Whiter than Rice

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Off to Banana Camp Tomorrow

I will be paid a total of like 300 dollar Canadian for the two week ordeal. The way I figure it, the gains will be a lot more than 300 dollars, because they feed me and they house me, which means that I'm saving a shitload of money on my summer a/c electricity bill, which can run up to like 400 dollars Canadian a month.

Also, of note, there are no Rodriguezes or Vazquezes, but unfortuantely, violent crimes at the camp probably will not decrease due to the presence of a 15 year old 6'6 White Chick. We can probably expect the usual arrests and convictions that are encountered with THAT demographic. Somewhere Tess Grainger is sharpening her knife and polishing her brass knuckles.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Kitsilano Class of 2004

I was doing a little checking on the Kitsilano 2004 (Since my cousin will be renting my house... I want to know who'll be coming over and stuff.)

HOLY KRAP it is siblings galore.

Is there anybody who ISN'T a sibling of somebody in OUR class?

Here's the list I've managed to compile so far:

Tasha McEwen
Lauren Adirim
Vaughn Richards
Henry McQueen
Maria Fumano
Buster Kruse (But again, there's like a Kruse in EVERY friggin' class)
Christina Batstone
Jordan Dalziel (Hopefully douchebaggery isn't horizontally transmitted)
Sarah Parkes
Andrea Phillips
Paul Weichel?
Nadine McGinity?
Leah's Brother?

If I missed anybody, please let me know so I can update "the list".

I'm just reading some awards stuff... they gave the JEWISH WAR MEMORIAL AWARD to some kid with the last name ZHANG! C'mon, out of that list of siblings (which is like 10 people), there are already THREE JEWS ON THE FUCKING LIST! Edit: I just realized that a list of Jewish people MAY have some negative historical connotations. I apologize if this offends anybody. YOU'D THINK YOU COULD FIND SOME JEWISH KID TO GIVE THAT AWARD TO.

I don't remember who got that award in my grade, but I'm sure he or she wasn't Jewish either.

I'm sure the Asian girl really deserved an award, but they can't they just create some "Asian Person Who Got Screwed By White People And Now We Have to Make It Up Somehow" Scholarship or something?

Edit: Matija has informed me that his sister won this award this year. He also would like everyone to know that his family is not Jewish.

(Also, I see they gave Vaughn some award with the name of some Hindu guy...)

You'd think the school would be smart enough to ETHNICALLY ALIGN the awards.

P.S. I don't remember whatever the fuck award I got, probably named after some White Dude, but I'm pretty sure I blew through that 1K pretty quickly buying shit.

The Moral of the Post: It doesn't matter what award you win, whether Jewish, Asian, or Caucasian, as long as they hand you a big stack of Queen Elizabeths, it's all good.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I'm Not Saying I'd Do Something Like This, but I Understand.

Mandarin Article

It's ok if you're an ignorant White man that doesn't speak another language. (Note: FRENCH IS NOT A REAL LANGUAGE.) The gist of the story is that some medical student here due to academic stress proceded to stab his fellow students and then locked himself in and then CUT HIS OWN BALLS OFF.

This is my favourite part of the article:

Doctors say even though the wound was closed, this scrotum has suffered massive trauma and his future fertility might be affected.

I wonder why his fertility might be affected. How about his TESTICLES WERE REMOVED FROM HIS BODY.

On a related note, I just had my microbiology lab final. So Don't be Shocked if I come home next summer walking funny.

Man, this country is just fucked. I mean, the only thing that was REMOTELY close to something like this back home was Andrea's basement dungeon rig. Ane even though scrotal removal was also one of the popular options, she was a professional who could make sure the temporary pain distraction did not affect your future fertiility functions. Oh how I am so homesick.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

MLB Books

MLB Books

For as long as baseball has been played there have been brilliant and controversial literary pieces regarding baseball. From the flowing literary prose of Dan “Curly haired boyfriend” Shaunessy to the Hard hitting investigative journalism of Bill Plaschke, baseball literature has been part of American Culture for as long as the game itself. But what about the players and managers? What about what they have to say? MLB Baseball is proud to present its new series of baseball books by the players and managers!

Managers, Coaches, and Front Office:
“10 Minutes” by Rick Petersen
“How I Survived Two Death Star Runs” by Eric Wedge
“I’m Rich So Suck it” by George Steinbrenner
“Golden Boy” – Theo Epstein
“Closer by Committee” by Terry Francona
“Holds Barred” by Dale Sveum
“Emerging Diseases – Sveumitis” by the New England Journal of Medicine
“How Kenny Williams is an Idiot” by the entire Sabremetric Community
“How Not to Cheat On Your Wife” by Tony Pena
“The Trouble with Young People” by Brian Sabean
“Googleboy – The Biography of Paul Depodesta” by Michael Lewis
“We’re Not Trading Ben Sheets” by Doug Melvin
“We’re not trading Oliver Perez” by Dave Littlefield
“Pitch Counts and Starter Usage” by Dusty Baker
“How the LOOGY changed baseball” by Tony La Russa
“Stadium Acquisition” by Jeff Torberg
“Middle Relief” by Ed Wade
“How He Made Hitchhikers Rich” – The Unauthorized Leo Mazzone biography with contributions from Mike Remlinger, Russ Ortiz, Mark Wohlers, Kerry Lightenberg, Kevin Millwood, Steve Karsay, Denny Neagle, and Jaret Wright
“Pitch less, throw more, bob head – Leo’s guide to pitching” by Leo Mazzone
“How Leo Got My Groove Back” by Mike Hampton
“LAA LAA land” by Art Moreno
“Moneyball” by Billy Beane
“Mikeyball” by Mike Scoscia
“My Predecessor Traded Sammy Sosa and somehow became President” by Tom Hicks
“Making GM’s your Bitches” – Scott Boras

The Larry Bowa Reality Baseball Series:
FEATURE FILM: “Three Nights in The Bathroom: Bowa, Bushmills, and Blown Leads.”
“How Scott Rolen is a Little Girl” by Larry Bowa
“How Eric Milton Gave me Whiplash” by Larry Bowa
“Bleep Bleep” by Larry Bowa
“How to get thrown out of a baseball game” by Larry Bowa and Lou Pinella

The Media
“Randomly Generated Diamond Notes” by Peter Gammons
“Productive Out Machines” by Buster Olney
“How To Properly Show Deference to Derek Jeter” by Tim McCarver
“My Only Talent is being Jack Buck’s son” by Joe Buck
“How Winning The World Series Endangered My Livelihood” by Dan Shaunessy
“Koolaid” by Michael Kay and Jon Heyman
“Smallball” by Joe Morgan

American League

“Fistpump” by Derek Jeter
“I’m Sorry but I’m Not Sure Why” by Jason Giambi
“How My Wife Slept with R Kelly” by Gary Sheffield
“Fan-Player Interaction” by Gary Sheffield
“Karate in Baseball” by Alex Rodriguez and Chan Ho Park
“I’m speak no English but I’m sure I’m stuck with a bunch of assclowns” by Hideki Matsui
“Over My Head or Play it On a Hop” by Bernie Williams
“How Mel Stottlemyre Ruined Me” by Kevin “3 Inning” Brown, Javier Vazquez, Paul Quantrill, and Jeff Weaver. Japanese Translation by Hideki Irabu.

Red Sox:
“How to Get Yourself in the News” by Curt Schilling
“How to Make Sure Your Heroics are Recognized” by Curt Schilling
“How to act like a douchebag” by Kevin Millar, David Wells, and Curt Schilling
Feature Film: “Overworked – The Alan Embree and Mike Timlin story”
“Low Leverage” by Keith Foulke
“I’m Actually Jewish” by Kevin Youkilis
“Wiffleball Plate Discipline” by Mark Bellhorn
“Baseball Parenting” by Trot Nixon
“Baseball Facial Hair” by Kevin Millar, Johnny Damon, Mark Bellhorn, Jason Varitek, and Matt Clement
“Keep Your eyes off my hot new wife” by Johnny Damon
“Cornrows” by Brandon Bronson Arroyo
“What Do You Mean I had to Take My Mask Off?” by Jason Varitek
“We Jus’ Gotta Keep goin’” by Manny Ramirez
“The Last of my Kind” by Tim Wakefield

“Gold Glove Defense” by Rafael Palmeiro
“How Viagra Changed my life” by Rafael Palmeiro
“You Sick Minded Person” by BJ Ryan
“I aint going to Mexico” by Miguel Tejada
“See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Speak No English – Sammy Sosa on Steroids” by Sammy Sosa and lawyer.

Blue Jays
“Yes We have Baseball in Canada” by Corey Koskie
“No I don’t live in an igloo” by Corey Koskie
“F!@# Plate Discipline” by Shea Hillenbrand
“You’ve been Koched” by former Blue Jays Starting Rotation

Devil Rays
“Please Get Me Out of this Hellhole” by Aubrey Huff and Carl Crawford
“Washed-up-San” by Hideo Nomo
“I was the first EVER” by Alex Sanchez

“Don’t Eat Me” by Nick Punto
“Sit Down, BIATCH” by Johan Santana
“ACTUAL REAL PLAYER!” by Juan Rincon
“What Do You mean I was a Free Agent?” by Brad Radke
“Soul Patrol” by Torii Hunter, Jacque Jones, and Shannon Stewart
“The Comprehensive Generic First Person Shooter Strategy Guide” by Lew Ford

White Sox
“Life on the DL” by Frank Thomas
“Where did my baserunners go?” by Ozzie Guillen
“I ripped off Billy Beane!” by Jermaine Dye
“I’m here AGAIN?” by Carl Everett

“You Don’t Know Anybody Else” by Zack Grienke

“The Best Indians Pitcher EVER: The Rick Vaughn Story” by Bob Uecker
“How I Ruined Everybody’s Fantasy Baseball” by Victor Martinez with foreword by Eric Chavez
“Greatest Baseball Names” by Coco Crisp
“Gone in One at Bat” by Juan Gonzalez

“The Last 20 Game Loser” by Mike Maroth
“The Chair that made me famous” by Jeremy Bonderman

Feature Film: “Pickin’ Machine: the Life and Time of Scott Hatteberg”
“The Next Quote Machine” by Nick Swisher
“Groundhog Day” by Octavio Dotel
“Underhanded” by Chad Bradford
“Jean Seller” by Jeremy Brown
“Situational Awareness” by Eric Byrnes
“How Alyssa Milano Struck Me Out” by Barry Zito

“Fluke” by Adrian Beltre
“Yellow Man Can Jump” by Ichiro Suzuki”
“Every Eighth day Eddie” by Eddie Guardato

“9 Million Dollar Bonus Baby” by Mark Texiera
“How Old Am I?” by Alfonso Soriano

“Intangibles” by Darin Erstad
“20 Million Dollar Rotting Corpse” by Steve Finley
“Leg Kick” by Francisco Rodriguez

National League
“Essential Guide to 1B Defense” by Mike Piazza
“I Managed to Hold on to the Ball!” by Doug Mientkiewicz
“Spelling Bee” by Doug Mietkiewicz
“Map to the Strike Zone” by Victor Zambrano. Japanese Translation by Kaz Ishii
“I Ran Before I Walked” by Jose Reyes
“Respect” by Pedro Martinez
”Who IS Karim Garcia? I really don’t know.” by Pedro Martinez
“Family Tree” by Pedro Martinez
“Chicks Dig the Longball” by Tom Glavine

“Political Correctness” – John Rocker
“We be Clubbin’ ” by Andruw Jones
“The Essential Guide to Hooter’s Waitresses” by Chipper “Larry Wayne” Jones
“Back In My Day” by Julio Franco

“Underachievers” by Phillies 2004 Roster

“Those Pesky Homos” by Todd Jones

Film: “Playstation Lineup – Analysis of the Cardinals Offense”
“Pine Tar” by Julian Tavarez
“Whining” by Scott Rolen
“Scrappy White Guy” by David Eckstein, Craig Counsell, and Scott Podsednik

“DL Aces” by Mark Prior and Kerry Wood
”I’m the GOOD one” by Carlos Zambrano
“Being Mia Hamm’s Wife” by Nomar Garciaparra
“101 Ways to Torture Steve Bartman” by Cub Fans
“Replacement Level” by Neifi Perez and Jose Macias
“Glasses” by Greg Maddux

“Headhunting” by Roger Clemens
“Retirement Comebacks” by Roger Clemens
“Pass” by Jeff Bagwell

”How to make Fireworks” by Eric Milton
“How I gave Larry Bowa whiplash” by Eric Milton
“The Human Fan” by Adam Dunn and Mark Bellhorn
“Going Back to Vietnam” by Danny Graves

“Platoon” by Hee Seop Choi
“Small Sample Size” by Hee Seop Choi
“The Collapse Inning” the Derek Lowe
“Anger Management” by Milton Bradley
“The Pronounciation is FRENCH!” by Eric Gagne
“That Time Didn’t Count” by Eric Gagne
“The Career Threatening Broken Finger Nail” by J. D. Drew

“Automatic Out” by Royce Clayton

“The Benefits of Flaxeed Oil” by Barry Bonds
“Do It Yourself IV’s” by Barry Bonds with foreword by Jose Canseco
“Pitching BP Made Easy” by Kirk Reuter

“No It Aint Coors” by Todd Helton
“I’ve Fallen, and I can’t get back up!” by Byun-Hyun Kim