Bus this week...

IF ASIANS ARE SO SMART, WHY DO THEY HAVE SUCH SMALL DICKS?

Here's a few questions I have for Caucasian People...

If White people are so smart, then why do your religious leaders touch little boys?

If White people are so smart, then why is the best player in ALL the professional sports not White?

If White people are so smart, then why do you collect welfare checks from the government?

If White people are so smart, then why is your gunrack set up upside down in your pickup truck?

If White people are so smart, then why do you have to bomb all the Brown people on this planet?

If White people are so smart, then why is your mother also your sister?

Feel free to add your own "If White People" comments. I need some ideas. This blog isn't for me, it's for YOU. Contribute!

Personally, I would have whipped it out and told him to choke on my one-standard-deviation-within-the-population-mean-sized penis, excuse me, WANG.

Edit:

Studies show that Our Wangs are equal to those of other ethnicities.
CHOKE ON THIS CRACKERS

God Bless MTV

I was watching Total Request Live (for its musical value, not for the dumbass hot women that show up on the show, of course not!) yesterday, and when they played the new Britney Spears video... and I noticed something.

She was driving a PINK Hummer.

For those that aren't language experts here, I believe Hummer stand for "bullet magnet" in Terrorist.

George W, I know I haven't been very pleased with you lately and have said some nasty things about you over the internet, but if you do this ONE thing, I will hold you forever blameless and not say nasty things when Jeb Bush becomes president of the United States of Jesusland.

DRAFT BRITNEY SPEARS and have her drive that pink Humvee in Iraq.

If you do this, I will forever be in your debt.

Britney Spears fans, relax, other than possible bullet holes/RPG shrapnel, no other harm could come to her. Remember, Extreme Fundamentalists like VIRGINS.

I Heart Light Infantry Weapons.

The COPS drinking game

This is IMO the greatest thing Minority Unit has come up with. EVER.

Try it if you have the time/liquor availalble.

The rules are pretty simple:

1) Drink when a minority suspect shows up on the screen
2) Drink when a minority policement shows up on the screen
3) Drink when the words "dangerous minorities" is mentioned.
4) Drink when a suspect of any race is arrested with force.

It suffices to say that we get pretty drunk after 22 minutes.

Also, I really have a LOT OF BEEF with the term "dangerous minorities." So it's either "ONly a minority of members of society are dangerous", which is a dumb fuck redundant statement, or minorities are dangerous, and you really don't want me to get started on THAT.

What, White People don't commit crimes? Why is there no "dangerous majority"?

Also, in the latest "Dumb KKK Idiot meets Charles Darwin" subject:

Heritage Front Leader shot

My favourite part of the story: This guy supposedly tried to start a coup in the DOMINICA. 5 White Guys with Shotguns and a boat starting a coup in the Caribbean.

Some jokes are best not made.

A-Rod Saves a Boys Life in Boston

A-Rod Saves Yankee Fan Boy's Life in Boston

What kind of bumper sticker does that truck driver have...

"I break for overpaid overrated loudmouthed pretty boy Yankee 3rd basemen?"

I wish it was Matsui saving the boy instead.

Jack and Right Wing Conservative Nutjob Beanstalk

I just read the first half Jack and the Beanstalk with my grade 3 tutoring student. When I was walking home, I had an epiphany: the story is actually a reflection of how RIght Wing Conservative Nutjobs have caused some of society's biggest problems.

1. The Economic Hardship of Single-Parent Families.
You don't hear Liberals cutting social programs for single-parent families. Let's just create the worst living conditions for Jack and his mom so that they are as poor as possible so that they only have a cow left. Of course, in real life, Jack and his mom would be disadvantaged minorities living in the inner cities without this supposed "cash cow" to get "magic beans" with. The good ending of this story is that Jack's mom works 2 minimum wage jobs to support her and Jack with until Jack either a) makes it in the NBA b) signs a record deal to join the G-Unit c) wins a spelling bee contest (Spellbound: Great movie). Of course, the more likely ending is that Jack's mom will end up as one of Snoop Doggy Dogg's ho's and Jack will die in a drug/gun/gang related violent tragedy. And it'll all be Grand Theft Auto's fault.

2. Birth Control/A Woman's Right to Choose
Now, I'm not condoning Jack's dad's actions. I mean, dead beat dad, fucked her and left? Douchebag of Liberty. Fuck him. But HAD they been educated about contraceptives and the dangers of STDs/unwanted pregancies, this whole thing wouldn't have happened. (this whole thing reminds me of the Monty Python skit where the Catholic Family has to sell their children because tehy aren't allowed to use contraceptives) And none of that sexual abstinence garbage. You can't TURN OFF the urge to have sex. It is GENETICALLY HARDWIRED. If sexual desire was turned off, THE SPECIES WOULD DIE OUT. Also, Bill Frist makes me ashamed that I'm remotely associated to the medical profession. "Tears can transmit AIDS." HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Or she could have had an abortion done. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want Jack, and that he's just a burden. I don't like abortions, but if she doesn't want and is incapable of taking care of a child, she shoudln't have that child. Fuck the church/culture of life people. My favourite part of the culture of life: most support the death penalty.

3. The sad state of education in North America
What kid is stupid enough to sell a cow for "magic beans"? YOU TRADE THE MILK FOR OTHER FOOD YOU IDIOTIC KID. (I guess all these years of farm subsidies have ruined the farm's ability to actually GROW anything.) If you like meat, you can shoot the cow Napoleon Dynamite style. I do suspect that that specific cow is infected with mad cow, but hey, what do I know. Also, if the mom was at least educated in some trade school of sorts, they wouldn't be in this mess either.

Only an uneducated kid with no problem-solving skills would have made the trade.

No Child Left Behind, indeed.


4. The Lack of Corporate Regulations
Magic beans will guarentee you fortune and a lifetime of financial security! Just like Enron stock! Hello MCI/Worldcom! Hello TYCO executives stealing from it's own companies and screwing hundreds of employees!

Shady corporations like Enron have been using thep romise of "magic beans" to rip off the hard earned cows of employees and investors for too long.

5. The Wealth Gap
The beanstalk is representative of the wealth gap between the have nots and haves. I'm starting to sound like a Communist, but there is a large gap between the rich and the poor. The Rich live high up in the sky with luxurious houses and chickens that lay gold eggs, and the poor live down below with barren farmland and no opportunity up unless they gamble their life savings with "magic beans."

Of course, once you get up the beanstalk, what do you find? A giant guarding the wealth, or the Golden Chicken. The Giant is what I normally refer to as "Rich Upper Class White Anglo-Saxon Protestant Rich Bastards", or in common colloquialism, "The man".

I tell you, I really should stop watching the Daily Show. All that Liberal and Secular Jew controlled media with its love of anal sex is corrupting me.

I can't live like this

I can't live like this. I just can't.

It's not like how it used to be, where I'd have a bad day or two. It's been a bad SIX MONTHS. NOTHING good of significance (note: I've had some minor decent things happen) has happened the last six months. I've been sick repeatedly, I'm having major dental work done, injuries on BOTH thumbs (untreated), laziness), I've lost my wallet, I'm not getting along with my mom (OK, there's nothing new), and no matter what I do I can't compete with these fucking Asian Kids. I'm getting stuff wrnog that I KNOW. IT used to be that i could answer correctly shit i don't know. Now I'm fucking up stuff I KNOW. There's some sort of Multiple choice mental block right now, I don't know why. I see multiple choice, i freeze and suck.

What's the word I'm looking for... there's no HOPE. The only light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. At least before, I could just go scream profanities at/with my buds, and hope tomorrow would better.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow is guarenteed to SUCK. Nothing good could possibly happen tomorrow. Except I might lose some valuable item. I might hurt another body part. I might go to jail for no apparent reason.

It's not even work. I can handle being shitty at work. I can handle being shitty at a lot of things. I can handle being shitty at everything simultaneously. I used to live like that anyway. What I can't handle is the "loneliness". It's like i almost hate everybody around me. (OK, that's nothing new). I'm starting to not like the people that I LIKE too.

I'm going to put it this way: nobody dares to make fun of me. They think I'm going to flip out and knock somebody unconscious. I'm not being picked on anymore: they're too afraid to pick on me for fear that I might beat the shit out of somebody.
(Do you realize how silly that sounds)? There's no fun beating the krap tou of these 5'6 slitty eyed memorization machines anyway.

The best way to describe my life:
It's as if I've been dragged to the Britney Spears movie AGAIN, and the person who dragged me left the theatre, the doors have been chained and bolted down, all the 12 year little girls are giggling, and there's no sharp object in the room to stab myself in the eye.

If you don't know the above reference, don't ask. If you do, have yourself a nice little chuckle. If you're the person referred to above, please don't get angry, you're like the what, 3 friends I have left on this planet, and I can't afford to have more people kicking my ass. If you asked me to see that movie again, I'd answer Yes 8 times out of 7. If you're Britney Spears, go fuck yourself.

GYK Part V

Engrish in it's full glory

Dear Medical and Dental Class Leaders and Students:

Since many diligent students asked questions this year, I used RED
COLOR words for the area student asked question to make sure one student's
question also can be understood by others in the PDF file name of Prevalence
and Incidence on the web tonight to help you out. As I mentioned, I prefer
each student understand and apply those epidemiological knowledge in patient
care, public health contribution and scientific discovery in the future.
Therefore, this attachment file has many examples to be added and even how
to calcuate person time as denominator and numerator. Even the questions that
I spent almost one hour to answer in details.
In addition, I used BOLD　PHASE words for students to learn more efficiently
in order to grasp key points. The TA will prepare quantitative homework on
measurements such as direct and indirect age-adjustment rate and other
calcuations next week.
As I said that using COMMON NOTES by one person is NOT the good way to
study at top universities in the USA because it is LIVE and Death to each
health-care worker when infecitous disease epidemic of SARS occurs.
I prefer you to protect yourself. Therefore, we have a Team project to let
you practice from thinking pathway. Each group will present 10 minutes in
oral from the last three classes 17:30-18:00 and finally give me the term
paper and the computer disc.
Could class leader e-mail me the name of groups, group leader, group
members and topic to choose by this coming Friday. Then, you can work on this
weekend. The class leader can assign student who is familiar at specific
disease such as avian flu or SARs or tuberculosis so that you can learn from
classmates very well too. Let our learning process in this semester is a
very interesting one. THanks for ALL your strong supports to reach our
educational goals.
Could class leader e-mail me the name of groups, group leader, group
members and topic to choose by this coming Friday. Then, you can work on this
weekend. The class leader can assign student who is familiar at specific
disease such as avian flu or SARs or tuberculosis so that you can learn from
classmates very well too. Let our learning process in this semester is a
very interesting one. THanks for ALL your strong supports to reach our
educational goals.
The three TAs: TaiWei Wu, BaiShan (100 Good) Chiang, and ChuinShee (King's
stamp) Shan all have infectious disease epid. background in case you need
help. You can contact with them too. Once I know the group assignment and
group leaders, I can give you the TA to help you out too in case you have
questions.

My favourite part of this letter was when we got this, we were trying to form groups. Of course, it doesn't include HOW MANY PEOPLE PER GROUP. I read this thing like 8 fucking times.

G. Y. Kim Part IV

http://homepage.ntu.edu.tw/~b91401112/VOICE02.wav

G. Y. Kim: Most of the Public Health officials indicted in Taiwan are mostly infectious diseases officials. So those of you that do go on to become government officials, remember what you learn here today, or you might get indicted.

My Buddy (Surnamed Huang): But Professor, this class is pretty useless.

J00 WERE pwned BIATCH!!!!!

Opening Day at Fenway

1. Really lame music for the Ring Ceremony. They so should have played "Tessie" by the Dropkick Murphys.

2. They shoulda brought back Bill Buckner for this. Hey, OIL CAN was there!

3. I didn't see Epstein throughout. Maybe I'm just blind.

4. How Dave Roberts got a bigger ovation than Timbree is beyond me. One stolen base does not trump a season's worth of overwork.

5. They were handing out rings to EVERYBODY. I was surprised they didn't end up giving Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore Rings.

They shoudl have given Alex Rodriguez a ring though. Thanks Slappy!

G. Y. Kim Part III

Greatest MSN Conversation EVER (well, greatest MSN conversation today):

Me: Great nickname (His Nickname (In Mandarin): CCK can go eat shit)
My buddy: Actually, there's a huge logical fallacy in my nickname?
Me: WHA???
My Buddy: HOW CAN SHIT EAT ITSELF?

Fantasy Rotisserie Baseball Part I

I guess Depodesta was right when he said "they only had a few years left". I'm getting fucked in my league because everybody's just as astute sabermetrically. I guess that's what happens when you join a BASEBALLPRIMER league.

Oh well, for batters, we count Total bags, OBP, and SLG.
Silly rabbits, RBI's are for kids.

For pitchers, we count Outs, K/bb, K/9, and BB/9. I'm surprised in such a lesser primate/Moneyball fanboy/DIPS is gospel league that hR/9 weren't counted as well.

And without further adue here is the stinkfest roster due to teh fact the comptuer took my first 9 players (AND TWO RELIEVERS! TWO!!! Two ex-Oakland closers too)

C V. Martínez (Cle - C)
1B S. Casey (Cin - 1B)
2B M. Bellhorn (Bos - 2B,3B)
3B E. Chávez (Oak - 3B)
SS M. Tejada (Bal - SS)
LF K. Millar (Bos - 1B,LF,RF)
CF M. Kotsay (Oak - CF)
RF A. Kearns (Cin - RF)
Util M. Young (Tex - SS)
BN E. Byrnes (Oak - LF,CF,RF)
BN V. Wells (Tor - CF)
BN M. Cuddyer (Min - 1B,2B,3B,RF)

I'm getting ownd right now because...
1) Smoehow Victor Martienz is slugging .279 right now desptie a .400 OBP (i'm not complaining about THAT though).
2) Sean casey is hitting for a .550 OPS
3) Ihave no power int he corner OF's (Kearns, Byrnes, and Kentucky fried fuckface are decent players, but not enough power for corner OF's)
4) I somehow can't use Michael Young at 2B even though he has more defensive IP's at 2B than SS
5) Kotsay is jawesome, I'm keepign him instead of Wells, but nobody would take him.

Cookie Monster, please meet the NTU Hospital Internal Medicine Department

Queer Eye for the Cookie Loving Guy?

My beloved blue, furry monster -- who sang "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me" -- is now advocating eating healthy. There's even a new song -- "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food," where Cookie Monster learns there are "anytime" foods and "sometimes" foods.

Is the Cookie monster's contract up with Sesame street or something? Are they writing his character out and bringing in somebody "hip" and/or "gangsta"?

WHAT WILL WE TELL THE CHILDREN????

"I'm sorry Timmy, but the cookie monster has passed away. He did so last night peacefully in a keto-acid induced coma from his mismanaged type II diabetes mellitus."

G. Y. Kim Part II

The greatest part about this is is that she loves to give us her instructions in English. Here's an example of it below:
The following diseases are your team homework that I will ask your team to present an oral and then turn in the team report with both disk and paper printed version. The contents of homework includes: (1) Frequency tables of symptoms/signs with range, mean, and epidemiological measurements of the risk of diseases, (2) Important epidemiological characteristics including age, gender, risk groups and risk/protection factors, (3) Most effective prevention/control strategies. The end of homework needs to have CONCLUSION and References.

I wish there was a team of college students presenting me with an oral too.

NOBODY in our class understands what the fuck she's trying to say, and I have come to this CONCLUSION:

What she's trying to say, and what she's saying, is completely different.

To top it off, everytime she gives us one of these far-fetched bullshit instructions, she likes to sign it with "C. C. Kim". (This is how baseball uniforms in Korea are printed) Remember how in the beginning I said last names are supposed to come first? Well, if you call somebody "Kim G. Y." in Taiwanese....

Let's just say that word rhymes with bunt and starts with a C.

G. Y. Kim

Background information for this post: I'm sure all of you know that in Korean and and Mandarin last names go first, but in order for it to be Westernized, we make it go last. Hence nobody calles me Chiu Tony, but Tony Chiu.

Ok, we have a Public Health Prof by the name of Kim Chuan-Chun (Kim being her first name), and well... I'd say she's an honourary recipient of the Daily Show's Congressional Medal of Douchebaggery.

Why is she in line for this award? To channel the Simpson's comic book guy (THAT show deserves some ranting): WORST. PROJECT. ASSIGNED. EVER.

Apparently we have to get into randomly assigned groups of FOURTEEN and present public health related information about FOUR DISEASES in TEN MINUTES. (The written report is probably not as anal-retentive about length) It is IMPOSSIBLE to accomplish what she wants in TEN MINUTES.

"Ok... this disease occurs in Africa. Here's a picture of an African kid drinking from a river where there's a pig farm upstream dumping all their feces in the river. Oh, look it's 10 minutes!"

The greatest part of this entire presentation is that it is IMPLIED that it has to be presented in ENGLISH. Out of everybody I've talked to in the year above us, if you don't do it in English, she bitches you out in front of the class. On the surface, this seems like no problem for me, but that's where you'd be wrong.

The biggest problem with English presentations to a prof you despise: You might say something reflexively that you'll regret.

I don't think I need to provide a hypothetical example.

Fever Pitch

I can guarentee the movie will SUCK. What an abomination of a movie.

1) Fever Pitch is a British remake, but instead of soccer they changed it to baseball, a nd they didn't even change the name. They just got lucky the word "pitch" is useful in both soccer and baseball.

2) Drew Barrymore is absolutely useless as an actress. If Hollywood actresses were evaluated using sabremetrics, she would be the DEFINITION of below replacement level. (For those not sabremetrically aware, please ask me about replacement level)

Traditional scouts and sabre teams both dislike her. Traditional scouts think she has a bad body and no tools, and sabre people find her inability to draw audiences and her HORP (Hotness over replacement level) to be around -5 runs a year (makeup adjusted) to be unappealing.

4) Jimmy Fallon: An absolute assclown. How could you get a NEW YORKER and an YANKEE FAN to play a Red Sox fan? Just because he's done the Boston Teens skit on SNL wearing a Nomar Jersey doesn't qualify him to play that movie. Having Jimmy Fallon play a Red Sox fan is basically like getting Osama Bin Laden to play the pope.

He's like Derek Jeter, overrated due to the success of a team effort and has no range. He can play basically one type of character (goofball), and his previous successes (SNL + Weekend Update) is due to the great work of others setting up his "clutch performances" (Those 97-02 SNL actors were great... Will Ferrell, Tim Meadows, Molly Shannon, Tina Fey as his partner on update) were GREAT comedians. A true assclown of Yankian Fashion.

My First Post

Welcome to my blog, where I will rant about the struggles about being yellow on the outside and white on the inside. Oh, did I mention that I will rant about everythign else as well? I like to rant.