Canuck-Related NHL Talk, Part III

Ok... I'll do the list format again.

1) Re-Signed Dan Cloutier, 2.5 mil/yr for 2 years.

FUCK NO. A contract that was ABOVE the QO and FOR TWO YEARS. FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCKITY FUCK.

Was there anybody else better? Nope
Will there be anybody else better next off-seasons? Possibly

THEN WHY DID YOU SIGN HIM TO A TWO YEAR DEAL YOU JACKASS????

2) Re-signed Mattias Ohlund, 14mil total over 4 years.

YES!!!

YES!!!

MATTIAS OHLUND LONG-TERM!!!

YES!!!

JOVO IS ON HIS WAY OUT!!!

YES!!!

VICTORY FOR FREEDOM LOVERS EVERYWHERE!!!

YES!!!

Maybe I need to get treated for Schizophrenia or something. I don't know.

3) Signed Anson Carter 1mil/yr for 1 yr.

He's not the type of winger I'd like for the Sedins (big, strong, drives to the net, dirty work along the boards and in front of the net), but he's a decent skater and has a good shot even though he's sort of perimeter-ish. For 1 mil I can live with that.

And now... the non-Canuck moves that will impact us.

1) Columbus signs Adam Foote 4.5 mil/yr for 4 years.

You heard it here first. This is the signing that tips the balance of the NW division. This guy while on the Avs beat the krap out of Canuck Forwards and kept us from scoring more than anybody else. He's a great hockey player who's a tough SOB whom we'll see 4 times less now. Great news for NW division forwards everywhere.

2) Edmonton trades Brewer Lynch and Woywitka for Chris Pronger (signing him to a long term deal); Edmonton trades Mike York for Mike Peca

this DEFINTLY makes Edmonton A LOT better on the long run, and their PK I bet will be extremel good this year (Pronger will be huge on that), but I have a feeling their PP will remain absolutely dismal. Pronger SHOULD help in that department, but York to Peca is a lateral move at best (York more offense, Peca more defense) and the departure of Nedved leaves Edmonton without a playmaking C on the PP.

3) Philly signs Peter Forsberg

I don't think this affects Colorado that much. He plays like 40 games a year anyway. I'd rather have Foote than Forsberg.

4) Calgary wholesale changes: Brings in Langkow Hamrlik, McCarty, Amonte; Loses Conroy and McCamond.

Hamrlik IMO is a big edition to their already excellent blueline with Regher Lydman and Leopold. Conroy IMO is a big loss. Langkow SHOULD replace his offensive contributino, but COnroy will be missed on the PK. McCarty IMO was the worst member of the grindlnie and is useless, while Amonte has probably lost everythign he had already and is useless.

5) Colorado signs Patrice Brisebois

Markus Naslund thanks you Pierre Lacroix

NTU Med Admin: Douchebags of Liberty

No, the administration of our school did not reveal the identiy of a top secret intelligence operative to discredit a report against them, although I have no doubt they would do something along those lines should such an incidence occur.

What I am about to describe to you has to get into some top 10 list of University Bureacratic Bullshit somewhere.

They're cutting a week off our summer vacation. (from 9/19 to 9/12)

This isn't the worst part.

They're telling us NOW.

IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING AUGUST.

Here's the thing: My buddy (well, he's not REALLY my buddy, but whatever) called the department office so he could set up the common note schedule for next year (he called the office for the semester schedule of classes)...

Here's what the office had to say:

"We're starting school a week early, didn't you know?"

OF COURSE WE DON'T FUCKING KNOW. You know why?

BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING TOLD US!!!

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US THIS SHIT IN FUCKING JUNE BEFORE WE LEFT SCHOOL YOU DOUCHEBAGS!

Now this doesn't actually affect me THAT much, but there's people OVERSEAS on vacation and summer lab internships until that week. So they're fucked.

Of course, what they might do is not take a week off now and ADD a week of school during WINTER vacation, and that would set me off ballistic, because I'm going home this Februrary, and one less week of drinking and causing trouble with M-Unit will upset me very much.

The "NEW" NHL, Vancouver Canuck Edition

As you all know, the new CBA has put a 39 million dollar salary cap while adding a 24% paycut to all players. My views on the salary cap and the new CBA are very clear. I think the owners are a bunch of douchebags and that the overspending is no one's fault but their own (OH NO WE ARE RUNNING DEFECITS, HURRY, BUILD US A NEW STADIUM! GIVE US A SALARY CAP SO WE CAN'T HURT OURSELVES!!! BUT WE'RE STILL RAISING TICKET PRICES ANYWAY!), but if the players were going to take it up the ass, did they REALLY have to deprive us a year of hockey?

My team the Canucks have made a few moves to fit under the cap. I'll just discuss these moves (in no priority):

1) Re-sighed Markus Naslund to a 6 mil/yr contract.

This IMO was the big "UFA" signing we were all hoping for. Fuck Kariya, Ziggy is a great player, ditto Demtira, but Markus Naslund is what the Canucks need. Bringing him back was a top priority. This is his team, and since he scores 50 goals a year, I like him. Still has nto developed into the PK threat like Ziggy or Sakic, but he doesnt' seem as ass in his own end anymore.

I woudl have creamed my pants if we got both Neidermayer AND Naslund, but one or the other I'm content with.

2) Moved Sopel for a pick to the Islanders

Our first salary cap casualty. IMO a good move for the Islanders because they've lost like everybody on their blueline (which was probably my favourite D corp in the league with Ninnima Aucoin Hammer and KJ) (They lost the middle too due to free agency, and Kenny retired), Sopel will eat minutes and run the 2nd unit PP. Say waht you want about his inability to skate backwards or his terrible hair, Brent Sopel has developed into a legitimate 2nd pairing offensive d-man (with certain limitations). This also proves that even a blind rabbit can find a mice once in a while, because the system that brought you highly touted 1st rounders such as Libor Polasek, Jason Herter, Alex Stojanov, and Josh Holden managed to find and develop a decent defenseman in the middle rounds.

3) Re-signing Brendon Morrison to a 3 mil/yr deal

People at first bitched taht this was an overpayment. And Yeah it's a little expensive. But I feel that this is the right move, sicne B-Mo is a good hockey player, not elite talent, but he does the job and is popular locally. I wish he was a little bigger and had a better faceoff percentage, but he's the best defensive player on his line (not sayign much), he's a good playmaker for Naslund, and he'll hopefully help Bert come back to the NHL (more on that in a moment, because I'll leave the incendiary shit to last).

Brendan Morrison is a good hockey player. And I'm glad to have him around.

4) Sami Salo re-upping at 1.5 mil/yr

Even though he's a RFA, that's under market value for a decent d-man like him. I wish he hit, but he positions himself well, uses his reach well, and is a decent skater. I think he might be overmatched in teh role we're sticking him in this year (#3 defenseman), but I like having him around. If he could only hit the net with his big shot.

5) Letting Marek Gretzky go at 2.5 mil/yr for 3 years to the New York Rangers.

I like the guy, and he's actually got some pretty good hands for a big man, but the truth is he's a pylon that doens't hit. He's proof of 2 things:

a) The +/- stat is useless (just becuase you were there doesn't mean you were making a contribution)
b) Glen Sather is on crack

6) Promoting Ryan Kesler and Kevin Bieska from the farm.

OMG PICKS PANNING OUT. OMG. WE'RE ABLE TO FILL HOLES IN THE LINEUP (3rd Line Center + 6th d-man) WITH YOUNG PLAYERS FROM THE ORGANIZATION. OMG.

We're still missing a 5th d-man right now (and a 4th line center)... but the fact taht we can promote TWO FUCKIGN PLAYERS to the majors is amazing. All appear to be good hardworking responsible players. I'm excited about Kesler as a) he scored 30 goals in the AHL b) He's a good skater c) He'x extremely responsible defensively

Bieska supposedly has a nasty physical edge. Let's hope he continues taht at the NHL level without taking dumb penalties

This still leaves us with Nolan Baumgartner as our 5th d-man, and some people might lose sleep over night about this, but c'mon, we've been Leif Rohlin, Bert Robertsson, Bryan Helmer, and Mark Wotton. How bad could this possibly be.

7) Signing Richard Park to a 700k/yr deal

We needed a 4th line RW. He's Asian, he's fast, and he's responsible defensively. I love him already.

8) Taking Mattias Ohlund to arbitration.

I don't mind this move. Thsi guarentees Mattias Ohlund is in a Canuck uniform the next season. Even though he does become an UFA next season, this will finally fulfill my long dream of signing Mattias Ohlund to a long term contract while ridding the giveaway machine that is Ed Jovanovski. If Jovo walks, he walks. Hopefully we can trade him for something. I'm pretty sure we can't keep both. If NOnis keeps Jovo while letting Ohlund walk i will be PISSED.

9) Dan Cloutier accepting his 1 year QO at 2.4mil/yr

ONE MORE YEAR! ONE MORE YEAR!

There have been rumours of a LONG TERM DEAL BEING NEGOTIATED.

I hope that's with our ECHL affliate.

God help us all

10) Us lowballing Artem Chubarov and him going back to Russia

We still hold his rights, but we now have a 4th line center hole to fill. According to everyone I've spoken to, Linden is ass at center and much better on the wing. So with Chubarov's loss (due to the salary cap), we need to find a 4th line center. Do you know the names I've been hearing?

DARBY HENDRICKSON

BRIAN HOZLINGER

MIKE EASTWOOD

Guys, Mike Eastwood is a faceoff winning CORPSE! THAT'S ALL HE DOES! He's like 129! Don't we have some minimum wage guy in the minors who we can play for 10 minutes a night without embarrassing himself? NATHAN SMITH! We drafted him in the first fucking round! Our SAFE picks don't even turn into a god damn 4th line 10 minute a night player. That's just sad.

Oh well, Artem Chubarov, I will miss you, and probably will miss you more when I see a dying corpse or a useless AHL player in your place.

11) The Sedins re-upping at 1.25 mil/yr

I've stopped referring to them as the sisters because:
a) I remember Henrik throwing hit once last season
b) I remember Daniel pushing back once last season
c) They did score 80 points between the both of them
d) If backchecking makes you a woman, then I want somebody to rush to the Bertuzzi residence with a large cutting object and eunuch his ass right now.

12) Todd Bertuzzi being re-instated by the NHL

Here we go.

One last time.

The Steve Moore Todd Bertuzzi incident is possibly one of the most stupid acts in sports EVER proceded by an incredible clusterfuck of stupid events. If ANY of these events had occured differently, the whole deal would not have happened.

1) Moore doesn't hit Naslund like that. I think he was looking to hit a star player, but that's just me.(With further research, I have found out the hit was actually legal, because even though Naslund DOESN'T touch the puck, Moore does, and he can legally initiate contact. I think the rule's intent and spirit was to enable guys like Cam Neely to CARRY the puck while bulldozing through guys, not just "oh i touched the puck so now i can legally hit somebody" without actually trying to do somethign with the puck ie. carry or pass, but rules are rules)

2) Brad May doesn't run his friggin' mouth. How stupid are you to "put out a bounty" on a player? Just go get him yourself. You're a 4th line scrub. That's your job. (Ironically, he scored 2 goals that infamous night)

3) The League acts smart abuot it, and WARNS both teams to not continue that shit. Fuck I would have pre-emptively warned both teams publically to not do something stupid, but that's just me.

4) Marc Crawford doesn't act like an asshole and sends out his players after Moore

5) Tony Granato (Former 15-game suspensionee) doesn't send Moore out after they're up NINE GOALS

Ultimately, Todd Bertuzzi commited a heinously stupid action, and even though he's not a very smart man, a series of stupid events that weren't his fault led up to it.

As for the punishment, you know what, he missed the rest of the year, he missed the playoffs, the IIHF honoured the NHL suspension, so it's "like" he missed an extra year, there is a legal case, Steve Moore will be compensated financially, the NHL is about second chances, so that's done and over with. I sincerely hope Steve Moore can recover fully to be cut from a NHL team at training camp.

I've heard lots of "Bertuzzi should be in jail!" comments. The only way an on-field/on-ice incident would result in a jailing would be if Bertuzzi is Black. Cuz we all the the White man LOVES to put a Black man in jail, especially if he's caught slugging a White guy on camera.

Next entry will be about how other team's moves will affect the Canucks.

The "New" NHL

Before I start, I'd like to apologize if the following entry seems disorganized. When i get angry, I become disorganized.

So, the NHL is back! That'll get anybody excited right? After a year of lockout where professional hockey has completely lost its foothold in the battle for dominance between the four major sports and all the major TV networks have cancelled their contracts with the league, what could be more exciting?

WHAT? THEY'VE MADE RULE CHANGES TO OPEN UP THE GAME??? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW PEOPLE WERE DISINTERESTED IN THE OLD "CLOSED UP" GAME OF CLOG-UP-THE-NEUTRAL-ZONE-HOCKEY!!! PEOPLE LOVE THE TRAP! I DON'T KNOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT! THIS WILL BE GREAT, AND WHEN THEY MEAN "RULE CHANGES", THE BY NO MEANS ARE DUMBING THE GAME DOWN FOR STUPID AMERICANS! Of course not, how could they do such a thing? I mean, the glowing puck was one of the most glorious technological breakthroughs in the history of sports broadcasting!

Without further ado, here's me being more angry:

The New CBA

The Owners got everything they wanted. So the players deprived us of a whole year of hockey just to take it up the ass. Lovely.

The salary cap, the free agency changes, whatever. Those changes were going to be made anyway. How they managed to accept a league wide 24% PAY CUT ACROSS THE BOARD is beyond me.

And even though the owners got almost everything they wanted, did they learn anything? Do they now know not to overspend on high-priced mid-tier free agents and then bitch about burgeoning losses?

Yeah that and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee.

Mike Rathje 3.5 mil/yr for 5 years
Adrian Aucoin 4 mil/yr for 4 years
Marek Malik 2.5 mil/yr for 3 years

I gotta qualify the next part of my little rant with the fact that the first 2 guys are actually pretty good defenseman. Nothing special, but excellent guys to have around. They're all around the age of 30, and they've all established themselves as solid NHLers.

So what do the owners do?

Give the lot of aging veteran defenseman large contracts that run up until the Obama administration. This is smart, give a #3 veteran defenseman Rathje a 3.5 mil/yr contract, and then pay him that amount when he's 36, by which time most of his speed and strength will have disappeared, not to mention the War on Terror will have liberated Iran, North Korea, and possibly Sweden.

Also, despite the presence of a salary cap, there's been no actual new SOURCES OF REVENUE for the owners. In fact, there is no actual solid TV deal for the league. They're talking about putting NHL hockey on THE OUTDOOR LIFE NETWORK and SPIKE TV. And then they're still money. Just genius.

The Rule Changes

1. "The General Crackdown on Obstruction: The total elimination of clutching and grabbing that will open up the game for fast skilled players."

Bullshit.

They'll crack down for two weeks, then people will bitch about the 200 Powerplays a game, saying the "refs are not letting the players decide the game", and then it will be business as usual. And the NHL will just let it happen, because otherwise the Americans will see their beloved Hatcher Trolls and other no-skilled 6'4 pieces of shit go unemployed. Not to mention our friend Keith "Captain Stickwork" Tkachuk might actually have to skate while backchecking and not be dragged along by some 5'11 European dude.

If you think the NHL will truely open up and the neutral zone clutch-and-grab will go, I have a bridge to sell you.

2. "The Shootout: The Most Exciting Play in Hockey"

No.

Just No.

Obviously teh spirit of this rule is to prevent teams from playing for the tie, but what the fuck is this, soccer? Teams now will just trap the shit out of the 5 minutes of OT, and then bring out their one-dimensional penalty shot players to try to win the game off that.

Of course, the Canucks have Cloutier, what could we possibly worry about?

3. "The Removal of the Red line: Creating more breakaways!"

In principle this sounds great, and I actually like this rule change, but I doubt we'll actually see more breakaways, because even though Jagr or Yashin gets to camp out at the opposing blueline for a breakaway pass that's never coming, the puck will never actually reach them because there will still be 5 New Jersey Devil Uniforms standing in the neutral zone cutting the pass off and dumping it back in.

4. "Restricting Goalie Puck-Handling: Creating Extra Forecheck opportunities!"

This is just really stupid. I actually really enjoy watching the goalie come out to handle the puck, because the good ones create rushes for their own team, and the bad ones create glorious opportunities for the other team. I personally think they should just let the goalies do whatever the hell they want. My proposal is to let the goalie skate out to whereever he likes, do whatever he wants to do with the puck, anywhere. (Short of shooting it out of the arena of course) And him fair game outside of his crease. He can bodycheck guys, he can be hit. But that's just me.

Also, defenseman will now have the shit forechecked out of them, which is in itself not a bad thing, but you know Tie Domi will take the opportunity to ram some guy's head first into the glass when his back is turned towards him. But hey, what the fuck do I know, I'm just an Asian guy typing in front of his computer, not a bloody oracle.

5. "Touch Icing: The Excitement of teh Chase for the Puck"

There is never a fucking chase for the puck. 95% of the time the defenseman floats back to his own zone to touch the puck because everybody is fucking tired, and that takes like 5 seconds the damn clock. Nobody wants to see the defenseman float back to his own zone to touch the puck.

Of course, the 5% of the time there is a chase, somebody slides head first into the boards and gets injured.

Did I mention that the team that ices the puck won't be allowed to make a line change? The spirit of the rule is to "award the team with pressure", but you know some asshole is going to get injured because he'll have to stay out on the ice for like 2 minutes straight, catch an edge, be too tired to balance himself, and break his ankle.

6. "Decreasing the Space behind the net"

I got nothin' for this one. The only forseeable consequence for decreasing the size of Gretzky's office would be less room for the Sedins to endless cycle the puck with a purpose.

7. "Extra Penalties are Fighting: Cleaning up the game of hockey."

I may not agree with Don Cherry a lot of the time, but the instigator penalty is one of the sources that is causing all the Steve Moore/Peter Worrell/Bryan Marchment/Matthew Barnaby/Jarkko Ruutu/Tie Domi bullshit in the NHL. There are so many things wrnog with the instigator penalty and placing extra penalties on fighting (too lazy to specify right now) its not funny:

a) LET THE PLAYERS POLICE THEMSELVES. The Todd Bertuzzi thing would have never happened had Steve Moore had his ass kicked the night he hit Naslund. You didn't see any 4th line no talent hack run Gretzky. I don't recall seeing some AHL douchebag run Yzerman back in the day. You know why? Because Semenko would have beaten the shit out of these cheapshot artists. Now Steve Moores and Bryan Marchments run wild, shoving people head first into the boards and lining up knee-on-knee hits like its the Boxing Day sale at Future Shop.

The instigator penalty and the addtional penalties on fighting simply handcuffs the enforcers (like the real ones ie. Laraque, not the fake cheapshot artists ones ie. Domi) from doing their job of protecting the star players. God knows Colin Campbell won't protect the players. Everybody knows Bertuzzi what Bertuzzi got. And he deserved it. What everybody DOESN'T know is that Marchment rams Ritchie's head into the boards first the next night, breaks his collarbone, ends his season, and got like 3 games. (I just did a little searching: I don't think he was suspended)

2) The only reason Americans watch hockey is because they like to see people beat the shit out of each other. They don't watch it for the skill that's been diminshed by the clutch and grab. They don't watch it for the 5 guys lining up in the neutral zone. They watch it because White Canadians will beat teh shit out of each other.