Whiter than Rice

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Todd Bertuzzi is with the Terrorists

It's amazing how every year we manage to suck. When we don't have talent (Mike Keenan days), we just suck. When we do have talent, I just can't believe how little we do with it. At least during the dark days. we'd have a random colletion of enforcers that would beat the shit out of people. Now he only toughness we ever see is Matt Cooke getting beat up every night and Jarkko Ruutu taking cheapshots at other players. Cheapshots are fun for the whole family, but it's not enough.

Why can't get we get some real hockey players? Like Shane Doan, Ryan Smyth, or Brad Richards? You know, players that move their feet, go to a corner, occasionally contact an opposing player, and skate near the goalie a couple of times a game? You know, a player with male genitalia and a functioning cerebrum?

Instead we've got this fat lazy stupid Italian douchebag sack of shit that thinks he's a finesse playmaker and drags the rest of the team down with him. The only reason he ever goes near the net is to take stupid penalty, and when he ventures to a corner it's probably to order a fucking hotdog from the stands. Everytime he does a drop pass, I die a little inside, and my sweet childhood innocence with it.

I'm convinced the WCE needs to be broken up for good and put with foot soldiers. That is if we can't move his fat lazy stupid Italian ass for somebody good cheap and young. Bob Clarke might stupid enough to trade us Pitkanen, you never know. Hey, Bert IS over 6'2!

1) Anson Carter is walking after this season to cash out. We can't afford to keep him, and NO MORE STUPID EXPENSIVE LONG-TERM CONTRACTS. So we need AGAIN to find a winger for the Sedins. I say stick Markus Naslund there. The Sedins woudl do their thing in the corners (seriously, when was the last time anybody on the WCE dug for a puck), and get Nazzy the puck. At least Nazzy is smart enough to shoot.

If we had old Bertuzzi, I'd stick him with the Sedins. Old Bert with New Twins would fucking pwn everybody. Bertuzzi would tie up 2 guys in front of the net, and the Twins would tag team some bitch-ass n00b d-man in the corners.

Edit: there is a lot of talk about Anson Carter staying, due to his media comments and the fact that he took less money to sign in Vancouver. Just a few issues:
a) up until this point in Anson Carter's career, he's been regarded as a skilled lazy perimeter player whose production is inconsistant at best.
b) The reason he chose us over the Leafs is obvious. If you were on a one-year contract and you wanted big money for your next contract, who would you rather play with, Daniel and Henrik, or Tie Domi and Jonus Hoglund?

Anson Carter is not a stupid man. He knows the score, and where the blingage is at.

2) Bertuzzi with Kesler and Burrows. Bertuzzi displays occasional hints of effort with Kesler, and Kesler and Burrows go to corners and near the net which creates havoc for Bert to drop pass to somebody on the other team.

Alex Burrows is a fringe NHL player. But he's cheap and he crashes, so he deserves a job.

Edit: the premise for this is that Todd Bertuzzi somehow is not moved. We need to get young good cheap asset(s) back from a Bertuzzi trade. If we get krap offer like "aging veteran bum and 2nd round pick" for Bertuzzi there is no bloody point.

3) Morrison with Cooke and Ruutu. Remember the good old days where Morrison would play on a speedy checking line and score 50 points? Those were the days. He's too expensive for this role, so he'll probably be moved. But if he isn't... hello old friend Cooke.

4) I'm not sure about the 4th line. I say bring back Chubarov from Russia and build the 4th line around him Give him a little exra money, promise him some extra ES time, whatever. He's our best PK guy, and him out on ES time doesn't hurt team ever.

Random note:

Keep Keith Carney. But for no more than two years. He actually doesn't suck

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

WBC: Massive Success in Every Way Possible

Let me put it to you this way:

Asian Countries Participating: 4
Crazy Ultranationalistic Asian Countries Participating: 3
Douchebaggey American Umpire: 1
Number of Years Ichiro! aged: 60*
Final Batting Line of GREATEST AMERICAN HERO: .150/.393/.600/.993
BHK Self-destruct innings: 1
Alex Rodriguez blamed for loss not his fault: Positive
Adam Stern hitting for the cycle: 1
Teams in Final that the United States has beefed with in the last 100 years: 2
Shooting Wars: 0

Fantastic Tourney

Fun was had by all. Except for BHK. Screw him.

Few random thoughts:

1. Osagawara - Despite rugged good looks and great 1B defense, didn't do as much at the plate.

2. Nishioka - Brings out the inner giggling school girl in yours truly. Does EVERYTHING well: hits for contact, has decent power when he gets a hold of one (Hello Mr. KKKKOOOOOOOOOOO), can outrun a bloody gazelle, huge range at 2B... and that push bunt today? TEXTBOOK

3. Kawasaki - stunk today. Makes 2 errors today... tries to bunt for a basehit twice... both times snuffed out by the D. Of course, when he has to lay down a SAC bunt, he fails. Nishioka-san bails him out, and then bails himself out with that great bit of baserunning coming home.

4. Ichiro! - good contact throughout the tournament... had a lot of hard line drives by infielders. Will learn not to talk as much shit.

5. Uehara - I think we can put him in that "Roger Clemens/Curt Schilling" "family" of pitchers now. Great control, WILL not give up the walk, can strike out guys, good splitter... not as much life in that fastball, and not as douchey, but he can pitch.

6. Fukudome - from .100 tourney hitter to instant National Hero. Oh-san is a genius

7. Oh-san doesn't know what he's doing

What does Bobby Valentine have to do, send a bloody memo with his players?
a) Fujita: 45 appearences, 38 IP... what does Oh-san do? Leaves him to face a second righty... get hammered.

b) Watanabe: Don't use against too many lefties... leaves him in against a bunch of lefties.

What was Oh-San doing pulling Matsuzaka in the 5th anyway? He was cruising! Everybody knows you can leave Matsuzaka in there for like 15 innings!


Japan’s leading hitter Ichiro Suzuki had fired up South Korea with his pre-tournament comment that he wanted to show the rivals they would never beat Japan “for at least 30 years.”

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Well, that guy isn't going home.


Whatever sympathy I had for Byun-Hyun Kim? Gone.

He comes on with no outs and Matsunaka on 2nd after hitting a double off some 21 yaer old lefty.

He K's Tamura because Oh wants him to lay down a bunt and fails.

Then Oh-san brings in Fukudome, who's hitting about .100 this tournament... and Kim throws this 83 mph hanging slider RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE and Fukudome PWNS him to RF and he BAT FLIPS.

Osagawara and his rugged good looks comes up to bat next... Kim plunks him with the FIRST PITCH that was about 10 feet off teh plate, the ump comes out and warns both teams.

Then Kim throws a WP, Osagarawa advances.

Then Satozaki doubles.

So your typical BHK meltdown inning, except with a classless plunking (instead of his normal control problems), and the loss of National Pride.

That plunking?




Sunday, March 12, 2006

Japan Was Screwed Today

What a screwjob.

Nishioka is still sexy though.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Greatest American Heroes in History

In No Particular Order:

David Ortiz
Jack Bauer
Chuck Norris
Agent Pierce
Agent Baker
Lt. Gaeta
Stephen Colbert
Dennis Haysbert
Madeleine Albright

What? can't have a list of greatest American Heroes without a Jew. Or a Wookie.

Monday, March 06, 2006

You Know What I Fucking Hate?


Elevators have limited room.

I'm running late.

I'm going to the 5th floor.


From now on, I decree that elevator usage must be limited to two floors or more except for the following:

1) Cargo being carried in like a cart or something
2) Old people
3) Wheelchair people
4) Crutches people
5) If you have NYHA Class II or more Heart Failure